ࡱ> q ʳbjbjt+t+  AA]$tH\Cx " CCCCCCC$?E3G~C C.> .>.>.> b&  C C.>x.>B:VC,C ^Zz41 C QUOTES TEACHERS Ackerman: You are all racist. I like investing my money in $100,000 increments. Whoa, whoa, Daddy-O. The big I rules, doncha know. I think the writer of this bill was smoking the wacky weed. I guess its time for E-CO-NOMICS! Thats a very complex question. Its money that matters. The bomb. Forte: Take and ______, if you will. The choke point, if you will. The Philippines were the US crown jewel, if you will. The Island of Midway was the US outpost or guard post, if you will. Poetic justice, if you will. South East Asiathe colonial boot, if you will. The women who opposed the Vietnam War burned their bras in massive fires; this was a form of liberation, if you will. Switzerland was a dupe, if you will. When Hirohito spoke in 1945, the Japanese people were struck dumb, if you will. At the Nazi resorts, the soldiers and German women co-mingled, if you will. Pearl Harbor was a strategic boo-boo, if you will. Woodrow Wilson: the angel of peace, if you will. It was too little, too late, if you will. Naysayers, if you will. Moore: I called my Dutch son-in-law in Holland becausethats where Dutch people live. Ronald Reagan called the Soviet Union the Evil Empire; its like it was frickin Star Wars. Schwandt: I was shocked, stunned, and taken aback. Oh, you must mean the DAY-LEE PLANNIR. Its like a pathetic display of ones life spread out for all to see. This is terrible. This [the wallpaper] has to come down. People came in and were looking at it like it was a holocaust exhibit. If I were youand Im glad Im not Dont put down your Highway 10 alias. The three Cs of video etiquette: Concern, consciousness, and quiet. FIELD MARSHALL!! Assume the position. Its not personal; its just business. Theyll frisk you, and theyll like it. Boozers are Looooosers Circle up. Return to flight formation. Glib generalizations Focused and worthwhile explorations A washable topic Satanically cretinous Its time for vocabulary check. The real story involved my being informed quite early on that I was mysteriously one of the most poorly prepared graduate students ever to slip by the admissions committee. Weaver: Your class has potential. Mary I and her psychosomatic pregnancy Youre one smart cookie So if youre ever down by the weight room be sure to bring your camera so you can take a picture of the flasherof his face, I mean. Youre dense. (to John) Others: Please dont sit on the floor. It looks unprofessional.Mrs. St. Peter Shes finally cracked!Mr. Helm about Sam in goth Get the L out.Mr. Thompson MOVIES AND TELEVISION Blues Brothers: Its 106 miles to Chicago, weve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, its dark and were wearing sunglasses. Hit it! I guess youre up the creek. Fairchild-Yutzman Vocational Matrix Video: It is essential in the business world to have sparkling white teeth. It is important to choose a spouse who will be acceptable to your superiors. Five pencils. The person who invites always pays for the meal. Lawrence of Arabia: Thy mother mated with a scorpion. It is not written. MST: It was the Third of September, a night Ill always remember. Manos: Hands of Fate What is it about the gates of hell that make people want to walk into them. Mustgettocrappyspecialeffect. If thats God, Im quitting. Id knock, but I know Im not home. Sometimes a bazooka is just a bazooka. With a name like Smuckers you know its good. Yes, play is when I break you in half. Murder by Death: Arguing with cow head on wall like train without wheels: very soon get nowhere. This conversation like T.V. on honeymoon: not necessary. Simpsons: Your point beingHomer Yeah, but what are ya gonna do? Homer Scooby Doo can doo-doo but Jimmy Carter is smarter.Homer See you in hell, candy boys.Homer Others: Im an American, damn it!Midway Its not only rubbish, but its neo-rubbish and crypto-rubbish.Reginald Perrin Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen.Sean Connery The king is dead! Long live the king!Napoleon Great googilly moogilly.Snickers commercial I can be a bad boy. Look, Im running with scissors.Frasier Imagine you are an idiot. Now, imagine you are a politician. But I repeat myself.Mark Twain US AND OTHERS Amit: Big Dogs gotta eat. (about Joe) You cant stop _______. You can only hope to contain him/her. Beth: Do Bavarians have nuts? (at Valley Fair) I opened the book, and it was, like, tires or something. (about Iceland guidebook) Hills Like Whales. Spreadsheets are my friends. Im being the Super Hostess. Brendan: Whos Ralph Lauren? (while wearing polo shirt) My body is not for sale. Callie: How do you spell Schickelgruber? It keeps getting shorter! Clyde: Or you could call this number, and they wont give you directions. Shoosh up. You guys are down in the career center jacking off Like Jeff, he wants to be ten forever. (in Lit. discussion) Then theres this guy, hes this blob here. Jeff: King Henry was on top of things. (about Henry VIIIs marriage to Anne Boleyn) Beth is the Secret Weaponso secret that they havent used her yet. Touch em all, Kirby Puckett! (whenever a Frisbee flew into the hockey rink) Thats what youd like me to think. Calcul-you, calcul-me, calcul-us. Disregarding what Clyde bid Its the Nannerman. If you walk up to someone and he/she says, Ick, get away from me! its time to move on. (Interview in The Eye) Ach, du Cleeder. Its Amit come lately. Deal schlameal. What the what the no! Pail, tail, fingelnail. Enough of your bobbygosh! (to Meagan) One peek is worth a thousand finesses. Lets force the queen, dum de dum de dum Thats definitely what we would call a ya whoops. Awesome A came to say, deedle deidel doodle day. Montana: where the speed limit signs say, See you in hell. Theres Suntag, Montag, Tuestag, Wednestag, Thurstag, Fritag, and Saturtag. Hey, Beth. If the first sentence of that book reads, It was 11:55 a.m. I dont think itll be very interesting. (about The Last Camel Died at Noon) The sky today is like Clydenot very bright. Then this car barely missed hitting the front of my car on the passenger side. I mean, Clyde could have been killed. and Joe, dont forget the journal entry about NikosKazantzakis! Jen: Attendez-vous! Arretez-vous! Well, screw you then. (on the streets of Rothenburg) Mourir comme un chien [Dead as a dog] Why dont you just have sex with him? (screamed down the halls of Irondale) Jess: I just gotta get laid before I die. Makes sense. Sounds good. Santa wants to come home with you. What the f*** did he do to my car?! Lets keep our thumbs up. Jeff could use some experience with kids under his belt. Oohhh that was a bad day. (explaining an embarrassing event) Awesome! Joe: Watch out. Gee Clyde, I could bike to your house every day this summerand youd really like that! Although this school has a lot of boozers, there are also a lot of awesome people here. I have a slight sense of humor. Im quiet, but not very quiet. Maybe a little crazy once in a while, but who isnt? (interview for The Eye) John: Stop being dumbNo, I said stop it. Yeah, come herePBSHHH. Yeah, I believe you. No, Im serious. Back off Unfreakinbelievable! Yeah, Ill chop you in half. Thats TOO BAD! Clyde, you idiot. No, it just looks like it. Hey, thats great, but whats A Separate Pace? We should give you a sign that says, Caution! Genius at work. Youre a certifiable genius. Frick, frack, frick, frack. as we say in the business. Whatever helps you sleep. Joe! Joe! Over here, Joe! Dont hurt yourself. Im bringing the ruckus. Hack, cough, choke, die! Thats the freshman battle cry. I dont need any of your guff. You could be an honorary member of the Cheese Eaters Club of America. Dont screw upOh. Awesome A coming our way. Thats bad news bears. Karl: Hey, Jeff, did you see your shadow today? Meagan: We dont need all this hullabaloo. Oh, bosh! Megan: Get off the f***ing bus! (in dead silence) Ya, you betcha, doncha know Michele: How are the monkeys f***ing today. Hi, Mr. Forte! I want to be the prom queen! (see movie section) If you dont got kazoos, you aint got s***. These French people are so rude! We could just slip a little poison in her b**** pill. (about the Frau situation) Its all fun and games until someone loses a spleen. Everyone thinks Im a stupid idiot, but its all just a big fakade. I dont need your pity _____. The cow is on ice. [things are not so good.] _______ threw the spoon. [Just died] The hand of God came down and smote them all. I sense owls in the moss. [I think there's something bad in the future.] You have Santa Clauses in your attic! [you're crazy.] (to Jess) Eric hates me. I have to lift my shirt for himbut I promise I'll be tactful about it. Im rolling out the welcome mat. Patrick: Schools like hellonly colder. Ukulele: the hick mandolin. Oh, no, something has gone terribly wrong. It tastes more like tea than piss. Im evil. Do you think I care? Get out the pizza. Were going over the bridge! Hes my father! (about Grossman) Sorry were late. We stopped to have some sex and pizza. Is that a battery in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me. Its funny as paste. "I'm a burritodo you think I care?" We could call Mr. Ackerman and ask him for his phone number. Sam: If you see my dumb brother, tell him Im looking for him. I dont condone functioning students. (to Jessthe worst speller in the known wurld) Youre going to make me squirt cappuccino out my nose. Did you just lick that? Youre right! There are no balls. Im not going to comment. Tina: That funny looking kid. Vivre jusqua je meurs! [Live until I die!] (Interview in The Eye) Tom: Yes! (with slot-machine, lever-pull motion) Yeah, ya dont. Groups and Pairs: Worthless.Jeff and John _______ of death/doom! Jeff and John Im going blind. Im seeing the back of my retinas. Oh, wait, its just Clydes shoes.Jeff and John (also said about Amits shoes) Clyde gets knocked down, but he gets up again. Aint never gonna keep him down.Jeff and John (song) Allmyfriendsknow the Clode Clyder. The ClodeClydergets a little higher.John and Jeff Thats pretty harsh.Many people Ich will diene Augen mit einem Gablffel auspoken. [I want to poke your eyes out with a spork]Michele, Jess, and the Europe crowd Ooltimoot!The battle cry when kicking off in Ultimate Je suis tres, tres, tres fatiquee. Tu es tres, tres, tres paresseuse.Tina, Megan, and Jen sung to the tune of Meet Me in St. Louis Others: Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrowWhoohoo, Friday.written by a Brit. Lit. student on a Tuesday Remember to pillage before you burnBeths screen saver Pretend youre on a train and one of your stops is Credibilityville.U of M law student The hopes and the dreams that they had dreamed.the same law student Im going to fine you a dollar. This case should never have come to court.Judge at Johns bicycle hearing Then we check this to make sure it doesnt fall off. Craig (said before airplane flight) Beware of the evil, greasy potato chip.Mr. Ackermans card (in English, German, French, Spanish, and Russian) I DARE YOU!Danforth tape They were the biggest damn jackrabbits I had ever seen.Callies dad Can you be helped?Johns mother Cool beans!Jackie Maas Hoosiers are Loosers.Nicole Boyles CONVERSATIONS Sam: Were the nerd group. Mrs. Weaver: Oh, the future leaders of America. Michele: Im having a crisis. Beth: Im playing cards. John: Why dont you take a trip down the cry me a river? Michele: Ill get the canoe. Samantha: Dont throw it. Patrick: Throw it. Come on, Beth. Ill catch it. Beth: Looking flustered. I dont know. Patrick(to Sam): Stop it, Sam. Youll make her cry. Look youre making Jess cry too. (As pop comes out Jess nose.) Patrick: Do you sleep on your stomach? Girl: NO Patrick: Can I? Sam: Can you drink milk and walk? Beth: spilling milk S***! Ungame: What do you dream about? Jeff: Brendan Clyde: Okay, Jeff, your turn. John: His name is Joof. Jeff: Yeah, goot it root, Clood. Karl: Clay! John: What? Karl: Im talking to Clay! Michele: in Texan-British accent Are you rowing down there? Jess: Why? Are you going to drop that brick on my head? Michele: No, my friend is. Jess: Im more of a sidekick really. Patrick: I think youre on crack, Beth. Beth: Yeah. Patrick: Grope. Michele: Thank you. Michele: Towel? Patrick: Yes, please. Mr. Schwandt: This is terrible/awful/ridiculous. Jeff: But not as terrible/awful/ridiculous asthe pants! Tony: Whos your sugar daddy? Pat: You, Tony. Whos yours? Tony: You, Pat. Whos your favorite diabetic? Both: Niels! Beth: These seats are hard. Jess: But youve got to admit, its much better than Highviews auditorium. Beth: I dont remember Highviews auditorium. Jess: Thats cause we didnt have one! Jess (Playing Taboo): Kermit plays this! Everyone: Banjo! Jess: Wellmaybe not Jess: Did you eat snow? Beth: No, I was a good kid! Beth: Bridgets poodle and cocker spaniel. Jeff: Howd that happen? Michele: Guess What? Jess: What? Michele: Chicken butt! Sam: Jeff is a big stupid idiot Jeff: I heard that. Sam: So much for the mute button. Sam: Some people might say your handwriting is from third grade. Beth: Some people might say that, but theyd have to be killed. John: Hey Jeff, what's the name of that store where Clyde shops? Jeff: Why, that's Publix Karl: Where Clyde shops! John: At Publix! Jeff and Karl: Where Clyde shops! John: So what you're saying is that Clyde shops at Karl: Publix! John, Karl, and Jeff: Where Clyde shops! AWARDS Beth - Most yellow-bellied pair of friends, Best Jitterbug Brendan - Best mortal combat fantasy, On fast track to Dordt college Callie - Best Shape smeller Clyde - I take too much crap from everyone award Jen - Best pole dancer Jess - Best quote, Best Ambassador of Qan, Santa wants to come home with you., Most yellow-bellied pair of friends Meagan - Best dinosaur impression Megan - Most normal Michele - Best original song - THE BAG LADY, Samantha- Best smashed orangutan viewed in the eighth dimension Tina - Most likely to be in a Volkswagon commercial MEMORIES Anti-Sadies party and the infamous bet X-files party and the duck fuzz and speedo scene (tennis or golf?) Tom-Cruise-Athon (1-800-dreamon) Kathys anti-prom party formal clothing incident (JEFF) New Years Eve Party and the car dropping Firecrackers at Johns b-day party Sams surprise birthday party: helium tank, the gong at Khans, dinosaur and sea monkey impressions, and shape smelling Brendans painted nails (this is an All Girl party) Samanthas punch drink (anti-Sadies) Johns Surprise Bowling Birthday Party Uninviting and re-inviting to Micheles parties Kathys birthday party and mini-golf The re-lighting candles on Johns cake Driving to Khans with Sam blindfolded (Sam wasnt driving) Discovering Mike Schwebachs drinking party on Halloween Donut party in Lit. The Ying Yang Necklace Clubmini golf at Lavalinks for Megans party Music Man at Jeffs party Ice sculpture for New Years Lethal LuauJessicas 16th birthday paryChief Wiki Wiki wearing womens underwear The orbs different soundswibble wobble, wobble wibbleStar Trek game at Beths Formal New Years Eve Award Ceremony Anti-Prom party and the beginning of Ultimate Jeffs Ultimate lump Jesss seven hit Ultimate catch at the Anti-Prom Party Brendans fair Ultimate teams Defending Tina in Ultimate games by making her laugh The Ice Bowl The Luftwaffe Frisbee The Frisbee flying into the hockey rink Megans black eyeIts all Johns fault (The Frisbee) Will jumping over the fence at Ultimate All Quit on the Western Front Group outing to see Saving Private Ryan Murder by Death Zulu The Fairchild-Yutzman Vocational Matrix video Making fun of Megans video library Michael French videotwo random people making out Macbeth Roman Polansky head-cam Macbreath Racy London Previews Watching Congo at Beths house 1941 - the movie Jerry Maguire50 times, Jessicas house, her dad and the remote Mr. Meyers heat register blowing up Leaky cardboard ceilings Clocks that never worked Mrs. Weavers drain pipe Movable walls Short selling Ebay and Motorolla Mr. Schwandts frickin cold room John breaking desks The bug zapping fence to keep the Mexicans out Michele stealing half the schoolasbestos tiles Dr. Mason Grossman and the troika at the district service center (Yutzman and Fairchild) Goodbye, Columbus The Ron Patimkin handshake Theme buses Rodeo Round-up Review Ich heie nasty Hearing Karl say a sentence for the first time Callies Tahitian Treat spill on Sams white carpet Jeff storming APUSH from time to time APUSH is over cookout at a park near Jeans house Bowls vs. Teacups Lunch movies and South Park Mr. Fortes pole dance (around Beth) Johns semi-used, half eaten waffle cone at the Vikings game Jeffs ill-fated squeak clip Jell-O eggs and special Jell-O eggs (with Vodka) Teacup picture and society Dress up teacup picture/paper doll on Johns wrapping paper Johns gift setting off the alarm at Best Buy The Muppet song Catherine the Greats death (horses) Bash-Callie Days called by the royal decree of Tina Callies dinosaur speech Ambassadors of Qan Sams goth day Mussolinis violin Hi, Mr. Forte pen Amit you make me vomit song Amit and Jen playing Twister in the back seat of the car Julies psychosomatic Pregnancy Tinas Sea Monkeys John and Tina getting hit by cars while biking (Johns citation for illegally operating a bicycle) Corn-Maze Leopard Boy and the Two Whores at the Rocky Horror Picture Show Brendans Mortal Combat fantasy The $1,000,000 prize computer gameBeauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all. Library campfire and sit-in around asbestos tiles Armadillo Eggs Mythical state champions in first semester Honors Lit. Ungames John tries to fix Beths phone by pulling the cord out of the receiver What sound does a platypus make? Mr. Manleys UFO sighting and home videos Playing Catch Phrase Poppers at the New Years Eve Party and Johns b-day Mr. Iverson switching hands while he wrote Calculus snacks/the Core Four/throwing candy at Brendan Hitting the clicking ceiling in Mrs. Weavers room with a yardstick Callie the paraplegic Jeffs 130 pounds Beth the zebra-pig John the Dalmatian-cow Renaissance festivalSamanthas dress purchase Beth and Jessicas promise to watch The West Karls ten-minute speechthe only time we have heard him talk that long Jess and Megan getting attacked by all of those birds in Venice Jennifer the pole dancer Jess and Jens breastroke dance Maharishi School of Mangement Jeff buying Micheles soul, reselling it at a profit to Megan, Callie, and Tina, and Michele stealing 2/3 of it back (Tina do you still have the rest?) Michele cutting Jeffs hair The Great Schism Jeff in drag Micheles German video (Juanita) Whan that Aprille Nobel prizes for creating corn that can use atmospheric nitrogen and monopole magnet Jess and Patrick Homecoming conspiracyvote early, vote often Jess and Patrick Wallpapering Mr. Schwandts room with his old pictures Team pictures Julie and Beth buying underwear for Jen and then asking Jeff his opinion The Underwear chain letter The non-stop Dairy Queen Machine Beth getting her butt slapped by the English guy Beths drinking experience in Germany Jess drinking experiences while visiting college campuses (the only girl to turn them down in their history) Patrick the Rocky Virgin Princess The Big Int case study Callies skanky brown dress and tattoo Tailgating at Homecoming Boxers or briefs at Jessicas New Years Eve Stalking the IO guy The island of Sa Scary Alaskan guy in Sam and Jess research paper Johns action shots of sledding at Hanson Park Micheles Dating Manifesto John and Jeff getting Mrs. Weaver a La-Z-Boy recliner Sitting in Beths driveway in the car listening to the Sugar Ray song Mathnet Folk festival and Science Museum The flute guy who gave Michele money at the Folk Festival The Fok Festival signs that fell down Colorful plastic sticky hand-covers Brendan leaving Samantha at school Capital field trip detour Car Wash Song Flying Toasters of Death tie Fine dining at Aurelios Popcorn at Beths Three-Way calling The mute button Band director jokes Many trips to the U of M, the Weisman, and Northrop Auditorium (where a portion of The Heartbreak Kid was filmed) The canceled Lit. final The Ling glare Schmerkin Bob and Schmerkin Bob II: The Sequel A mechanical hamster-the pet that Tina cant kill The sea monkey mittens The Scorpions The Sex Pistols Vodka Water The lub-dub relaxation tape in H. P. Ackermans tie Une Histoire Amits obsession with Ashes The cute dog in Rothenburg Operation Twinkie B5+M2=? The Girl Talk Games Making Origami cranes for Jen Not being able to break the seal Megans first Beanie Baby Zap! Poke, poke! You Dont Know Jack (but Amit knows all the commercials) Tricking Callie into giving Tina her locker combination so that Michele could put up Hanson pictures in her locker Meagan almost walking into the mens bathroom at the History Center at Folk Fest Beth and Jesss telephone marathons Trial at U of M Math team practices Typical guy behavior Beth and Jesss escapade at the state fair with the hot guy with good hair (Beths dad saves the day?) Jen being Open 24 Hours Earrth Quuaake!! Julie clinging to Beth in the London Dungeon Being accused of being Can-Can dancers in the London Dungeon Carhenge Jills roll in the hay financed by Jeff Egyptian Rat RaceJen lunging for Jess Hearts, Oh Hell, Cuts and Cans, Crazy Eights Dividing up the countries of the world Kathys soap opera Mikes scrunchie Welcome to Greece Alison on the phone with her mom and Jen in the background going No Gustav, get off! Tribble Peach popsicles Bloody steaks Pineapple ring Wheres the ice cream? Silver bullet Callie alien sighting Badmintonthe duct-taped racket Being thrown out of the Italian restaurant in London Being stuck in an Italian restaurant and Rebecca paying for everyone Trips to Annies Parlor Clyde the dog kicker Pickle Hats Light saber Chinese Yo-Yos and pens Joe and Ryans kung fu fighting with no shirts on Super horn football games Lip syncing to Ghostbusters music Callie as a subject for the hypnotist The melting eyes of Hiroshima Callies obsessions Jess stay at Beths and Callies Graduation speechesJune 15th (rather than the 14th) Stephanies conversion speech at Baccalaureate Mr. Thomsons math speech Grow-a-Date Math team lunch at Khans H.P. TSIParking lot lady DQ with Thompson (the one day Beth skipped class she missed the fun) Thompson walking through a stick Heathrow airport security taking bags if left for long and blowing them up Larry at the Hippodrome The super shoe cave being fixed with Duct tape Beths grape juice that Callie spilled on Megan Wuv, Twu Wuv [Love, True Love] Satchmo Fabricated war veterans Michele getting pierced and her discounted Docs Callies periwinkle ladybug Dr. Martins Peter and the yellow umbrellaquarter past four, four fifteen Morris the London bus driver hitting on everyone Locking Jen in her room Going to London and seeing all the Spice Girls stuff Jen stealing Megans red light saber pen Jeffs near miss coming home from the play Two loversball bearing Das Nilpferd, das Wellblech, Gamma Strahlen, das Blutfleck, einaugig Craisen incidentCallie and Michelle throwing them at a ladys hood Seeing Sporty Spice and Brian Adams in London The burning of the I into the Totino Grace Field by our football playersThey really are good kids. Beths backpack almost falling out the window at lunch Congo board game Killing Jeff with the spork in Brit. Lit. in four languages Truth or Dare at Beths house The white-girl John drinking Patricks popOops! Marve the camera man Concert at all-girls school Suchas fly down during the concert Shemalethe nurse in London Product placement at London Dungeon coke and Pepsi Pepsi Max Nice Michele, Naughty Michele Frolicking at the U All the drunk people in London Dodgy/Waky, Waky/Plasters The trash lady in Leicester Square beating up the Hare Krishna Megan spraining her ankle in London Smashing Pumpkins concertMichele body surfing Bash Jeff dayJeff have you seen your shadow yet Perkins parking lot incident Mailbox incident on the way to Jens open house Begging for money at Perkins Crappy Econ. Comics Arguing test questions in APUSH Cow jumped over the moon at the awards ceremony Class for the hearing impairedfire drill in 2nd hour Miss Weavers room Cheesy snow globes There are no kangaroos in Austria Late nighter with Jess, Beth, Julie Jess and Beth getting stuck on the ride at Mall of America Counting fire extinguishers on the log chute ride Do you want to touch my ass? Hiding silverware at Perkins Bakers Square nights Michele/ Samsheep balls, religious discussions Buddy pictures Jens 200 IM2 minutes Hyperventilating for that superior rating TSI projectMeagan, Jess, and Jen won Calls from Mr. Otto Math team wins first place at state Fortes definition of primary sources: the ones from which you get most of your information Sams close encounter with bowling balls Sammy/ Jake (Alison, Jess) A Model Proposal Sam coaching Beth about how to get a spine Anti-Thanksgiving and Greedfest cards Killer measuring cups Sprengeri Coffee shop hopping Ungame on Jessicas porch Pixie sticks Salinger/Conspiracy Theorycarrying a copy of Catcher in the Rye Princess Di ads Scrabble Pooh sticks Going to plays with Dr. Young In the woods for APUSH Yearbook page Eye on Academics with pictures of weight training and lunch Getting too big for your britches Red Rum and Fortes reports Puppets Amits Indian accent Midnight dance lessons from MacJill Icky Bryan Shelstad College essays The Spice Girls CD Leg warmers Blackjack University Watching Princess Bride in APUSH Watching Welcome to the Dollhouse at Callies house Interviews during storms Fireworks and piata at Kathys birthday party Watching fireworks at the History CenterWhich is the front door? Moosee-mail fun at Jeans Call Police and the Cuban drug lords that steal papers Capture the Flag Poking eye out sticks Eye patches Beths ill-fated Chia Pet Brendan losing his keys The bendy things by Megans house Nuruddin Farah Almost winning the food drive in Lit. Schwandt subsidized pizza party Honors Lit. hierarchy: Schwandt->Field Marshall-> Row Captains->Just Folks bel Kuh Treat-or-trick Wishing wells Seeing eye dogs Seeing eye horses Commiesspies Walks Swings Totem pole Pig farms Bridget Rearranging Mrs. Weavers desks Writing messages to Brit. Lit class in Comp Quote day in APUSH Football teamwere improving Kazoo shopping Tuna sandwiches for lunch Sidekicks and power ties Pooh Cheating at the Corn Maze Patrick and Jess going Goth for Halloween Jen/ Jess I Am the Cheese Beatles project Europe trips The exotic dancing class at Mount Holyoke The giant bug on Beth Fantasy football Callies drivers license Olive branch Dating book to be written by Michele and Jess with help from Samantha (because she is the only one that has been on a date) Amits top ten if you will checklist for Forte The scary bridge Swing dancing Smashing Pumpkins/ REM/ Rolling Stones 1st Ave.the coffee shop/ Honey Dogs Jesss car incidentsdriving at night with sunglasses, trying to figure out how to work the defrost, hitting the recycling bin, stopping in the middle of the intersection Tams Rice Bowl after volunteering at MHSno fortune for Beth Lava lamps Grendal: Frau Cow, Kathy Lee, Hanson, Spice Girls Honors Geography/ World History The Onion The Hunt The Simpsons The X-Files La Boum Midway Kate Winslet (Winslut) Custom wrapping paper Clyde buys his own birthday cake Conga-Rats - You did it! Kathys list of forbidden topics: bodies, porn, cars, Gerard Depardieu, French movies Kick Some Asymptote Wheres Prachi? T.P. on Sam and Brendans trees Charred dinners at Boy Scout camp Spider sniffing Callies commentary on the water skiing tapesfutile rescue attempts Conversation pauses every seven minutes Playing Life Stories and celebrating each other NICKNAMES Ackerman: The Mighty Ack Amit: Awesome A, Ahmo, The Gossip, Rinaldo, Mac Daddy Beth: MacBeth, MacBeeth, The Secret Weapon, Fifi Brendan: Broindis, Brendo, Fuzzball, Trendy Brendy, Bebeto Callie: Fluid Girl, Lieutenant Callie, the Paraplegic Clyde: Clode, Cleed, Clippy, Clip, the Clipper, Cloudy, Cloud, Clood, the Clap, Clodeo, Clink, Clank, Clope, Clydeascope, Clang, Clam, Clack, Clard, Clod, the Clapper, Cloop, Cloof, Cletus, Clay, and any other word starting with the letters CL Eric: The One-Armed Wonder Jean: IBMer Jeff: Mac-I, Half-Breed, Joof, Joiffis, J.P., Jeffaroo, Misterrrrrrrrrrrrrr Jeff, Jeffarino, Stick Boy Jessica: Jess, The Fool on the Hill, Piglet, Patticca Jill: Ugly Knees Joe: Joe-Joe, Joe Sta Lin, NIKOSKAZANTAZAKIS! John: Joindis, The Pope Julie: Jules Karl: Kaaa, Noisy Karl Lee: The Bee Kathy: Kit-Kat, Wild Kat Meagan: Meggo, Meg Megan: Moogie Michele: Tigger, the burrito Miles: Kilometers Nathan: Newt, Newtie Bear Patrick: Patricia, Nature Boy Rob: Robbo-bobbo, Ribbo Bibbo, Insane Amish Homie Shawn: Raddatz When the Walls Fell Down Tina: Tuna, Owl, Dunga Tom: Tahmeese Weaver: Leave it to Weaver, The Weave, Ach du Weaver, To Weave or Not to Weave SONGS THE AMIT SONG: Amit, you make me vomit And your shoes are as bright as a comet. Your figure is such a beautiful sight Why dont you wear something tight? To the club you always go Why is it that your muscles dont show? Your laugh is so funny Why wont you be my honey? And you think youre so cool But youre nothing but a fool. SOMETHING'S MISSING from The Muppet Show I've got two wheels on my tricycle and four toes on each foot I've got six days in my week and up with this I will not put I'm a bath without a plug and I'm a handle with no jug I'm a kiss without a hug unless you're near me I've got three strings on my violin and I'm an only twin Something's missing, something's missing, something's __-__-ing Well, my cat has only got eight lives, he chases two blind mice On my birthday, when I get three cheers, they only cheer me twice I'm an oil well with no oil and I'm a plant that has no soil I'm a kettle that won't boil unless you're near me Two and two make three when I add; you're an orphan, says my dad Something's missing, something's missing, something's __-__-ing But, whenever you come close to me, my life is all complete No longer do I have four toes, no longer two left feet I'm a playground full of swings and I'm an eagle with his wings I'm a nightingale that sings because you're near me Now, my love, I beg you stay 'cause, when you stay, then I can say Nothing's missing, nothing's missing, nothing's missing! SONGS LYRICS BY JEFF (Ill Be Doing Math) For The Longest Time Music by Billy Joe Oh, oh oh oh-four plus five is nine-oh oh oh-three times three is I could not multiply til third grade Thats why Im not in HP today (oh oh oh) And I met John in high fifth grade math with Jorgensen Been out of Bel Air for the longest time Oh, oh oh oh-three plus two is five-oh oh oh-six minus one I recall variables with Linden Xs and Ys were quite scary then (oh oh oh) And I had fun see learning angles with Super Larski Glad Ive not had Tenold for the longest time Hey, no sweat, I can do problems of the week But that Tenold, boy, he was such a geek Taught a unit based on The Pit and Pendulum It lasted a month and it I learned little from I was in the crunch course but twelve days Dropped so I could be in the fall play (oh oh oh) Workload was too heavy so I learned from Palmer then Olszanski If you call that learning it took a long time On my tests I hope to get all As But I never study, just play video games Functions, graphing, and identities Oh, how I fear taking Calc taught by Grunke Sam and Joe are in the UMTYMP Meanwhile I struggle with this junk (oh oh oh) And it just bugs I not knowing the exact value of pi That decimal goes on for the longest time Its three point one four one five nine two six five and on forever Now Im in Thompsons excellent class Absorbing trig functions with much distress (oh oh oh) Doin Precalculus even though it might seem worthless Ill be doing math for the longest time Oh, oh oh oh-maybe til I die-oh oh oh-telling kids about sines-oh oh oh-computing all my life- Oh oh oh-on my TI-85-oh oh oh-for the longest time-oh oh oh-mm mm mm Trip Me Music by Sixpence None The Richer Trip me And make me fall on the floor Owee! Hit my head on the door Please, please, please call nine-one-one Till my skull cracked it was all games and fun Oh, trip me So I get a concussion Bring me a bunch of smelling salts Wave your open hands, get someone fast who will pour on the gas to the hospital You tripped me Trip me At the top of a stairwell Falling, down a few flights I will Ring, ring; the ambulance bell It blares and takes me and I feel like hell Oh, trip me My right arms broke and it hurts Bring me anesthesia for it Fix my kneecaps too; NO! dont use glue! You really are a fool, gosh youre so stupid You tripped me (Musical Interlude) Trip me Now Ill go get my lawyer Hee, hee; just wait till you get sued I want your money, Im so greedy and Ive not been shopping in thirteen long weeks So trip me So trip me So trip me So trip me Bright Lights (for Second Semester Intro to Fiction Class of 99) Music by Billy Joel Got a visit from Michael today; you were never close Stealing silverware together wasnt bonding He said youve forgot the family then punched you in the nose But soon apologized for the whole, messy thing You dont need Amanda anymore; youve got bright lights Youve got Tad and all the Bolivian youll need Feel free to have a fling or two when out at night Just dont try to start anything with Stevie You dont think Amanda will offer you a second chance (You dont think shell offer you) You dont think that she really wanted a true romance (You do not think) She just wanted to be Trailer Park Land free Shell model a clothes line But not on your time Do you know what would be the sweetest revenge? Tad said Lets go hide that ferret in Claras desk drawer. So late one night you sneaked in with your cuddly pal, Fred The next morning Alex was passed out on the floor You dont need Amanda anymore; youve got bright lights Megan will help you out anytime that you need Go tell Clara to shove it, thats a Fact thats been Verified Try to start youre life over again with Vicki You dont think Amanda will offer you a second chance (You dont think shell offer you) You dont think that she really wanted a true romance (You do not think) She just wanted to be Trailer Park Land free Shell marry Odysseus Whos probably a wuss You dont need Amanda anymore; youve got bright lights Eat your bread, learn again, you must go slowly (You dont need her youve got bright lights) (You dont need her youve got bright lights) (You dont need her youve got bright lights) Samantha, Youre The Top! (for Samantha Livingston) Music by Cole Porter Ive known you six years and I want you to hear some things I have to tell And I do not want to yell, over Michele, or Noisy Karl This is a serious song and it wont take long, I swear it aint no sham Its a form of expression that states with perfection exactly how I feel about you, Sam! Youre the top! Youre a real neat kiddo! Youre the top! A bowl filled with Jello! Youre a full tank of gas, a Mrs. Weaver class, a root beer Youre an A from Forte, non-regulation shorts, and Matt Damons ears I can see, its as clear as a bell Why youre the Ambassador of Qan to Michele And I can take the pain when anger you feign so dont stop I love your little mind games, youre the top! Youre the top, as in rank in our class Thats because you have busted your ass Taking all kinds of courses, working like a horse, but Ill bet On it youll rely when you apply to MIT and Cal Tech You study a load, tough to stop you when youre rolling Thats why you say no when I want to take you bowling But thats no bummer cause during summer I wont be stopped So study on into the night cause youre the top! Someday soon I hope that well go Up Hamline Avenue and back to Aurelios And if like you say you wanna help pay I wont moan Once were filled, well split the bill and take the leftovers home Youre so cute, and Im sorry about your cheek, see But Ill tell you, I think scars are sexy So if you get one there youll have matching pair and be hot Still its better to stay healthy when youre the top! I wont lie, no Pinocchio will I be Those puppy eyes, they cast a spell over me John says I am weak but Im just a geek who will drop Whatever Im doing to help you, youre the top! Next Valleyfair, Ill drive you home, I swear, cause youre the top! Clydie (for Clyde Cady) Music by The Association Whos mopin all around Irondale Takin crap from Karl, John, and Jeef Someday Im sure hell say a good comeback Everyone knows its Clydie He and Karl are in the orchestra Plus the class taught by dumb, old Forte Take and if you will for all practical purposes Everyone knows its Clydie And Clydie has wavy hair Sometimes he gives a blank stare And Clyde plays cards with the guys But loses most of the time (most of the time, most of the time, most of the time) We call him Clid, Clode, and Cleed He loves books by Tom Clancy Clyde goes swimming at the club Where he flub-a-dubs (he flub-a-dubs, he flub-a-dubs, he flub-a-dubs) Someone has the best mom in the world Try her cookies, Im sure youll agree Sure buddy, lets go over to your house Everyone knows its Clydie And whos got five, soon to be six siblings So far the coolest one is Stewie Believe pal, we all feel for you Everyone knows its Clydie I Want To Write You On My Tax Form, Baby Music (and some lyrics) by Richie Rainville On April fourteenth I was writin to the IRS, babe I was goin through receipts and my W-Twos I found a brochure from our MLT vacation And I thought of all the good times Ive had with you I called you up on my portable speed-dial phone, babe Asked you if youd like to marry me Im lookin to claim two on this years tax form And who knows, maybe next year well claim three I want to write (write) write (write) write you on my tax form, baby I want to claim (claim) claim (claim) claim you as dependency Because if youre (youre) youre (youre) youre on my tax form, baby Then we wont have to file separately Right now Im in the lowest tax bracket, babe Right now Im as lonely as can be But if you make me rich with youre love, babe Then my wealth would rival the GDP I dont earn that much, Im not loaded, babe But I want money for nothin' and chicks for free So if, together, we earn less than fifty thou, babe Remember, we could use form E-Z I want to write (write) write (write) write you on my tax form, baby I want to claim (claim) claim (claim) claim you as dependency Because if youre (youre) youre (youre) youre on my tax form, baby Then we wont have to file separately Theres lots of tax breaks to be had, babe Lots of ways to save on the Ten-Forty And if youd just give me your hand, babe My joy would jump-start the economy I want to write (write) write (write) write you on my tax form, baby I want to claim (claim) claim (claim) claim you as dependency Because if youre (youre) youre (youre) youre on my tax form, baby Then we wont have to file separately Dont you know I want to write (write) write (write) write you on my tax form, baby Thats why Im down (down) down (down) down on my bended knee I got this ring (ring) ring cause I want you on my tax form, baby Come on baby and marry me! Soprano Man (for Joe Lin) Music by Billy Joel Its seven fifty on a Monday The Concert Choir shuffles in Sarah is sitting here next to me On my left is my good friend Joe Lin I say, Joe can you sing me a melody? As a din begins to fill the room He slowly opens up his red folder And pulls out Ave Verum Ave Verum Corpus Natum Sing for us Joe, youre Soprano Man Sing us a song today Cause the choir is sitting here restlessly And I dont think that they want to stay Little Joe was once a Metro choirboy Went to Switzerland and France As a first soprano he had a glorious time Now he sings high when given the chance Ave Verum Corpus Natum There are two tenors in the Concert Choir One is Joe and the other is Jeff Sadly I cant read music, please Joe, sing our part But hes busy hitting a high F Ah, ah, ah ah ah ah, ah ah, ah ah ah, ah ah Sing for us Joe, youre Soprano Man Sing us a song today Cause the choir is sitting here restlessly And I dont think that they want to stay So you see now its time for the Spring Concert And Mr. O is looking distressed Because we only know three of our six songs Hope we dont cause the audience unrest But Im not worried about the tenors two Joe really seems to know every song I will not be enraged as we enter the stage And well just pray that nothing goes wrong Ave Verum Corpus Natum You sang for us Joe, youre Soprano Man You sang out the songs with might Now the Concert Choir is much happier Just knowing you got the words right Yes, you sang for us Joe, youre Soprano Man Oh, you sang out the songs with might And you know Joe that Im so grateful to you Because you helped me get my notes right Thank You For The English (for Mrs. Mary Beth Weaver) Music by ABBA First day freshman year, we were scared to walk in the door We thought seniors would be mean and push us on the floor But within two weeks you said with a glow Your class has potential; how did you know? You are one smart cookie Thank you for language arts and HP And us say thank you for the English; it started out right We flew like Adam on his bike We learned faster than Charlie solved complexities Were filled with glee cause we did not read Tale of Two Cities So us say thank you for the English For teaching it to we Brit. Lit. was harder than anything wed had before Well, not day to day but those tests we did not amour Honors College English was kinda tough too Because Jesss and Jeffs class was like a zoo Seniors got on your nerves We juniors tried hard not to perturb And us said thank you for the English; essays were writing Class is up, our nails were biting Wed be no place without the writing skills you have weaned Things would be bleak if wed not read Beowulf and MacBeeth So us say thank you for the English For teaching it to we Honors Composition Showed what being in college means We honed our skills in composing quite long works Partner research to ethnography Thank you for the English and four big papers In them we described our capers From personal essay to review to conferencing Now were ready for St. Bens, U of M, Tufts, MIT So us say thank you for the English For teaching it to we So us say thank you for the English For learning it to we Run Me Over Music by Alanis Morrisette In the ER is where I lay I now wish that I had looked both ways You came from nowhere Right now, my legs, I cannot feel Each bone broken from head down to heel My spine is all twisted Youve already run me over; sucks to be me But you werent alarmed when my head was kicked by my feet You only sped off to avoid the chasing police car You know you broke the Samaritan law Surgery done, Im in full body cast As I am leaving, your Chevy comes speeding past Here we go again Youve already run me over, two times this week With the damage to my cerebrum, things look bleak But what I dont get is why you have a death wish for me Im sure that sane is what you cant be In my hospital bed I am watching the news The policemen are restraining you Looks like youre finished But no, whats this now: youve broken free Running are you to the room housing me And then you burst in You killed my dog! you scream, choking me I recall hitting him with my Caddy Sparky is gone now Sparky is gone now It seems I ran your dog over Monday at three Now it makes sense that you sought to get even with me And if you please stop strangling me Ill by you a new pooch Just name him Rover, Fido, or Scoob It seems I ran your dog over Monday at three Now it makes sense that you sought to get even with me And if you please stop strangling me Ill by you a new pooch See he stays off of Fifth Avenue Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! AAAARRRRF! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! AAAARRRRF! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! AAAARRRRF! See he stays off of Fifth Avenue Clyden Cader (for Clyde Cady) Music by Weezer Whats with this always calling Clyde Clode? Cleed Clink Clope Clard Cliff Clod Why does he have so many nicknames? Made up by Jeff and John Woo hoo, and we call him Clode Woo hoo, and we call him Clod Woo hoo, at least we dont call him Bob Oh way oh das ist our friend Clyden Cader Oh oh and he is a big goofball I dont care what Kar says about that anyway He dont say much at all (Musical Interlude) It began the time we wanted to rhyme Clydes Name with pronouns in songs Me rhymed with Cleed and you rhymed with Clood and I-Clyde was there all along Woo hoo, so we sang things neat Like Nobody knows it but Cleed Woo hoo, soon each song was about he Oh way oh das ist our friend Clyden Cader He wishes wed never changed his name But John and I are so easily amused that well Keep calling him The Clap Or names like Click and Clack Soon any word that began With CL was fair game for the plan Tina likes the name Cloud Patrick shouts The Clipper out loud Meagan still seems to be confused She says, Whats all of this hullabaloo? Whattsamatta whattsamatta whattsamatta Clood? Dont you like all of the names for you? (Musical Interlude) At least we dont call him Bob (we dont call him Bob) Oh way oh das ist our friend Clyden Cader And hes a good sport about this deal At the U hell miss being called a dozen things John, take care of that John, take care of that John, take care of that John, take care of that Callie (for Callie Hutchison) Music by George Gershwin About a girl I now will sing She lives on Fourteenth Street Some say her dad is Stephen King Yes, let me tell you about Callie When she was young she used to shiver At her house in Fridley Cause you know its cold down by the river Now New Brightons the home of Callie She has some problems with her nose that have got doctors perplexed When Fluid Girl comes over stock up on Kleenex And just to piss of Michele Shes yelled, Hi Mr. Forte! Hey, Callie go to Hell! screamed Michele Because you are a whore cookie! For skating Callie has a knack But she hurt herself recently They shot some fluid in her back Shes been off of the ice for twelve weeks She wants a husband with great pecs Why? Well, obviously His only use will be for sex His I.Q. need not be over three Everybody jumps for joy when Tina stands up to say, By Royal Decree todays Bash Callie Day! Go on a date I thought we should To Perkins and a movie But I cant compete with Hollywood And stars Matt, Ben, and David Duchovny Callie does the Xena yell But whats even more scary She once dreamt she was Gabrielle Oh, the horror and the agony Im afraid Callie might get round Cause she loves Sno Ball snack treats And tends to eat them by the pound Lets pray she sees the age of twenty So heres wishing you long life, Callie Here We Come, Were The Nerd Group (for The Girls and Guys of The Nerd Group) Music by Billy Joel Anti-Sadies famous bet, Zebra Pig, Ultimate APUSH cookout, Whos Ralph Lauren?, Teacups versus Bowls Dalmation Cow, movable walls, trips to Weisman, Aurelios Tom Cruise-A-Thon, E-CO-NOM-ICS, Michele steals her soul Bring the ruckus, Corn Maze, X-Files Party, Catch Phrase Anti-Prom, Well screw you!, Dont need this hullabaloo! Register blows, Zulu, Its not personal, boozers lose Firecrackers, body piercing, Shoosh up, and I DARE YOU! Here we come, were the Nerd Group We dont smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think Here we come, were the Nerd Group Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O Tailgating, Power Tie, Return to formation flight FIELD MARSHALL!, hit by cars, shall we now circle up Whoa whoa, Daddy-O. The big I rules, doncha know Karl say something, New Years Eve saw the car drop Rodeo Round-Up, sea monkey, Homecoming Conspiracy Luftwaffe, Folk Festival, Candy Boys, see you in Hell! Complex question, shapes smell, Raddatz When The Walls Fell Bad News Bears, Cut Jeffs hair, Schickelgruber? Please spell. Here we come, were the Nerd Group We dont smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think Here we come, were the Nerd Group Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O Concern, Quiet, Consciousness, Highway 10 Alias Dead is the King!, Long live the King! Have you seen your shadow?, Eggs Armadillo Frickin Star Wars, Force the Queen, Mated with a scorpion Hundred thou increments, Vodka Jell-O eggs, The Pants Gabloffel, pop spills, Take and if you will Sex and pizza, Watch out!, This must come down, Good that sounds Matrix Video, bitch knees, Nikos Kazantzakis!!! Here we come, were the Nerd Group We dont smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think Here we come, were the Nerd Group Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O Hemingway, Nannerman, nuts of Bavarians Ron Patimkin, Beths the Secret Weapon Mighty Ack, Leave it to Weave, Trendy Brendy, Dunga, Cleed J.P., Brendo, Sta Lin, Gossip Ahmo Kit Kat, Rinaldo, IBMer, Robbo Bobbo Nature Boy, Moogie, Cloif, One-Armed Wonder, The Bee, Joif Here we come, were the Nerd Group We dont smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think Here we come, were the Nerd Group Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O Hack cough choke die! Thats the freshman battle cry! Shoot. What? Rollers. Naw. Yeah. Shoot., bowlers Amit Come Lately makes sense, Weaver says John is dense Ukulele: hick mandolin, My dumb brother? Ill look for him Most Normal, Orangutan Viewed in the 8th Dimension Track to Dordt, Dino Impression, Yellow-Bellied Pair of Friends Bag Lady original song, Best Ambassador of Qan Jitterbug, Home Santa Will Come Too Much Crap From Everyone! Here we come, were the Nerd Group We dont smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think Here we come, were the Nerd Group Just look at us go for that twelve point O (point O point O point O point O point O point O) Here we come, were the Nerd Group We dont smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think Here we come, were the Nerd Group Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O Here we come, were the Nerd Group We dont smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think Here we come, were the Nerd Group Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O Here we come, were the Nerd Group We dont smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think Here we come, were the Nerd Group Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O Bye Bye to Irondale High (for The Girls and Guys of The Nerd Group) Music by Don McLean A long, long time from now Ill always remember how our group members used to make me smile From finding Ive been underpaid to Jess saying, I must get laid And campfires around asbestos tiles Come September we will say goodbye to each other and even you Clyde But look not ahead fools; first pass College in the Schools All the experts say it feels great the moment that you graduate But, for now, I can wait to leave the cardboard crate Bye bye to Irondale High Where the parking lot is Swiss cheese and the silverfish thrive And where a guys and girls group two years has combined Saying, Please turn up the heat or well die, please turn up the heat or well die Did you know our group was set when the girls to Sam had lost a bet? One that kept us from Sadies How instead while outside it was dark we played the Un game, watched South Park And learned of Brendans Mortal Kombat fantasy We all gathered round and had a seat where Callie once spilled Tahitian Treat This time we got it right when somebody dumped a Sprite At the time we obviously didnt know Sam would dress in Goth, Jeff would buy Micheles soul New Years Eve awards were down the road the day we became a whole But now were singin bye bye to Irondale High Where the cardboard ceilings leak and Weaver has a drain pipe Schwandts rooms so cold our tears freeze before we can cry Begging, Please turn up the heat or well die, please turn up the heat or well die Now, for two years weve searched low and high for new names for our good friend Clyde But, it goes beyond Clode and Cleed Basically, words starting with CL are Jim Dandy for this living hell So call him Cloifis, Cloudy, Clap, Clippy Other groupies have nicknames also like Broindis, Noisy Karl, Joe-Joe Tuna, Lieutenant, Joindis; Fluid Girl, MacBeeth, and Joifis Fuzzball, Patricia, Kar, Jumpin J; Tigger, The Pope, and Awesome A Secret Weapon, who made up these crazy names? Moogie, someday well pay (if we run for office) Bye bye to Irondale High Where floor-sittings unprofessional in St. Peters eyes Schwandts wall has old pics, Weaves La-Z-Boy reclines We still plead, Turn up the heat or well die, please turn up the heat or well die Great Googley Moog, in Fortes room you can take and co-mingle, a strategic boo-boo Too little too late, you struck dumb duuuuuuuuuupe There was Karls wake of wakiness and a pole dance between Forte and Beth One day alive, the next Schmerkin Bob was dead The lunchtime movies were a bit better than the Front where All had Quit The first Bash Callie Day came after Micheles Hi Mr. Forte! The biggest jackrabbits, Im an American; one was damn, the other dammit Dinosaur Speech, Clydes blob, the pen We were on top of it (just like King Henry) Bye bye to Irondale High Where theres Jell-O Eggs aplenty but the squeak clips all die Assume the position in case of a fire Screaming, Please be my buddy or Ill die, please be my buddy or Ill die Jeff was shocked, stunned, taken aback when elbowed at Ooltimoot by Zach Michele dont need your pity notes So come on John be nimble, John get psyched, John illegally operated a bike And also ate a secondhand waffle cone Oh BOSH! Meagan might say to thee when learning of Twister in the backseat As crazy as it sounds, Jeffs 130 pounds Jess and Pat were Homecoming nominees while Beth got slapped by an English freak And at school Brendan Sam would leave That made her a bit peeved (My bros an idiot!) Bye bye to Irondale High Where the Car Wash song is sung in Toasters of Death tie Orthopedic shoes make walking so nice Still, Please turn up the heat or well die, please turn up the heat or well die Whan that Aprille I caught up with Jules and I asked her when she was due From her psychosomatic pregnancy Then I saw Joe, Moogie, and John, three never made Ambassadors of Qan Writing nonsense in their planners daily And at a teacup picture girls gawked, the Manifesto told to date not I couldnt stop Amit at the rim, Could only hope to contain him And the three men we know must be wild: Grossman, Yutzman, and Phairchild At the Service Center theyre exiled Still Patrick is ones child The troikas singin bye bye to Irondale High Were off to graduate now at Roy Wilkins at night Its been lots of fun, still theres no need to cry Just shout, Please turn up the heat or well die, please turn up the heat or well die Were all singin bye bye to Irondale High Where the parking lot is Swiss cheese and the silverfish thrive And where a guys and girls group two years has combined Saying, Please turn up the heat or well die WRITINGS Hey people! We are making a book. It is a book with memories in it. You might even say it is a memory book. So we suppose you may want to put some of your memories in the book. Since we arent totally opposed to your existence, we are considering allowing you to contribute some of your memories to the book. You may submit your entries for approval to Sam, Michele, MacBeth, or Jess. We will accept the following: Quotes dont forget to attribute them to someone (e.g. I just gotta get laid before I die! Jessica) Key words or very short phrases (e.g. Second hand ice-cream sundaes) w/short explanation College choice or after high school plans E-mail address and/or phone numbers Short writings (e.g. The Manifesto) Clever essays (e.g. Dr. Seuss John and Joe this means you) Group pictures A senior picture or acceptable equivalent (if you fail to provide a current photo, we will hunt you down and break your kneesTina, we are speaking directly to you!) A baby picture (Tina please read the above parenthetical statement again) Fantasy football stats. Guy stuff Other All submissions should be submitted to the aforementioned people in the following format: Photos should be in an envelope with your name on it in blue or black ink. Photos will be returned to you. Submissions of text should be legibly printed in blue or black ink or typed, double-spaced, Times New Roman 12-point font, with standard margins. All entries that are written in pencil, folded, spindled, mutilated, are not up to our high standards or are just plain pathetic will be laughed at with glee and then burned for the sake of humanity. Entries with obscene language or lewd overtones will be accepted by Michele! All submissions must be submitted by April 15. All entries received after the April 15 deadline will be made into paper airplanes and origami aminals for the amusement of the staff. All submissions are subject to the approval of the committee of the Joint Chiefs of Staffs Joint Legal Advisory Committees Personal Assistants Chefs. All decisions by said committee are final and legally binding. So quit your bitchin. So dont give us none of your guff. Shut your pie and/or cake hole. We dont really care. Frankly my dear, we dont give a damn. And this is not the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Post High School Plans By Tina Byun I plan to attend college at Northwestern University for a year and then drop out because of all of the preps. Much to the chagrin of a certain loser I know, I will join the Marines and become well acquainted with wilderness survival techniques and many weapons. I will also make many friends to be called upon later. Then I will disappear from civilization never to be seen or hear from, hiding out in the Rocky mountains somewhere near the border between the United States and Canada. I will reside there without any connection with the outside world, hunting my own meat, picking my own berries, and spearing some fish. During this period of seclusion I will secretly recruit followers to aid me in my take over of the United States of America. I will have much weaponry stolen from my days in the military and will use it to obtain my goals. My old Marines friends will also assist me here. After I have completed the hostile take over, I will appoint people to head different sections of the nation. I do remember my friends and will provide for those who were friendly to me. I strongly suggest remaining on my good side during the next year when you will have ample opportunity to remain in contact with me. Many e-mails, letters, and phone calls are strongly recommended if you wish to be considered for high ranking positions. My enemies will be tortured and persecuted without mercy so take heed to my warnings. Ingredients of the Present Day Cauldron By Jeff Rawitsch for Mrs. Weavers Brit. Lit. The ingredients in this cauldron, like the devil, Must be those of the purest evil; Splintered wood and broken glass, Mr. Fortes wonderful class Stomach flu and the unscratchable itch, Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich, Organized Crime and all of its schemes, Brussel sprouts and lima beans, Loss of hearing and cataracts, Kevin Garnetts multi-million-dollar contract, Bankruptcy and overwhelming debt, Chewing tobacco and cigarettes, Rusty nails sticking out of crates, The Minnesota Vikings play of late, Irondale band blue blazer vests, And Mrs. Weavers essay test. Is there anything I have forgot? Please do add it to this pot. Macbeth: Act I, Scene VII in the style of Dr. Seuss Written by John Secord and read by Joe Lin for Mrs. Weavers Brit. Lit Macbeth: If I do the deed, If I do the deed, It should be quick, When I do the deed. But if I do the thing, To the king, The thing may torture, Back to me bring. I should not put the king to death. I should not on my honor as Macbeth. I should not, should not in his sleep. I should not, should not in my keep. I should not, should not for you see, The good king is related to me. What is this? I hear feet. L. Macbeth: The king is ready to eat, And you have left your seat. Macbeth: No further in this business will we go, For honors upon me the king did bestow. L. Macbeth: Why are you now so meek, Letting loose thoughts make you weak? Macbeth: I am a man, Lady Macbeth, I am, I am. L. Macbeth: If you did this easy thing, You could be the king. You would be more than a man. You could be Macbeth the King-I-Am. Macbeth: But what if things dont go well. They will cut off our heads, And we will go to a bad place. L. Macbeth: Then we go to a bad place, But if you get strong, Nothing will go wrong. I will drug the guards he keeps, And you will kill him while he sleeps. Macbeth: Say! I would like to put the king to death. I do, I do, Lady Macbeth. I would do it in his sleep. I would do it in my keep. I would put the king to death. Thank you, thank you, Lady Macbeth. A Model Proposal By Michele Hunter for Mrs. Weavers Brit. Lit 1.22.98 It would appear that in this day and age, despite a rather ingenious proposal by one Jonathan Swift, the world is still in much need of a way to feed the many impoverished people living among us. Yes, it is true and sadly so, that even today there are people who do not have enough to eat. Granted, there are those of us who in one week throw away enough food to feed an entire town. But how can we be expected to eat things that do not look appetizing, such as leftovers? As for the ever troubled citizens of high society that have enough to do worrying about whether it would be more appropriate to serve caviar or escargot as an appetizer at their next dinner party: leave them to their worries. There are, however, a few sacrificing people who bravely go out into the wilds of the world to make commercials to help raise awareness of this problem that we facemuch of the time at great risk of getting their designer khakis dirty and their overpriced Eddie Bauer hiking boots scuffed. These saintly souls bravely campaign to make us all aware that some unfortunate young girl named Maria is forced to share an orange rind with her seven brothers and sisters for dinner, but you need not fret because for only five cents a day you can provide Maria and her siblings with a twelve course meal three times day. Sound too easy? Thats probably because it doesnt work. It would seem that, in truth, Maria, if she ever really existed, is being given a meager handful of rice once a day. All of this while a certain former All in the Family actress seems to be reaping the none-to-thinning rewards of those mysteriously missing twelve course meals. This simply is not working. Something must be done. Drastic measures must be taken. The time for action has come. It is for this reason that I humbly submit to you a model proposal. Admittedly, it is a plan that is not without its faults, as I have had only a little time to ponder this monstrous problem. However, I think that with a little more time it could become a viable solution and that even in its fetal stage it shall provide you with a bit of food for thought. I have come to the conclusion that the solution to the problem of worldwide hunger is fashion models. Or rather the consumption thereof. The way I view it, by using fashion models as a food product, we could solve many problems all at once. Allow me to elaborate further. Firstly there is the hunger problem. While it is obvious that models could not possibly provide a plausible way to feed the hungry directly, seeing as how they are both emaciated and contain unusually high amounts of silicone which is inedible, it is my thought that the high society people we are trying to keep burden free could unwittingly become part of the solution to this problem. If we were to develop a very clever marketing scheme, perhaps we could sell the models as trendy appetizers. What could be more fashionable than to be able to tell your guests as the appetizers are being brought out at your next dinner party that the same meat they are nibbling daintily off of crackers is the same waif they see scantily clad on the Calvin Klein billboard just across the street? A friend of mine who is in the butchering business has told me that one could sell the meat for perhaps as much as a hundred dollars a pound depending on how popular the model happens to be at the moment. He has also told me that very rare cuts such as a real breast could go for as much as seventy-five dollars an ounce. I would propose that the money made from the sale of this meat could go to help feed the poor rather than Sally Struthers. Not only would this solution help alleviate the starvation problem of the many poor people of the world, it would also help solve the problem of starvation in other areas. By eliminating the emaciated models that many adolescent girls hold as icons, these girls would no longer be tempted into voluntarily starving themselves. I also propose that this action would also bring great happiness to millions around the world. How many parents would rest easier knowing that these sirens of temptation are no longer peddling their so-called junkie-chic to their innocent children? And, of course, I can only imagine the scores of women, myself included, who would be more than overjoyed at the demise of these underfed harpies of fashion. What woman in her right mind can look at a model and not cringe? None that I know of. While many men may be disappointed by this plan, missing their revealing clothing and their unnatural, augmented, liposuctioned, implanted bodies, I think that as a somewhat intelligent society that when we weigh the importance of abundant eye-candy against that of feeding millions of starving people we would find that the latter choice far outweighs the first. I can also justify this course of action by pointing out that, as it is models are doing nothing to contribute to society. They are seemingly good at doing only two things: standing around looking smug and standing around looking stoned. This would be their chance to redeem themselves. They can finally make a positive contribution to society. I would like nothing more than to see the utter annihilation of these malignant moles from the face of humanity. The whole feeding the starving people thing would be okay as well, I suppose, but that is not my main objective in this endeavor. I profess with the sincerity of my heart that I have noting but my own personal happiness to gain from this venture. I do not, however, have anything to gain financially seeing as how my thinnest friend weighs almost a hundred pounds and no one I know is addicted to heroin. Michelles Magnificent Manifesto (Regarding Dating) After much deliberation and mulling-over, I have come to a decision: I will not date. Ever. In my entire life. In the immortal words of one Monica Mielke, Dating is just taking your time to find out that you dont like someone. She is absolutely right. So why do people bother with the masochistic ritual of dating? They do it because they seek vindication and reassurance. Vindication that they are in fact as attractive as they had always suspected. Reassurance that they are as loveable and worthy as their therapist would have them believe. Well I say, screw it. I do not need some testosterone-driven, post-pubescent sex-monger to affirm or vindicate any of this for me. To hell with all of that crap. I will not subjugate myself to this patriarchal sadomasochistic system. I will not ask people on dates, nor will I act in a way such as to solicit offers of dates from others. However, if my existence is swallowed by an anti-probability vortex and I am asked on a date, I will reject whomever it is that has the tenacity to suggest such a vile and distasteful act, be it Matt Damon or that loser kid from Home Alone. Furthermore, if I ever deem it necessary to engage in sexual activities, I will do so only under the condition that there will be no dating either before or after the aforementioned activities. If this means that I am to go through life having cheap, meaningless encounters and strained relations with members of the opposite sex, then so be it. I will not compromise my principles for the lame joy of healthy human relationships. I realize that my adversaries may scoff and say that this magnificent manifesto is a load of rubbish. But let us see how high and mighty they are after their significant other has tossed them by the wayside in favor of a better looking, younger, and more virile replacement! I also realize that a lot of whining, bleeding-heart, liberalist crybabies are going to read this and say things like, I like falling in love. And Love is what makes the world go round, etc. etc., you get the picture. I dont know about the rest of you sane people out there, but when Im looking for that warm fuzzy feeling, I go out and buy myself a nice sweater. I sometimes think that people who fall in love must hit their heads on the way down, because how else can you explain their irrational and incongruous behavior? Please do not misunderstand me, for I do not bear any ill will towards the love stricken fools of the world. I wish them a long-lasting and fruitful life of being dumped and then futilely falling in love again in a never-ending cycle of self-inflicted pain and bittersweet joy. I truly wish them all the happiness that falling in love can bring them (which I gather isnt much.) But in the end, only the serially unattached shall prosper, so sayeth the prophecy! I urge you, people of the world not already infected with this terrible love sickness to join me in eschewing the beastliness of love. Save yourselves while you still can! Be not Aphrodites assistant in evil. Do not allow yourself to become afflicted with this oozing pus-ridden sore called love that has already claimed so many. May you live long and prosper. End of transmission. Sincerely, with contempt and bitter sarcasm, -Future leader of the not-so-free world October 5, 1998 The Story of Hiroshima By Karl Jacobson for Mr. Fortes Honors World History The book Hiroshima is a rather interesting book about many individual struggles when the atomic bomb was dropped upon the illustrious city in Japan of Hiroshima. They were a clerk, a widowed seamstress, a physician, a Methodist minister, a young surgeon and a catholic priest. They were inocently sitting by the wayside, if you will, at 815 hours military time or 8:15 civilian time for those of us who dont know the basics of conversion which is relatively simple to operate only requiring a superficial understanding of math to do it and understand the previously stated idea that I have so succinctly stated. So they were sitting there and a air raid siren goes of. But the air raid goes on and off so it doesnt matter and I am getting off the subject slightly in doing this so youll have to forgive for this lapse in judgement on my part in this manner. So then the bomb was drooped and everything was very heavily damaged by the ensuing gamma radiation the alpha particles werent of to much concern only having a slight penetration effect on the body but doing heavy damage to you since they rob electrons from your cells doing damage. But all them were inside so this protected them from the blast but they still felt the tremendous shockwave emanating from the hypocenter of the blast doing a considerable amount of damage. Inside the fireball the temperature reached 9000 degrees Celsius hotter than the surface of the sun fueled by the reaction of u-235 with neutrons and the resulting fission reaction taken place above the ground of Hiroshima resulting in a gigantic fireball that reached 10,000 of thousand of feet. Thats as tall as an airplane may fly which is quite a lot for the fireball to rise. The cloud formed a mushroom shape because of the reaction of the upper level air currents which spread the cloud out in the shape of a gigantic mushroom but it really isnt that different from a normal cloud. So then the bomb was turned into a collection of energy and anybody near was vapourised by the tremendous release of gamma radiation from the fore-mentioned fission reaction inside the atom bomb that was dropped upon Hiroshima I realize that the teacher doesnt read these so dont know why they did that the bomb and everything. Everyone on the ground that he writes about has several aftereffects of the bomb. The people who were looking up at the time that the bomb went of were blinded by the flash of light and most often there eyes melted because of the radiation and the brilliant light that was shinned upon them if you will by several fission reactions. Or only one if you so desire to say that to people on the street. After the bomb went off a firestorm went through the city like wildfire no pun intended upon whoever may happen to read this report. So the firestorm went through the city and left much devastation in its wake of wakiyness. Several thousand people probably dies in the firestorm that rages in the city of Hiroshima that I have mentione d already in the illustrious report and I shall endevour to do it some more. So this brings this report on Hiroshima the conclusion is here on the next page. Conclusion: The bombing of Hiroshima bring the many moral objections of anti-nuclear people to full life. For instance was it right that we should kill a hundred thousand Japanese so that we could cut the war short and when they might have surrendered peacably with a way to save face. Maybe if wed have given them the oppurtunity to do that they would have and sced ther face. Perhaps we wanted to boost our powerful status with the world by saying we have the bomb and are not afraid to use this weapon. Maybe, and maybe not but well be debating this for a long time to come. I believe we should have only dropped one not two so quickly maybe cut down on the lives lost. Sure Thing By David Ives (b. 1950) Characters: Bill and Betty, both in their late twenties Setting: A caf table, with a couple of chairs (Betty, reading at the table. An empty chair opposite her. Bill enters.) Bill: Excuse me. Is this chair taken? Betty: Excuse me? Bill: Is this taken? Betty: Yes it is. Bill: Oh. Sorry. Betty: Sure thing. (A bell rings softly.) Bill: Excuse me. Is this chair taken? Betty: Excuse me? Bill: Is this taken? Betty: No, but Im expecting somebody in a minute. Bill: Oh. Thanks anyway. Betty: Sure thing. (A bell rings softly.) Bill: Excuse me. Is this chair taken? Betty: No, but Im expecting somebody very shortly. Bill: Would you mind if I sit here till he or she or it comes? Betty (glances at her watch): They seem to be pretty late. Bill: You never know who you might be turning down. Betty: Sorry. Nice try, though. Bill: Sure thing. (Bell.) Is this seat taken? Betty: No its not. Bill: Would you mind if I sit here? Betty: Yes I would. Bill: Oh. (Bell.) Is this chair taken? Betty: No its no. Bill: Would you mind if I sit here? Betty: No. Go ahead. Bill: Thanks. (He sits. She continues reading.) Everyplace else seems to be taken. Betty: Mm-hm. Bill: Great place. Betty: Mm-hm. Bill: Whats the book? Betty: I just wanted to read in quiet, if you dont mind. Bill: No. Sure thing. (Bell.) Bill: Everyplace else seems to be taken. Betty: Mm-hm. Bill: Great place for reading. Betty: Yes, I like it. Bill: Whats the book? Betty: The Sound and the Fury. Bill: Oh. Hemingway. (Bell.) Whats the book? Betty: The Sound and the Fury. Bill: Oh. Faulkner. Betty: Have you read it? Bill: Notactually. Ive sure read aboutit, though. Its supposed to be great. Betty: It is great. Bill: I hear its great. (Small pause.) Waiter? (Bell.) Whats the book? Betty: The Sound and the Fury. Bill: Oh, Faulkner. Betty: Have you read it? Bill: Im a Mets fan, myself. (Bell.) Betty: Have you read it? Bill: Yeah, I read it in college. Betty: Where was college? Bill: I went to Oral Roberts University. (Bell.) Betty: Where was college? Bill: I was lying. I never really went to college. I just like to party. (Bell.) Betty: Where was college? Bill: Harvard. Betty: Do you like Faulkner? Bill: I love Faulkner. I spent a whole winter reading him once. Betty: Ive just started. Bill: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote. One of the greatest reading experiences of my life. I mean, all that incredible psychological understanding. Page after page of gorgeous prose. His profound grasp of the mystery of time and human existence. The smells of the earthWhat do you think? Betty: I thing its pretty boring. (Bell.) Bill: Whats the book? Betty: The Sound and the Fury. Bill: Oh! Faulkner! Betty: Do you like Faulkner? Bill: I love Faulkner. Betty: Hes incredible. Bill: I spent a whole winter reading him once. Betty: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote. Bill: All that incredible psychological understanding. Betty: And the prose is so gorgeous. Bill: And the way hes grasped the mystery of time Betty: and human existence. I cant believe Ive waited this long to read him. Bill: You never know. You might not have liked him before. Betty: Thats true. Bill: You might not have been ready for him. You have to hit these things at the right moment or its no good. Betty: Thats happening to me. Bill: Its all in the timing. (Small pause.) My names Bill, by the way. Betty: Im Betty. Bill: Hi. Betty: Hi. (Small pause.) Bill: Yes I though reading Faulkner wasa great experience. Betty: Yes. (Small pause.) Bill: The Sound and the Fury (Another small pause.) Betty: Well. Onwards and upwards. (She goes back to her book.) Bill: Waiter ? (Bell.) You have to hit these things at the right moment or its no good. Betty: Thats happened to me. Bill: Its all in the timing. My names Bill, by the way. Betty: Im Betty. Bill: Hi. Betty: Hi. Bill: Do you come in here a lot? Betty: Actually Im just in town for two days from Pakistan. Bill: Oh. Pakistan. (Bell.) My names Bill, by the way. Betty: Im Betty. Bill: Hi. Betty: Hi. Bill: Do you come here a lot? Betty: Every once in a while. Do you? Bill: Not much anymore. Not as much as I used to. Before my nervous breakdown. (Bell.) Do you come in here a lot? Betty: Why are you asking? Bill: Just interested. Betty: Are you really interested, or do you just want to pick me up? Bill: No, Im really interested. Betty: Why would you be interested in whether I come in here a lot? Bill: Justgetting acquainted. Betty: Maybe youre only interested for the sake of making small talk long enough to ask me back to your place to listen to some music, or because youve just rented some great tape for your VCR, or because youve got some terrific unknown Django Reinhard record, only all youll really want to do is fuck which you wont do very well after which youll go into the bathroom and pee very loudly, then pad into the kitchen and get yourself a beer from the refrigerator without asking me whether Id like anything, and then youll proceed to lie back down beside me and confess that youve got a girlfriend named Stephanie whos away at medical school in Belgium for a year, and that youve been involved with her off and on in what youll call a very intricate relationship, for about seven YEARS. None of which interests me, mister! Bill: Okay. (Bell.) Do you come in here a lot? Betty: Every other day, I think. Bill: I come in here quite a lot and I dont remember seeing you. Betty: I guess we must be on different schedules. Bill: Missed connections. Betty: Yes. Different time zones. Bill: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it. Betty: I know. Bill: City life. Betty: Its crazy. Bill: We probably pass each other in the street every day. Right in front of this place, probably. Betty: Yep. Bill (looks around): Well, the waiters here sure seem to be in some different time zone. I cant seem to locate one anywhereWaiter! (He looks back.) So what do you (He sees that shes gone back to her book.) Betty: I beg pardon? Bill: Nothing. Sorry. (Bell.) Betty: I guess we must be on different schedules. Bill: Missed connections. Betty: Yes. Different time zones. Bill: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it. Betty: I know. Bill: City life. Betty: Its crazy. Bill: You werent waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? Betty: Actually, I was. Bill: Oh. Boyfriend? Betty: Sort of. Bill: Whats a sort-of boyfriend? Betty: My husband. Bill: Ah-ha. (Bell.) You werent waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? Betty: Actually I was. Bill: Oh. Boyfriend? Betty: Sort of. Bill: Whats a sort-of boyfriend? Betty: We were meeting here to break up. Bill: Mm-hm (Bell.) Whats a sort-of boyfriend? Betty: My lover. Here she comes right now! (Bell.) Bill: You werent waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? Betty: No, just reading. Bill: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isnt it? Reading here, all by yourself? Betty: Do you think so? Bill: Well sure. I mean, whats a good-looking woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night? Betty: Trying to keep away from lines like that. Bill: No, listen (Bell.) You werent waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? Betty: No, just reading. Bill: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isnt it? Reading here all by yourself? Betty: I guess it is, in a way. Bill: Whats a good-looking woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night anyway? No offense, but Betty: Im out alone on a Friday night for the first time in a very long time. Bill: Oh. Betty: You see, I just recently ended a relationship. Bill: Oh. Betty: Of rather long standing. Bill: Im sorry. (Small pause.) Well listen, since reading by yourself is such a sad occupation for a Friday night, would you like to go elsewhere? Betty: No Bill: Do something else? Betty: No thanks. Bill: I was headed out to the movies in a while anyway. Betty: I dont think so. Bill: Big chance to let Faulkner catch his breath. All those long sentences get him pretty tired. Betty: Thanks anyway. Bill: Okay. Betty: I appreciate the invitation. Bill: Sure thing. (Bell.) You werent waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? Betty: No, just reading. Bill: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isnt it? Reading here all by yourself? Betty: I guess I was trying to think of it as existentially romantic. You know cappuccino, great literature, rainy night Bill: That only works in Paris. We could hop the late place to Paris. Get on a Concorde. Find a caf Betty: Im a little short on plane fare tonight. Bill: Darn it, so am I. Betty: To tell you the truth, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section. Would you like to come along? Since you cant locate a waiter? Bill: Thats a very nice offer, but Betty: Uh-huh. Girlfriend? Bill: Two, actually. One of thems pregnant, and Stephanie (Bell.) Betty: Girlfriend? Bill: No, I dont have a girlfriend. Not if you mean the castrating bitch I dumped last night. (Bell.) Betty: Girlfriend? Bill: Sort of. Sort of. Betty: Whats a sort-of girlfriend? Bill: My mother. (Bell.) I just ended a relationship, actually. Betty: Oh. Bill: Of rather long standing. Betty: Im sorry to hear it. Bill: This is my first night out alone in a long time. I feel a little bit at sea, to tell you the truth. Betty: So you didnt stop to talk because youre a Moonie, or you have some weird political affiliation ? Bill: Nope. Straight-down-the-ticket Republican. (Bell.) Straight-down-the-ticket Democrat. (Bell.) Can I tell you something about politics? (Bell.) I like to think of myself as a citizen of the universe (Bell.) Im unaffiliated. Betty: Thats a relief. So am I. Bill: I vote my beliefs. Betty: Labels are not important. Bill: Labels are not important, exactly. Like me, for example. I mean, what does it matter if I had a two-point at (bell) three-point at (bell) four-point at college, or if I did come from Pittsburgh (bell) Cleveland (bell) Westchester County? Betty: Sure. Bill: I believe that a man is what he is. (Bell.) A person is what he is. (Bell.) A person iswhat they are. Betty: I think so too. Bill: So what if I admire Trotsky? (Bell.) So what if I once had a total-body liposuction? (Bell.) So what if I dont have a penis? (Bell.) So what if I once spent a year in the Peace Corps? I was acting on my convictions. Betty: Sure. Bill: You cant just hang a sign on a person. Betty: Absolutely. Ill bet youre a Scorpio. (Many bells ring.) Listen, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section. Would you like to come along? Bill: That sounds like fun. Whats playing? Betty: A couple of the really early Woody Allen movies. Bill: Oh. Betty: Dont you like Woody Allen? Bill: Sure. I like Woody Allen. Betty: But youre not crazy about Woody Allen. Bill: Those early ones kind of get on my nerves. Betty: Uh-huh. (Bell.) Bill: Yknow I was headed to the Betty (simultaneously): I was thinking about Bill: Im sorry. Betty: No, go ahead. Bill: I was going to say that I was headed to the movies in a little while, and Betty: So was I. Bill: The Woody Allen festival? Betty: Just up the street. Bill: Do you like the early ones? Betty: I think anybody who doesnt out to be run off the planet. Bill: How many times have you seen Bananas? Betty: Eight times. Bill: Twelve. So are you still interested? (Long pause.) Betty: Do you like Entenmanns crumb cake? Bill: Last night I went out a two in the morning to get one. (Small pause.) Did you have an Etch-a-Sketch as a child? Betty: Yes! An do you like Brussels sprouts? (Small pause.) Bill: I think theyre gross. Betty: They are gross! Bill: Do you still believe in marriage in spite of current sentiments against it? Betty: Yes. Bill: And children? Betty: Three of them. Bill: Two girls and a boy. Betty: Harvard, Vassar, and Brown. Bill: And will you love me? Betty: Yes. Bill: And cherish me forever? Betty: Yes. Bill: Do you still want to go to the movies? Betty: Sure thing. Bill and Betty (together): Waiter! (Blackout.) BRIT. LIT. READINGS Prologue of The Canterbury Tales By Geoffrey Chaucer Whan that aprill with his shoures soote The droghte of march hath perced to the roote, And bathed every veyne in swich licour Of which vertu engendred is the flour; Whan zephirus eek with his sweete breeth Inspired hath in every holt and heeth Tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne Hath in the ram his halve cours yronne, And smale foweles maken melodye, That slepen al the nyght with open ye (so priketh hem nature in hir corages); Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages, And palmeres for to seken straunge strondes, To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes; And specially from every shires ende Of engelond to caunterbury they wende, The hooly blisful martir for to seke, That hem hath holpen whan that they were seeke. Bifil that in that seson on a day, In southwerk at the tabard as I lay Redy to wenden on my pilgrymage To caunterbury with ful devout corage, At nyght was come into that hostelrye Wel nyne and twenty in a compaignye, Of sondry folk, by aventure yfalle In felaweshipe, and pilgrimes were they alle, That toward caunterbury wolden ryde. The chambres and the stables weren wyde, And wel we weren esed atte beste. And shortly, whan the sonne was to reste, So hadde I spoken with hem everichon That I was of hir felaweshipe anon, And made forward erly for to ryse, To take oure wey ther as I yow devyse. But nathelees, whil I have tyme and space, Er that I ferther in this tale pace, Me thynketh it acordaunt to resoun To telle yow al the condicioun Of ech of hem, so as it semed me, And whiche they weren, and of what degree, And eek in what array that they were inne; And at a knyght than wol I first bigynne. A Modest Proposal For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being A Burden to Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public By Jonathan Swift It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbados. I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation. But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand our charity in the streets. As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment; at most not above the value of 2 s., which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many thousands. There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast. The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art. I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times that value. I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection. I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout. I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter. I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28 pounds. I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children. Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of papists among us. I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have eight shillings net profit, and be fit for work till she produces another child. Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen. As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs. A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their parents, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public, because they soon would become breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however so well intended. But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put into his head by the famous Psalmanazar, a native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London above twenty years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that in his country when any young person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality as a prime dainty; and that in his time the body of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison the emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister of state, and other great mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use were made of several plump young girls in this town, who without one single groat to their fortunes cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at playhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse. Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the young laborers, they are now in as hopeful a condition; they cannot get work, and consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labor, they have not strength to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come. I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance. For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of papists, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation as well as our most dangerous enemies; and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many good Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country than stay at home and pay tithes against their conscience to an Episcopal curate. Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own, which by law may be made liable to distress and help to pay their landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and money a thing unknown. Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from two years old and upward, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a-piece per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased fifty thousand pounds per annum, beside the profit of a new dish introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom who have any refinement in taste. And the money will circulate among ourselves, the goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture. Fourthly, The constant breeders, beside the gain of eight shillings sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year. Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns; where the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating: and a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please. Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged by rewards or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness of mothers toward their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in some sort by the public, to their annual profit instead of expense. We should see an honest emulation among the married women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the market. Men would become as fond of their wives during the time of their pregnancy as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage. Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barreled beef, the propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well-grown, fat, yearling child, which roasted whole will make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's feast or any other public entertainment. But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity. After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, as things now stand, how they will be able to find food and raiment for an hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly, there being a round million of creatures in human figure throughout this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock would leave them in debt two millions of pounds sterling, adding those who are beggars by profession to the bulk of farmers, cottagers, and laborers, with their wives and children who are beggars in effect: I desire those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold as to attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of these mortals, whether they would not at this day think it a great happiness to have been sold for food, at a year old in the manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes as they have since gone through by the oppression of landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the want of common sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect of entailing the like or greater miseries upon their breed for ever. I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing. The End Meditation 17 (1623-1624) From Devotions upon Emergent Occasions By John Donne Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morieris. Now this bell tolling softly for another, says to me, Thou must die. Perchance he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill as that he knows not it tolls for him; and perchance I may think myself so much better than I am, as that they who are about me and see my state may have caused it to toll for me, and I know not that. The church is catholic, universal, so are all her actions; all that she does belongs to all. When she baptizes a child, that action concerns me; for that child is thereby connected to that head which is my head too, and ingrafted into the body whereof I am a member. And when she buries a man, that action concerns me: all mankind is of one author and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated. God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another. As therefore the bell that rings a sermon calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come, so this bell calls us all; but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness. There was a contention as far as a suit (in which piety and dignity, religion and estimation, were mingled) which of the religious orders should ring to prayers first in the morning; and it was determined that they should ring first that rose earliest. If we understand aright the dignity of this bell that tolls for our evening prayer, we would be glad to make it ours by rising early, in that application, that it might be ours as well as his whose indeed it is. The bell doth toll for him that thinks it doth; and though it intermit again, yet from that minute that that occasion wrought upon him, he is united to God. Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises? but who takes off his eye from a comet when that breaks out? Who bends not his ear to any bell which upon any occasion rings? but who can remove it from that bell which is passing a piece of himself out of this world? No man is an island. entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. Neither can we call this a begging of misery or a borrowing of misery, as though we are not miserable enough of ourselves but must fetch in more from the next house, in taking upon us the misery of our neighbors. Truly it were an excusable covetousness if we did; for affliction is a treasure, and scarce any man hath enough of it. No man hath affliction enough that is not matured and ripened by it, and made fit for God by that affliction. If a man carry treasure in bullion, or in a wedge of gold, and have none coined into current moneys, his treasure will not defray him as he travels. Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it, but it is not current money in the use of it, except we get nearer and nearer our home, heaven, by it. Another man may be sick too, and sick to death, and this affliction may lie in his bowels as gold in a mine and be of no use to him; but this bell that tells me of his affliction digs out and applies that gold to me, if by this consideration of another's dangers I take mine own into contemplation and so secure myself by making my recourse to my God, who is our only security. 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