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There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of panty hose. - James Finke, President, Commodore International Ltd. (1982)

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. - Dick Brandon

A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1

A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.

A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.

A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

A computer's attention span is only as long as its extension cord.

A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.

A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. - Laura Creighton

A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth

A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant.

A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.

A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. - Johnson

A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?

A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?

A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.

AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.

ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.

Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - Brook

Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it.

After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.

All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.

All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

All you need to know is the user interface. - J. Redford

An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - D. E. Knuth

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.

Another megabytes the dust.

Any given program will expand to fill available memory.

Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Kulawiec

Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert

As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.

Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.

Avoid temporary variables and strange women.

Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).

Avoid unnecessary branches.

BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour Papert

halted... cereal port not responding!

Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?

Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?

Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.

Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program.

Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer

Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein

Brain fried; core dumped.

Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.

Breakthrough: It nearly booted on the first try.

C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.

C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!

CCCP:> format CCCP: /u

CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..

Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!

Choose variable names that will not be confused.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Computer Science: Solving today's problems tomorrow.

Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS

Computer programmers do it byte by byte.

Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.

Computers are only human.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso

Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.

Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. - Thomas

Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.

Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan

Customer: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain.

DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.

Debugger: A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought.

Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget.

Design: The activity of preparing for a design review.

Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.

Disc space, the final frontier!

Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Do you like me for my brain or my baud?

Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?"

Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.

Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.

Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.

Don't document the program; program the document.

Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.

Don't let the computer bugs bite!

Don't stop at one bug.

Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.

EBCDIC: Erase, Back up, Chew Disk, Ignite Card

E Pluribus UNIX.

Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.

Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen

Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.

Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...

Every bug you find is the last one.

Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.

Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.

Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.

Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!

Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation.

Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. - Kulawiec

Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.

Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India.

Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.

Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.

From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*

Futuristic: It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.

Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.

Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.

Hackers have kernel knowledge.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!

Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...

Honey, I Formatted the Kid!

Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N)

How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...

How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.

I am the computer your mother warned you about.

I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - - Isaac Asimov

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

I just found the last bug.

I modem, but they grew back.

I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.

I smell a wumpus.

I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. - Turing

I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!

I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.

I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes.

If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan

If a program is useful, it must be changed.

If a program is useless, it must be documented.

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.

If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer

If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.

Implementation is the sincerest form of flattery.

In /dev/null no one can hear you scream

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid

In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - Alan Perlis

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.

It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?

It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!

It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. - Wilkes, 1949

It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your child processes are?

It's here at last: We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.

It's redundant! It's redundant! - R. E. Dundant

Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.

Kiss your keyboard goodbye!

Know Thy User.

LISP: To call a spade a thpade.

Last one out, turn off the computer!

Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style

Life would be much easier if I had the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.

Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge.

Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...

Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.

MC Hammer, n. Device used to ensure firm seating of MicroChannel boards

MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.

Machine independent code isn't.

Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.

Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix.

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

Make input easy to proofread.

Make it right before you make it faster.

Make sure all variables are initialized before use.

Make sure comments and code agree.

"Make sure your code ""does nothing"" gracefully."

Managing programmers is like herding cats.

Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...

Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.

May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.

Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton

Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson.

Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.

Meets quality standards: It compiles without errors.

Memory dump: Amnesia...

Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...

Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...

Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...

My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel.

My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.

My computer NEVER cras

My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI.

My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.

My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.

Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.

Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach

Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor

Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - Jackson

Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\

Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.

Never write software that patronizes the user.

New: It comes in different colors from the previous version.

Nice computers don't go down.

No extensible language will be universal. - T. Cheatham

No line available at 300 baud.

No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.

No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.

Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.

Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...

Objects are closer than they appear.

Old mail has arrived.

Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.

On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Computerworld Button

On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning

On a clear disk you can seek forever...

One if by LAN, two if by C. - Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski

One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis

One person's error is another person's data.

One picture is worth 128K words.

Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.

People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley

Performance is easier to add than clarity.

Performance proven: It works through beta test.

Portable: Survives system reboot.

Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.

Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor.

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer.

Programmers do it bit by bit.

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

Programming is an unnatural act.

Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.

Programs: What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it.

Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat.

Quality assurance: A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally.

RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!

REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe......

REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?

Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.

Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE

Real programs don't eat cache.

Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?

Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.

Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.

Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)

Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.

Revolutionary: The disk drives go round and round.

SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson

SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson

found... Out Of Memory.

Satisfaction Guaranteed: We'll send you another copy if it fails.

Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Software engineer: One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her.

Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. - Ted Nelson

Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential.

Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw

Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.

Spellchecker not found. Press -- to continue ...

Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!

Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...

Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...

Stack manipulation: The use of inflatable falsies. - -Datamazing, 4/1/78

State-of-the-art: What we could do with enough money.

State-of-the-practice: What we can do with the money you have.

Steinbach's Rule: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle

Stock item: We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.

Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.

Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. - Ken Batcher

Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing.

Swap read error. You lose your mind.

System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.

System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.

Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - R. S. Barton

Terminal glare: A look that kills...

That does not compute.

The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.

The best packed information most resembles random noise.

The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2l.

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

The computer is the Proteus of machines. - Seymour Papert

The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - Alan Perlis

The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The less time planning, the more time programming.

The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.

The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.

The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. - June, 1972

The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.

The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. - Weinberg, p.152

The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Hamming

The steady state of disks is full. - Ken Thompson

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

The whole is the sum of its parts, plus one or more bugs

The wise person writes bomb-proof code.

The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!

The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.

The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.

There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.

There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.

There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated.

There must be more to life than compile-and-go.

This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene.

This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.

This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88.

This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.

This screen intentionally left blank.

This system will self-destruct in five minutes.

This time it will surely run.

Those who can't write, write help files.

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!

Thrashing is just virtual crashing.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.

To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller

To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.

Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator

Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...

Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.

UNIX is a computer virus with a user interface.

UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody.

USER ERROR: Replace user and press any key to continue.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.

Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.

Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.

Use free-form input where possible.

User: A harmless drudge.

Variables won't; constants aren't. - Osborn

Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?

Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!

WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...

WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...

Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?

Watch out for off-by-one errors.

What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.

What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.

When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes.

When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read the manual.

When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.

Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

Years of development: We finally got one to work.

You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.

You can't make a program without broken egos.

You depend too much on computers for information.

You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.

You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you will need that version.

You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.

You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!

You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.

You have junk mail.

You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.

You might have mail.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.

Your fault, core dumped.

Your password is pitifully obvious.

ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII...

[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]

[Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. - Peter Norton

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

fortune: No such file or directory

grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat)

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. - Nathaniel Borenstein

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - Jeremy S. Anderson

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. - Edgar W. Dijkstra

The only ""intuitive"" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.

Never trust a program unless you have the source.

How should I know if it works? That's what Beta testers are for, I only coded it.

If it aint broke, don't fix it!

Our programs never have bugs, they just develop random features.

ID10T ERROR!

No decorations necessary.

Dulce bellum inexpertis.

JUST ROOTIN' AROUND.

Common sense isn't.

C'est la vie.

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

((wrong && wrong) != right)

Quoth the Raven, "Eat My Shorts."

"Said the fly, "Let us flee." Said the flea "Let us fly."

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

I just steal 'em, I don't explain 'em.

Just My Opinion (But I'm Right!)

Wanna giggle? Try (EDITOR=EDLIN !) in anything.

Backup not found: (P) Panic (Any Other Key) Panic.

Youth + confidence + myopia = naivete.

Press -- to continue ...

Buy a 486-33 you can reboot faster..

An appeaser feeds a crocodile, hoping to be eaten last.

Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Irony: Giving father a billfold for Christmas.

Every politician has a price, some hold bargain sales.

The world is a beautiful book, for those who can read it.

A person in a passion rides a mad horse.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Celery raw develops a jaw. But stewed, is quietly chewed

Where there is a stink feces there is the odor of being.

A yawn is a silent shout.

"A newspaper is a collection of half-injustices"

If this is a battle, then you have already lost.

"Every why hath a wherefore."

An optimist is a guy without much experience...

Life is not a spectacle or a feast, it is a predicament.

A person is a lion in his own cause.

Today has been a long year!!!!!!!!!!

Any certainty is a delusion.

"Beulah, peel me a grape."

I sighed as a lover, I obeyed as a child.

Every crowd has a silver lining.

Old MacDonald had a computer with EIA I/O.

Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer.

Strange but not a stranger...

He bellows like a cow standing on her tit.

Good luck is a lazy man's estimate of a worker's success.

Fiddle: Friction of a horse's tail on a cat's entrails.

In this world a man must either be anvil or hammer.

When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.

Better to marry a man who loves you than one you love.

Some men without a god are like fish without bicycles.

A person without a navel lives within all of us.

The trouble with a kitten is that, eventually it's a cat.

To avoid seeing a fool, break your mirror.

"Woman must be a genius to create a good husband." Balzac

The wife of a careless man is almost a widow.

The mouse with a single hole is quickly caught by the cat

I am not a dictator. It's just I have a grumpy face.

Misfortunes always enter a door left open for them.

"Too much of a good thing is wonderful."

Self-made man: A horrible example of unskilled labor.

not found: A)dd more, R)eheat F)reak out.

The more known about people, the more to admire in dogs.

The worst thing about censorship is .

I never rise above the noise and confusion...

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.

The best defense against logic is stupidity.

The arrogance of age must submit to be taught by youth.

Time goes? No. Alas time stays, we go.

When everyone thinks alike, then everyone is stupid.

When all think alike, then no one is thinking.

As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.

Manuals out, after all possible keystrokes have failed.

"May you live all the days of your life." Swift

Waiting to overcome all objections, results in nothing.

Overestimation: Thinking that all your geese are swans.

Be suspicious of all native-born Esperanto speakers.

No answer is also an answer.

Round numbers are always false.

Friendships are not always preserved in alcohol.

Our future is always uncertain our end is always too near

A farmer is always going to be rich next year.

God heals, but always someone else wants a fee.

One who is always in a stew generally goes to pot.

The wrong way always seems the more reasonable.

Bureaucracy: That place always in need of a laxative.

Sysoping, not just an adventure, sometimes it's emesis.

A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

I am not an animal! I am ... well, not an animal.

If this were an actual tagline, it might be funny.

If this were an actual tagline, it _might_ be funny.

O Oysters come and walk with us, the Walrus did beseech.

Surly to bed, and surly to rise.

Take two crows and caw me in the morning

"Help! I've fallen and can't get up." A. Tree

Beware! I'm armed and have suffered from PMS all my life.

Wisdom of many and the wit of a half.

Man loves little and often, woman much and rarely.

Some nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men

Take egotism out, and you castrate the benefactors.

Words, words, words. And no place to put them all!

There are no answers at best a few possibly good guesses.

When you find anything that works, it usually fails.

Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.

Pedestrian: The most approachable chap in the world.

Shhhhhh.....the topic cops are coming

Words and ideas are what change our world.

Actions from sanity are not necessarily from feeling.

Silly rabbit, tricks are for hookers!

"All humans things are subject to decay."

The only realities are the atoms and empty space.

Silly Wabbit, QWKs are for kids.

"But once you are real, you can't become unreal again."

"Men, in general, are but great great children" Napoleon

Noble deeds that are concealed are most esteemed.

I am not arguing with you, I'm telling you.

Window-screen: An arrangement for keeping flies in.

*FLASH* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Architecture is the art of how to waste space.

A nose in artificial manure is not studying nature.

Actions are neither as good nor as evil as impulses.

"With our judgements as our watches, none go just alike."

No one does as much harm as one going about doing good.

I'm as innocent as a new-laid egg.

Sharper than an asp's tooth to have a thankless child.

All reality is aspect dependent.

Today, take an astronaut to launch.

The best blood at times gets into fools and mosquitoes.

Hasten to laugh at everything lest you be obliged to weep

Childish Game: One at which your spouse beats you.

Please don't yell at me. I'm new at this.

"We must laugh at man, to avoid crying for him" Napoleon

Sandwich: An faulty attempt to make both ends meat.

That's a smug aura of respectability you see in a mirror?

Genealogy: tracing us back to the same brother and sister

Memoirs are the backstairs of history.

Since GOD spelled backwards is DOG, is my poodle Satan?

Modesty is good bait when fishing for praise.

You tell 'em, Bald Head, You're smooth.

You tell 'em Banana, You've been skinned.

You tell 'em Bank, You're safe.

Look out for barking dogs that bite.

A good dog barks when told.

This door is baroque; please call Bach later.

I may not be perfect, but I am all I got!

Most allies must be watched just like the enemy.

Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Things could only be worse in Cleveland.

Every child should be given the desire to learn.

You tell 'em Bean, He's stringing you.

A thing of beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Save trees, eat beavers.

No person ever became wicked all at once.

History repeats itself because nobody listens

Envy is thin because it bites but never eats.

Misery brings strange bedfellows.

They who drink beer will think beer.

Where do honey bees go potty? At a BP station naturally.

The woman cries before the wedding; the man afterward.

Honesty: Fear of being caught.

It's hard to believe it, but some teens are humans.

A liar isn't believed even when he speaks the truth.

Beware of true believers you may be duped by a false god.

Some thoughts are best guillotined before actions result.

Sex isn't the best nor the worst thing in the world.

We're off doing beta, the wonderful beta of oooz

Old age is better than the alternative.

Is wetter REALLY better?

Monologue: A conversation between realtor and prospect.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If you can't bite, don't show your teeth.

ZMODEM has bigger bits, softer blocks, and tighter ASCII.

When no wind blows, even the weather vane has character.

We are in bondage to the law so that we may be free.

If it ain't borken, don't fix it.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Fat heads, lean brains.

You tell 'em Brake, You've got the drag.

Please! Do not break character!

The only heavy breathing I ever hear is after aerobics.

Engraving is, in brief terms, the art of scratch.

Politics: Passing the buck or passing the doe.

An actor without buck teeth can play the Easter Bunny.

That's not a bug, that's a feature.

We ask advice but we mean approbation.

Love thy neighbor, but keep the hedge in tact.

I'm incredibly jealous, but still glad for you.

I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid you're just a mirage.

Time is precious, but truth is more so.

Marriage, a romance but the hero dies in the 1st chapter.

OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to become eccentric.

You tell 'em Butcher, You've got a lot of tongue.

Hm..what's this red button fo������NO CARRIER

Bad officials: elected by good citizens who fail to vote.

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The mind grows by what it feeds upon.

Birds are trapped by their feet, people by their tongues.

This tagline stolen by Silly Little Mail Reader!

You tell 'em cabbage, You've got the head.

You tell 'em calendar, You've got lots of dates.

It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it.

Only the stupidest calves chose their own butcher.

Even the blind can see money.

Of course I can cook, but I never do it on the first date

A thick head can do as much damage as a hard heart.

A red nose can be the result of sunshine or moonshine.

Few of us can stand prosperity -- someone else's.

Genius: One who can do anything except earn a living.

By trying we can learn to endure another's adversity.

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit.

Without fingers you cannot even thumb your nose.

"Oh captain! my captain! our fearful trip is done." WW

Collector: Person few care to see but ask to call again.

If you don't care where you are, then you can't get lost.

Judge not a carpenter on how fast chips fly.

A jug is carried under your coat for a dishonest reason.

You tell 'em Cashier, I'm a poor teller.

To the old cat, the tender mouse.

You tell 'em Cat, That's what you're fur.

Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.

If one cannot catch a bird of paradise, grab a wet hen.

The highest bidder catches the most politicians.

You tell 'em Cemetery, You are so grave.

Adventure is the champagne of life.

Getting a second chance is never a certainty.

Everything changes except change itself.

When in doubt; Cheat !

"Man's the bad child of the universe." Oppenheim

HELP! Protect America's children, soil, and water today.

You tell 'em Chloroform, You can put them to sleep.

Jury: A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.

You tell 'em Church Bell, I told you.

You tell 'em Cigarette, You're lit up.

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

To be too clever is to be stupid.

Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.

You tell 'em Clock, You've got the time.

Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!

It was so cold, I almost got married.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

When the bad combine, the good must associate.

The World: A comedy for thinkers; a tragedy for feelers.

The world is coming to an end!

Don't steal.....Politicians hate competition.

Born crying, live complaining, die disappointed.

Whatever is well conceived can be well expressed.

Reality: Only a concept and the home of the brave.

Only hey can conquer who believe they can.

Nothing is ever constant, unless it is dead.

We have resumed control...we have resumed control...

It's a poor cook who cannot lick his own fingers.

A sleeping fox counts hens in his dreams.

Pants: Trousers' country cousins.

Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.

Society prepares the crime; the criminal commits it.

Straight trees have crooked roots.

A good rooster crows in any hen house.

What youth deemed crystal, age finds was dew.

You tell 'em Cucumber, I've been pickled.

No medicine can cure a vulgar person.

It's easier to curse the candle than light the darkness.

You tell 'em Custard Pie, You've got the crust.

Other times, other customs.

Cynicism is intellectual dandyism.

Clever father, clever daughter; clever mother, clever son

Today is a day for making firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?

Each day a day goes by.

I've had BETA days ... and nights!!!

Happy couple: A deaf husband and a blind wife.

Skeptics are seldom deceived.

Let no good deed go unpunished.

There is no defense except stupidity against a new idea.

Fishing is a delusion surrounded by liars in old clothes.

Living: The best demonstration of victory over mortality.

You tell 'em Dentist, You've got the pull.

You tell 'em Dictionary, You're full of information.

"Old soldiers never die, they just fade away.."

Old musicians never die, they just decompose.

Not everything more difficult is more meritorious.

A gentleman can disagree without being disagreeable.

America was not discovered by Americans, shame on them.

Talking is another disease of age.

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

I had a dislocated funny bone, but it's better now

Detour: The roughest distance between two points.

Those without heads do not need hats.

How many times do you need to be tolled anyway?

It's 11:56 pm. Do you know where your modem is?

Those who can, Do. Those who can't, Criticize.

You tell 'em Doctor, You've got the patience.

Raising your voice does not reinforce your argument.

Dachshund: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long.

Even a noseless dog can stink.

An inch of dog is better than a mile of pedigree.

You tell 'em Dough, You're well bred.

When we can't dream the time for death has arrived.

America is a dream to most of the world.

Camels have wet dreams too.

Only in your dreams are you really free.

Time is the dressmaker specializing in alterations.

What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals.

Users: Keep them dry and don't feed them after midnight.

And God said: E = �mv� - Ze�/r ...and there *WAS* light!

"Earth was not earth before her sons appeared."

Character is much easier kept than recovered.

If you don't eat garlic, they'll never smell it on you.

Cats, proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad.

Dan Quayle: the EDLIN of Vice-Presidents.

Scrute the inscrutable; eff the ineffable.

Every hard-boiled egg is yellow inside.

Apology is only egotism wrong side out.

You tell 'em Electricity, You can shock 'em.

Silence is more eloquent at times than words.

Outside noisy, inside empty.

Madre que consiente engorda una serpiente.

This fellow's wise enough to play the fool.

Adult: One old enough to know better.

Excess is never enough.

You tell 'em Envelope, You're well posted.

The cautious seldom err.

The child had every toy his father wanted.

Communication.. without it, everyone's a mushroom.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I can resist everything/anything except temptation.

PCs are OK except when you use them as bowling balls.

Stupidity is no excuse for not thinking.

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

Poker Face: The face that launched a thousand chips.

If you don't fall down, you're not trying!

The ripest fruit falls first..

"Modesty died when false modesty was born." Mark Twain

A great many family trees were started by grafting.

The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.

Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.

Bachelor: Plays the field until the field comes in.

His face was filled with broken commandments.

Don't knock President Fillmore; he kept us out of VietNam

Notice: All incoming fire has the right of way.

To live now, first come to terms with your past.

God made the first garden, Cain the first city.

Ivo Andric - Yugoslavia's First Nobel Laureate.

Learning makes people fit company for themselves.

Where are those flashbacks they promised me?

"Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo"

"Oh could I fly, I'd fly with thee ..."

Seek not to follow footsteps but what they sought.

Words are not food, though sometimes we must eat them.

Meetings are indispensable for not doing anything.

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Nickel: Once good for getting the wrong number with.

Solution Series: Works for Windows, Publisher and Money

A fool searches for a greater fool to find admiration.

Are you waiting for your prey?

What are friends for? - R.M. Nixon

Wait! That's the FORBIDDEN dance!

You aren't here forever, Enjoy each day as a miracle.

Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.

Swell-head: Nature's frantic effort to fill a vacuum.

"A book, a friend, a song, a glass, a chaste loving lass"

A pest: A friend in need.

Young gorillas are friendly, but they soon learn.

Mischief all comes from too much opening of the mouth.

Genealogy. Tracing descent from someone who didn't.

Cats are like furry dilettanti, or the reverse?

You tell 'em Gambler, You've got winning ways.

Security is a game but the final goal is never reached.

The thing most generally raised on land is taxes.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year.

Criminal: One who gets caught.

Even a philosopher gets upset with a toothache.

Monotheism is a gift from the gods!

Angling: The name given to fishing by non-fishermen.

Remember................. Wherever you go, there you are.

Mosquito: Designed by God to make flies seem better.

Those whom the gods love grow young.

"I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul."

Against stupidity, the Gods themselves, contend in vain !

A pitcher that goes to a well too often is broken first.

As I was going up the stair, I met a man who wasn't there

You tell 'em Goldfish, You've been around the globe.

Obesity: A surplus gone to waist.

This is a good day to let down old friends who need help.

Women take to good hearted men. Also from.

Hero-worship: Idol gossip.

No person should govern another without their permission.

Misteaching: Telling one's grandmother how to suck eggs.

Dancing with a grass widow brings on hay fever.

Always do right: Gratify some and astonish the rest.

Epitaph on a gravestone: Cheerio, see you soon.

Many foxes grow gray, but few grow good.

"Life has a great deal up its sleeve."

Greed is good, greed works.

Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before.

Today I have grown taller from walking with the trees.

I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.

If youth only had a chance or old age any brains.

Well begun is half done.

A big enough hammer fixes anything

Use your enemy's hand to catch a snake.

Politics: The glad hand and the marble heart.

Many kiss the hand that they wish cut off.

Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery.

Freedom is a hard-bought thing - A gift no man can give.

A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.

A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.

Old birds are hard to pluck.

That's right, try hard to be good at the game of life.

You tell 'em Hard-Boiled Egg, You're hard to beat.

Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!

Carelessness does more harm than a want of knowledge.

A KGB keyboard has no key!

Even the lion has to protect himself against flies.

The Caldecott Tunnel has less traffic than that vagina.

Friend: Anyone who has the same enemies you have.

How much memory have you got? One brain, one memory.

Some settling may have occurred in shipping.

Thousands of journeys have a start but no end.

Drop your carrier...We have you surrounded!

Sir Lancelot, you have chain mail in Knight's Conf

Only the rich have distant relatives.

Teaching: Appearing to have known your subject forever.

Do well, you hear it never. Do ill, hear it forever.

"Shake off your heavy trance! And leap into a dance."

A little truth helps the lie go down.

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

So crowded in here, I must go outside to change my mind!

If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.

Evil is a hill. We stand on ours, speak about others.

To a dog his owner is Napoleon; hence their popularity.

It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a.

Fiction: It can't hold a scandal to biography.

Charity begins at home, and mostly ends where it begins.

Fishing rod: a hook at one end, a fool at the other.

You tell 'em Horse, You carry a tale.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Tact is knowing how far to go in going too far.

To be a human without passion is to be dead.

You tell 'em Hunter, I'm game.

The truth doesn't hurt unless it ought to.

Fear not, for I have given you authority

To the Caliph I am dirt, but to dirt, I am Caliph.

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a download!" -Rhett Sysop

If I die, I forgive you, if I recover, we shall see.

Not now ... I have to go mow the laundry.

As long as I live, I shall be, myself, no other, just me.

Trust me, would I lie to you..... TWICE?

To whom should I go to for some self-help?

Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

"I'm so bored, I'm starting to miss my husband."

I think that I'm the friendliest guy in my zipcode.

--T-A+G-L-I+N-E--+M-E-A+S-U-R+I-N-G+--G-A+U-G-E--.

It works better if you plug it in *AND THEN* turn it on.

Youngsters remember anything if it happened or not.

It works better if you plug it in where it should be.

Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?

The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism.

Power is an illusion; only stupidity is real.

Planned parenthood --- the impossible dream.

We all live in a yellow subroutine.

One who is in peril thinks with their legs.

Blessings never come in pairs; misfortunes never alone.

It is hereditary in my family to have no children.

What is learned in youth is understood in age.

ROM wasn't built in a day.

He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.

There's no skeletons in my closet!

A jerk present in a group indicates a jerk in charge.

When uncertain, or in doubt, run in circles and scream.

"A Robin redbreast in a cage puts all heaven in a rage."

Instinct is intelligence incapable of self-consciousness.

Corruption. The most infallible symptom of liberty.

Human Being: An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.

Tact is the intelligence of the heart.

Worry is the interest paid on trouble in advance.

All rivers run into the sea, yet the sea is not full.

Travel important today; IRS men arrive tomorrow.

A learned fool is more foolish than an ignorant fool.

At 19, everything is possible; tomorrow looks friendly.

The greatest fault is to be conscious of none.

When all else is lost, the future still remains.

Living on earth is better than loafing around Hades.

The worst hatred is that of relatives.

One person's is another's .

To tolerate everything is to teach nothing.

The greatest cunning is to have none at all.

Talking of bulls is not like being in the bull ring.

The shortest answer is doing.

A good memory is one trained to forget the trivial.

The only certainty is that nothing is certain.

Hi. My name is Rover, I'll paint your car yellow free.

A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.

Society like air, is necessary but not complete for life.

The best armor is to keep out of range.

Too often justice is incidental to law and order.

Not to know is bad, but not to wish to know is worse.

The best doctor is the one you run for and can't find.

Non-fiction often is more unrealistic than fiction.

The trodden path is the safest.

Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God.

An accommodating vice is better than an obstinate virtue.

Firmness in politics is called obstinacy in a donkey.

Learning without thought is labor lost.

A good scare is better than good advice.

A leap year is never a good sheep year.

A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.

A hen tomorrow is more valuable than an egg today.

A leap year is never a good sheep year.

To do nothing is in every person's power.

Unless to thought is added will, Apollo is an imbecile.

Acting without thinking is like shooting without aiming.

The living world is a continuum in each and every aspect.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its written on

If you find it, it is always in the last place you look.

Love your enemies -- it makes them so damned mad.

What good does it do an ass to be called a lion?

I finally got it all together, but forgot where I put it

Good printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.

Money is round, it rolls away.

Your sin, was it of omission, commission, or emission?

I don't want it now, I want it RIGHT now!

"To live long, it is necessary to live slowly." Cicero

Difficult? I wish it had been impossible!

Yield to temptation; It may not pass your way again.

Spaghetti code = job security.

There is no joy in Mudville, mighty Casey has struck out.

The Day of Judgement is approaching, or it is not.

You tell 'em June, And don't July.

My reality check just bounced.

What the heck just happened here?

Poker: It's darkest just before you've drawn.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.

Retreat hell! We're just fighting in another direction.

Humpty Dumpty DOS - Just a shell of himself.

Little boats should keep near the shore.

DANGER! Human at keyboard!

Drink! for you know not whence you came, nor why...

To live well, know the difference between good and evil.

Psychic Con: You know where and when

Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where...

A child prodigy knows not to bother with it.

To climb a ladder, you begin with the first rung.

Tact: Recalling a lady's birthday but forgetting her age.

No wonder can last more than three days.

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

"Our first and last love is -- self-love." Bovee

Happiness is no laughing matter.

Custom is the law of fools.

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

A hen who lays an egg cackles as if it was an asteroid.

Philosophy: A route leading from nowhere to nothing.

One lie always leads to another.

I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous

ATTENTION ..............Elvis has left the echo.

"And God said, Let there be light: and there was light."

Beware when God lets loose a thinker on this planet.

The tree of liberty is watered with the blood of tyrants.

A beard signifies lice, not brains.

Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth.

"What is a lie but the truth in masquerade." Byron

All your future lies beneath your hat.

A well-written life is as rare as a well-spent one.

That concept looks like a chicken in a windstorm.

Nobody can be like me. Even I have trouble doing so.

Network management is like trying to herd cats...

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only heavier

The world is like a cactus except the pricks are inside.

Stupidity has no limits, genius does.

Let's have a little fun, let's do a pun.

Better to understand little than misunderstand a lot.

Think much, speak little, and write less.

I'd like to live like a poor person with lots of money.

I want to live with a synonym girl...

God dislikes money -- look who he gives it to.

Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction.

It's love, it's love that makes the world go round.

Everyone as they loveth, some people kiss cows.

Usually insane; in lucid moments merely stupid.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Diplomacy: The patriotic lying for one's country.

We are as made by God us, and often a great deal worse.

If you can't make it work, make a statistic of it.

When you can't make it GOOD, make it BIG!

Two writes don't make a novel!

Silver and gold make even pigs seem clean.

The wildest colts make the best steeds.

Too many pages make a tome.

Money: A mint makes it first and we try to make it last.

Bigamist: One who makes the same mistake twice.

Behind every successful man stands a surprised MIL.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a moose.

"A man's a man for a' that!" Burns

A worthless wise man always charms the rabble.

Man's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn.

You tell 'em Manicurist, I've been trimmed.

He has too many lice to feel an itch.

"Every woman should marry -- and no man." Disraeli

"All clowns are masked, all personae flow from choices"

Fame: Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment.

Does it really matter which cola I drink?

What a day may bring, a day may take away.

Scotty! Hurry! Beam me uragg^*�� NO CARRIER

Do you like me for my brain, or my BAUD?

Never agree with me, it shakes my self confidence.

Where you've been means much less than where you're going

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

"Love -- a grave mental disease." Plato

"Maytag" is my middle name; I'm an agitator.

To keep your milk sweet, leave it in the cow.

Theater: Holding a mirror up to a keyhole.

To understand other's miseries, look at their pleasures.

Man is the missing link between apes and human beings.

Computers don't make mistakes, but foolish people do.

Flattery is counterfeit money, circulated by vanity.

You tell 'em Moon, You're out all night.

"Everything's got a moral if only you can find it."

What fools these morals be!

There's always 1 more SOB than you counted on

The wise learn more from fools than fools from the wise.

Cow's breath attracts mosquitoes and tsetse flies!

He is the most sensible looking man talking nonsense.

Leisure is the mother of philosophy.

Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!

You tell 'em Mountain, I'm only a bluff.

An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

Honey in the mouth and knives in the heart.

Civilization is a movement, it is a voyage not a harbor.

You must know much before you know how little you know.

You learn as much by writing as you do by reading.

If you throw mud, you will have dirty hands.

None but a mule denies his family.

Mister! Here's your mule!

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

With foxes we must play the fox.

Philosophic enjoyment = mutual misunderstanding.

I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.

I haven't lost my mind..It must be backed-up somewhere.

I use windows...on my car, on my house, but not on my...

If you want my advice, pay me!

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

Ethics is not necessarily the handmaiden of theology.

Children have more need of models than of critics.

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

Remember, the end never justifies the meanness.

The sun is never the worse for shining on a dunghill.

Women and elephants never forget real or supposed injury.

"Women and elephants never forget." Parker

Just got a new car for my wife... Great trade...

"God said, "Let Newton be!" and all was light." Pope

Homo sum; humani nihil a me alienum puto.

An atheist has no invisible means of support.

Beauty faded has no second spring.

Judicial reform is no sport for the short-winded.

Where there is no shame, there is no honor.

En boca cerrada no entran moscas.

Easy as pie, no fuss, no muss, no crust....

Dios tarda pero no olvida.

When we are not sure, we are alive.

The past is not what it will be.

The cinema is not a slice of life but a piece of cake.

Closed eyes are not always sleeping.

The future is not what it used to be.

The consumer is not a moron, it is your spouse.

Incorrigible punster -- do not incorrige!

"The law hath not been dead, though it hath slept." Shake

The city is not a concrete jungle. It is a human zoo.

5�" floppy is not better than 3�" hard.

Education which is not modern, faces the organic fate.

A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet.

Honesty pays, but not enough for some.

It's nobody's business, not even mine.

A mother is not a dust rag.

A bigot will not reason, a fool cannot, a slave dare not.

Art is vision not expression.

One crow will not peck out another crow's eyes.

All things change, nothing is extinguished.

A hole is nothing, but you can break your neck in it.

Man: There is nothing more miserable and more arrogant.

God gives the nuts, but He does not crack them.

Penguin: The headwaiter of the Antarctic.

This open hand of desire wants everything.

Vulgarity: The conduct of others.

Oh well, half of one, six dozen of the other.

In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

A living example of Artificial Intelligence.

Graveyards are full of the indispensable.

Shake, a man of note, wrote so many things to quote.

.... a deluge of words and drop of sense.

The only winner of the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

A male rite of passage: Writing your name in the snow.

Often the test of courage is not to die but to live.

The eventual supremacy of reason should be accepted.

Admiration: Polite recognition of self-reflection.

Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.

Solve the problems of the world: Vote anarchist.

Rainforest: a scarcity of animals a plethora of tourists.

Endocannibalism: The result of a really hungry cannibal.

"The first sigh of love is the last of wisdom." Bret

Every valuable idea offends someone.

Lean books are often larded with the fat of others' works

Blond Mating Call: Oh, I'm so drunk [giggle]!!

If you're too old to learn, you were born so.

Marriages are based on believing you won the arguments.

Since life goes on - you might as well get on with it.

The Devil falls on account of his gravity.

If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.

Knowledge rests not on truth alone, but upon error also.

The truth is one thing that nobody will believe.

All for one; one for all; ME above all!

An ass thinks one thing, his rider another.

"Let's win this one and go home." - George A. Custer

An agreeable person: One who agrees with you.

Life is an onion and one peels it crying.

Don't shoot! I'm only the Casio player!

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

This tagline is only for the living.

He is not only dull within, but causes dullness without.

Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it.

People are the only creatures with the power of laughter.

America is the only country founded on a good idea.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

You tell 'em Operator, You've got their number.

Drama in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.

Radical: Anyone whose opinion differs from ours.

Beware of the opinion of someone without any facts.

Ever wonder why Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo?

Lunatic asylum: where optimism most flourishes.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.

Shame is an ornament to the young, a disgrace to the old.

The best way out of a difficulty is through it.

When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns

"The only victory over love is flight." Napoleon

I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks!

You tell 'em Owl, You're wise.

We make our own fortunes and call them our fate.

Quien da el pan impone la ley.

Love truth but pardon error.

Chance makes our parents, but choice makes our friends.

Hello, I am part number ��޺���۳�ݳ�ݳ�.

Confirmation of the past is often the greatest surprise.

Tips: Wages we pay other people's hired help.

Mountains culminate in peaks, and nations in people.

All words are pegs on which to hang ideas.

All words are pegs on which to hang ideas.

Guns don't kill people, off-line readers do.

Of all the people I have met, you are certainly one

Whenever Possible, Put People On Hold

Sinner: A stupid person who gets found out.

Strength of mind: Person who can eat one salted peanut.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

You tell 'em Piano, You're upright and square.

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.

"Man is a piece of the universe made alive." Emerson

Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.

Restaurant: An eating place that does not sell drugs.

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

Originality is undetected plagiarism.

You tell 'em playing cards, You know the joker.

Reader not found, please notify tagline.

It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.

"A pound of pluck is worth a ton of luck." Garfield

*NOW* is a point in time that is already gone.

That was a pointing device? My cat thought it was dinner.

Bedfellows make strange politicians.

The purification of politics is an iridescent dream.

Ambition destroys its possessor.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Keyboard not connected, press to continue.

I do not pretend to know what the ignorant are sure of.

A ounce of pretension = a pound of manure!

You tell 'em Printer, I'm not your type.

As lacking in privacy as a goldfish.

Morality is a private and costly luxury.

College: Guarantee the quality of the product or return.

Assumption #1: Dan Quayle is smarter than broccoli.

Dime de lo que blasonas, y te dire de lo quwe careces.

Fax me no questions, I'll Fax you no lies!

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned." Congreve

You tell 'em Railroad, It's not along my line.

Sailors curse the rain that farmers prayed for in vain.

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng

I used to read books. Now I read .qwk files.

Prejudice is the reason of fools. Voltaire.

Praise: What you receive when you are no longer alive.

We are all related...relatively speaking

Computers can never replace human stupidity.

Art does not reproduce the visible; it makes visible.

Disease is the retribution of an outraged nature.

Actions are usually right, but the reasons seldom are.

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.

Doubt is the root of education, not faith.

Once uttered, words run faster than the horses i bet on.

Ostrich: He often runs so fast he leaves himself behind.

Carasvemos, corazones no sabemos.

Self-sacrifice: to sacrifice others without blushing.

Art for art's sake is a philosophy of the well-fed.

Nobody shoots at Santa Claus.

Stulti timent fortunam sapientes ferunit.

Being able to say NO is the root to reclaiming your life.

If three people say you are an ass, put on a bridle.

Today is the scene of the accident.

Iron sharpens iron; scholar, the scholar.

Art is I; Science is We.

Sub omni lapide scorpio dormit.

"Beam me aboard, Scotty." "Sure. Will a 2x10 do?"

Quien con perros se acuesta con pulgas se levanta.

Put on your seatbelt. I'm gonna try something new.

All sentences that seem true should be questioned.

A wise person sees as much as ought, not as much can.

He is a self-made man, and worships his creator.

"Everyone lives by selling something." - R.L. Stevenson

You tell 'em September Morn, No one has anything on you.

How do I set my Laser Printer to "Stun"?

Boot & ye shall see. Replace & all will be made clear.

Let art alone. She's got enough guys sleeping with her.

He is a sheep in sheep's clothing.

You tell 'em Shoemaker, You know awl.

You realize how short a month when you pay alimony.

God gave burdens shoulders also.

Si jeunesse savoit, si vieillesse pouvoit.

Movement To Ban Silly Tag Lines; Send Donations to:

You tell 'em Simon, I'll Legree.

It is a sin peculiar to people to hate their victims.

Angels can fly since they take themselves lightly.

Money is the sinews of both love and war.

Of all thirty-six alternatives, running away is best.

If the family skeleton must remain, make it dance.

There is a skeleton in every old house.

Doctrine is the skin of truth set up and stuffed.

Never trust a skinny cook.

You tell 'em Skyscraper, You have more than one story.

Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.

Don't be a snob. Never lie when truth is more profitable.

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.

My mind ain't so open that anything can crawl right in.

Subway: A place so crowded even men can't all get seats.

Why are there so many gnarly limbs on my family tree?

if you want someone to keep a secret, keep it yourself.

Teamwork gives you someone else to blame.

Nature, like people sometimes weeps for gladness.

The deeper the sorrow, the less tongue hath it.

It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.

You may be Southern -- but you're no Comfort.

Computers also eliminate spare time.

She devotes her spare time to neglecting duties.

Wit is the spice of conversation, not the food.

Army food: The spoils of war.

A word fitly spoken is like a beautiful apple of gold.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

43% of all statistics are totally worthless !!!

Isn't there a statute of limitations on stupidity?

DANGER DANGER Computer store ahead...hide wallet.

A true diplomat struts sitting down.

I can't be stupid, I completed third grade!

I may be stupid, but that still makes me smarter than you

Ignorance is temporary; stupid is forever.

The race from stupidity is to the driven, not the swift.

Malice is merely stupidity raised to a higher power.

You tell 'em Submarine, I can't seaplane.

Earth: A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.

There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.

Your sweet words suck the morning dew off the honeysuckle

I would have suffered a lot more if understood.

"And when fate summons monarchs must obey;"

A day without sunshine is like night.

Error reading FAT Table...Try Skinny one ? (Y/N)

Let's see your tagline hunting permit, sir.

To steal this tagline press now.

Not a real tagline, but an incredible soy substitute.

The UARTs won't take this speed, Captain.

Stick to your talent and the cows will be well tended.

You tell 'em teacher, You've got the class.

Dew is the tears which the stars weep.

"No, I didn't." - Teddy Kennedy

Only I can tell where my own shoe pinches me.

Any fool can tell the truth, it takes sense to lie well.

A person never tells you anything until contradicted.

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

"A lie is terminological inexactitude." Churchill

Sysoping: More fun than being beaten with a sledgehammer.

Actions speak louder than words -- but not so often.

I'm more humble than you are!

Prevention is better than cure.

Blood is thicker than water, and much more tastier.

Software, hardware, -- is that you talking Sigmund?

SYSOP: The guy that is laughing at your typing!

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

A thief believes that everybody steals.

Only the hand that erases can write the true thing.

Prune: A plum that has seen better days.

Dan Quayle thinks that Cheerios are donut seeds.

It's a tragedy that no man become like their mothers.

Echo: Only thing that cheats some out of the last word.

You can't do that. It's been digitally cursed.

Th-th-th-that's all, folks!

"Logic is logic. That's all I say." Holmes

Hot air sometimes thaws out a cold reception.

Indiscriminate study bloats the mind.

Hmmm, When is the last time the Tooth Fairy visited you?

Every person is the architect of their own fortune.

The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)mack the @#$&*~ thing!

It runs in the blood like wooden legs.

Feather by feather the goose is plucked.

A bachelor enjoys the chase but doesn't eat the game.

The fish in the sea are as good as the fish removed.

A bird in the hand's better than one overhead.

Ancient custom has the force of law.

Bastard toadflax: not the result nearsighted horny toads.

A pain in the butt may be a friend in need.

A bird in the bush can't make a mess in your hand.

The pen is the tongue of the mind.

"Look at all the Indians!" - General Custer

Good taste is the flower of good sense.

Applied emotion is the key to success with happiness.

A book is the only immortality.

So dumb: Chewing the stick, not sucking the lollipop.

The hole and the patch should be commensurate.

A teetotaller makes the worst drunkard.

TV advertising is the rattling inside a swill bucket.

We have met the enemy, and he's all yours!

The proof is the phylogeny of plant-animal interactions.

"Forgotten men at the bottom of the economic pyramid" FDR

If I save the whales, where do I keep them?

The footprint of the owner is the best manure.

A statesman shears the sheep; the politician skins them.

"Fountains mingle with the river, rivers with the ocean."

Live so that the family parrot can live afterwards.

Celery farmers play the stalk market.

To live in the hearts we leave behind, is not to die.

Parents: One of the hardships of a minor's life.

I only wrote the thing, I don't have to understand it!

Biography: One of the terrors of death.

Hospitals: Places where the run down wind up.

"The welfare of the people is the chief law." Cicero

Yeah, but what's the speed of DARK?

A vote on the tally sheet is worth two in the box.

No one test the depth of a river with both feet.

I have seen the future and it is now the past.

Forget RTFM - Call The Author At Home! (@ 23:45)

Every person constructs their own bed of nails.

Where law ends, there tyranny begins.

Where's there's smoke, there's toast.

I think ... therefore I am overqualified.

Mistrust first impulses, they are always good.

Blessed our young they will inherit our national debt.

"How wise are they that are but fools in love!" Cooke

Unbelief in one thing springs = blind belief in another.

Postscript: The only thing of interest in some letters.

there are three things that come next, uh four...

Nobody notices when things go right, I'm always noticed.

Nobody notices when things go right, and I'm noticed.

Facts are stubborn things.

No one can think clearly with clenched fists.

The characters in this message are recyclable

That was then, this is now.

May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.

He says a thousand pleasant things, but never "Adieu."

Hollywood: A trip through a sewer in a glass bottom boat.

Put off procrastinating till a later time.

Yawn: The only time some men get to open their mouths.

Mr. Bullfrog says: Time is fun when you're having flies.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

It is easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar.

It is easy to propose impossible remedies.

If worst comes to worst, you *CAN* turn most things off.

It is easier to admire hard work if you don't do it.

Modem.... A deterrent to phone solicitors.

It is meaningless to speak of domesticating a child.

It is dangerous to confuse children with angels.

Uh, yeah...I MEANT to do that!

A noisy exhaust to some almost amounts to a mating call.

Every person gets to heaven in their own way.

When you go to the market, use your eyes, not your ears.

Women's clothes: Go to extremes, seldom to extremities.

It is hard to believe that even his friends like him.

Never lean forward to push an invisible object.

Luxury: Costs $7.69 to make and $20.00 to market.

Everyone IS entitled to my opinion.

Dogmatism: Puppyism come to its full growth.

Cleanliness is next to "clean-limbed," in the dictionary.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

It is better to know useless things than to know nothing.

If people listened to themselves, they would shut up.

It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it

The only way to judge the future is by knowing the past.

We hired you to baby sit. You cooked and ate them BOTH?

'Tis the season to be punny......

If you want to hide your face, walk naked.

Flattery: Cologne water, to smell but not swallow.

Are we supposed to be having fun yet?

Here I run, to steal the secret of the sun.

Is it OK to yell 'MOVIE' in a crowded firehouse?

A person slow to anger is better than the mighty.

Maybe it's right to be nervous now...

If you try to be too sharp, you will cut yourself.

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.

It takes two to make a bargain.

What grammar is to speech, logic is to reason.

Stupid: Being unable to find your own butt in the dark.

Here today, dawn tomorrow.

Bubble, Bubble..Am I too late to jump the ship ??

You cannot be too careful in the choice of your enemies.

"Men know life too early, women too late" Wilde

He who talks too much commits a sin.

Seeing is believing, Touching is convincing..

The first step towards philosophy is incredulity.

Life is a tragedy for feelers and a comedy for thinkers.

If it isn't true, at least it is a happy invention.

Legal Marijuana needs true glaucoma patients.

The course of true anything never does run smooth.

What is the True meaning of DOS?

Without love and trust all you can be in life is alone.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Autobiography: Unrivalled telling truth about others.

America is a tune. It must be sung together.

You can't step twice in the same river.

When choosing between two evils, select the newer one.

Hypocrisy is the type of homage vice pays to virtue.

This tagline is umop apisdn.

She has been under more drunken sailors than a head.

With consequences, the unexpected always predominate.

Sculptor: A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

Reality.Sys corrupted -- Reboot Universe (Y/N)?

Anybody can win, unless there is a second entry.

Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.

It's not over until the FAT table sings

We NEVER grow up, we just get older, and older, and ...

Hey! Don't pick up that phoׯ��ች��� NO CARRIER

Contraceptives: to be used on all conceivable occasions.

* me the Expos.

Peeking two-eyed through a keyhole takes a narrow mind.

Penguin: The headwaiter of the Antarctic.

People are the only creatures with the power of laughter.

People, by nature, are civic animals.

People, not dogs, sell their souls for money or power.

People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.

People say I'm indecisive, but I'm not so sure.

People sweat so they won't catch fire when making love.

People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.

People who have trouble communicating should shut up.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

People who stagnate rather than evolve are almost dead.

People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

People with dogs are too cowardly to bite for themselves.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.

Perfection is the road, not the destination.

Perhaps a radiologist can find something of value in him?

Perot/Bush/Quayle: Billionaire, Skipper and Gilligan

person slow to anger is better than the mighty.

Persons reading between the lines do so at their own risk

Pessimism never won a battle.

Petty crime is the scourge of business today.

Philosophic enjoyment = mutual misunderstanding.

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex

Philosophy: A route leading from nowhere to nothing.

Physics is experience, arranged in an economical order.

Pi are round. Cornbread are square.

Piano tuners do it twice a year.

Pity a donkey with a IQ of 138. Nobody likes a smart ass

Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labors in vein.

Place all paint in the rear. Leave no stern untoned.

Plan to throw one away. You will anyhow.

Planned parenthood --- the impossible dream.

Play it, again Sam.

Please come back to Detroit, we missed you the first time

Please do not break character.

Please don't feed the typesetter.

Please don't unzip here. I'm bashful; I'll probably laugh

Please don't yell at me. I'm new at this.

Please, forget that, I was just going to start eating.

Please let me know if you did not receive this.

Please return stewardess to original upright position.

Please take my word for it.

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is.

Poetry is what Milton first saw after he went blind.

Poets are rather silent on the subject of cheese.

POETS: Piss On Everything, Tomorrow's Saturday.

Poker Face: The face that launched a thousand chips.

Poker: It's darkest just before you've drawn.

Police tagline. Do not cross

Politeness makes wrinkles smooth.

Political correctness isn't.

Politicians fly the SST now, and all of us pay later.

Politicians profit by confusing theories with conditions.

Politics is stealing from the many and giving to the few.

Politics: Passing the buck or passing the doe.

Politics: The glad hand and the marble heart.

Politics: When one makes a decision that involves others.

Positive thinking: Believe everything positively stinks.

Positive: Being mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Post-Operative: Fancy title for a letter carrier.

Postage not necessary if mailed within the United States.

Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.

Postscript: The only thing of interest in some letters.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.

Power is an illusion; only stupidity is real.

Practice good mirth control, use a conundrum.

Practice safe algebra, use brackets.

Practiss maks perfict.

Pragmatism should never be confused with moderation.

Praise: What you receive when you are no longer alive.

Predestination was doomed from the start.

Pregnancy is a side effect of sloppy birth control.

Prejudice is the reason of fools.

Present technology may permit history to have an end.

Preserve the old, but know the new.

Press + to see another tagline.

Press ++ to continue.

Press to load the BBS, or +H for an IQ test.

Press all the keys at once to continue...

Press any key - i.e. the key with "ANY" on it.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Press any key... NO!... except that one.

Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode .

Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist.

Pretending sleep is the most common birth control device.

Prevent computer viruses. Install Trojans!

Prevention is better than cure.

Price of admission - your premise.

Priests do it faithfully with Masses.

PRIME DIRECTIVE, MY A**! Phasers on maximum!

Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.

Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.

Programmer's Oxymoron: Spare-Time

Programmers do it with their fingers.

Programmers get overlaid.

Programs will expand to fill available memory.

Programs will expand to fill available memory

Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

Promises and performances vary with hopes and fears.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Prosperity makes some friends and many enemies.

Prostitute: Someone who sleeps using the Buddy System.

Protect your right to arm bears.

Protect your right to arm bears

Protein: Supportive of young people.

Prsentez toujours le devant au monde.

Prune: A plum that has seen better days.

PS/2 it? PS/on it too.

Psst! Your .ZIP file is open.

Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.

Psychic Con: You know where and when.

Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.

Public opinion flourishes where there are no ideas.

Punctuality is the thief of time.

Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.

Purring....the sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Put lawyers on the ethics committee, for balance.

Put off procrastinating until a later time.

Put on your seatbelts. I'm gonna try something new.

Quality is to be found in absolutely everything I due.

Quick, I need a tagline, let me steal yours.

Quick. Operator. Give me the number for 911.

Quick! hand me that solar-powered flashlight.

Quick! Make a wish! It has a chance to come true.

Quick! Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Quick! Say something profound in 45 characters or le.

Quien con perros se acuesta con pulgas se levanta.

Quien da el pan impone la ley.

Quit work and play for once.

Quit worrying about your health, it will go away.

Quoth the Raven, Eat My Shorts.

Racist leaders live off the fatheads of the land.

Radical: Anyone whose opinion differs from ours.

Radioactive cats have 18 half lives.

Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

Rainforest: a scarcity of animals a plethora of tourists.

Raise your IQ-- eat gifted children.

Raising pet electric eels has lots of current popularity.

Raising your voice does not reinforce your argument.

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Rational information in arguments not permitted here.

Read messages, not taglines.

Read the docs? Wow, what a radical concept.

Reader not found, please notify tagline.

Reading with your eyes closed may help you understand.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of your ignorance.

Real knowledge is knowing the extent of one's ignorance.

Real men *do* cry in real time and real space.

Real men write self-modifying code.

Real programmers practice safe HEX.

Real programmers snort Taster's Choice.

Real programmers use punched cards.

Real wealth is the kind that can only increase.

REAL SysOps disconnect the speakers.

Reality is a constant intrusion on my dreams.

Reality is an illusion produced by alcohol deficiency.

Reality is for those that can't handle drugs.

Reality is something you rise above.

Reality is something you must always rise above.

Reality is the indefinite enumeration of objects.

Reality-O-Meter: [\.......] Hmmph! Thought so.

Reality stems from the line printer.

Reality sure has unknown dimensions.

REALITY.SYS corrupted -- Reboot UNIVERSE [Y,n]?

Reality: Crutch for people who can't read science fiction

Reality: Life without alcohol.

Reality: Only a concept and the home of the brave.

Really get stoned, drink wet cement.

Really stupid people believe they are intelligent.

Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God.

Recent investments will yield a slight profit.

Recognize the signs of spring.

Recursion, noun: see recursion.

Recycle: For me, for you, for them, and them, and them.

Recycle! For us and for them.

Red, white, and blue. Three colors that only run forward.

Redneck: (n); a person whose family tree doesn't fork.

Redundancy is something I can do again and again.

Regardless of what you may think, this is not a tagline.

Regular or extra crispy, how do you want the environment?

Religions change, beer and wine remain.

Religious people are wicked, how would they be without?

Remember, if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

Remember, it takes two to dance the tango.

Remember, it takes two to play peekaboo.

Remember, it takes two to share a kiss.

Remember, one runner does not make a race.

Remember, one shoe cannot be a pair.

Remember, one singer is not a duet.

Remember that a kick in the butt may equal a step forward

Remember that three lefts make a right.

Remember, the end never justifies the meanness.

Remember, the paper is strongest at the perforations.

Remember to leave 15% for the tip of the iceberg.

Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.

Remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?

Remember: No matter where you go; there you are.

Repartee: An insult with a suit and tie on.

Repent and return those library books.

Repetition is the death of art.

Republican rule: The more I get, the better off you are.

Repunzel, Repunzel, ... turn on your modem.

Reputation: What others are not thinking about you.

Resist being put into boxes.

Resistance is useless, if you have no volts or amps.

Resort: A place where the tired grow more tired.

Responsibility without power is like slavery.

Restaurant: An eating place that does not sell drugs.

Results may be unpredictable.

Retire from Congress in 1992 and pocket campaign funds.

Retired teachers have no class at all.

Retirement: when you get a certificate of depreciation.

Retreat hell! We're just fighting in another direction.

Revenge is sweeter than life itself. So think fools.

Revolutions are not about trifles, but from trifles grow.

Rise from life as a banquet, neither thirsty nor drunken.

Robot: Your plastic pal who's fun to be with.

Robotech? Oh, look Darling, it's Dallas in outer space!

Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world.

ROM instruction: (R)ead (O)perators (M)ind.

ROM wasn't built in a day.

Ronald Reagan, the Milli Vanilli of Presidents.

Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens.

Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens.

Rounded numbers are always false.

RTFM: But it's the computer manuals I hate.

RTFM? You've got to be kidding.

RU486SX - 16 bit version of the popular abortion pill.

Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.

Rules? What rules?

Rumors love lies.

Run for the toilet, Taco Bell's done it again.

Running water is fine, but not running through the roof.

Running Windows is better than washing them.

Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home.

Said the fly " Let us flee." Said the flea "Let us fly."

Sailors curse the rain that farmers prayed for in vain.

Sailors do it upon the waves.

Sails trimmed, autopilot on, now it's "Miller Time."

San Francisco: where NOBODY eats Rice-a-Roni.

Sandwich: An faulty attempt to make both ends meat.

Sane? Hell, if I was sane why would I be here?

Sanity not found. Abort, Ignore, Retry, Fail?

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.

Save energy: be apathetic.

Save more trees, eat more beavers.

Save our planet, leave something of value behind.

Save out planet for our descendants.

Save the earth, some of my best friends live here.

Save the plankton - eat a whale.

Save the Plankton, eat a whale.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Save the whales! Start collecting a whole set today.

Save trees, eat beavers.

Saved whales are to be stored in Davy Jones' locker.

Savings accounts and toothpaste, only come out easy.

Say "No," then negotiate.

Say something soft & sweet. Marshmallow.

Say the secret word and this duck is yours.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Science has not yet found a cure for the pun.

Scientific Method: A useful logical fallacy.

Screw each and every prime directive.

Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else

Scrute the inscrutable; eff the ineffable.

SCUD : (S)ure (C)ould (U)se (D)irections.

Sculptor: A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.

Se non e vero, e molto ben trovato.

Secretion: Something someone is hiding from you.

Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all Monks think about?

Security is a game where final goal is never reached.

See you in the movies.

Seeing is believing, Touching is convincing.

Seek not to follow footsteps but what they sought.

Seismologists do it to a fault.

Seize no evil, ears no evil, and nose no evil.

Self-made man: A horrible example of unskilled labor.

Self-sacrifice: to sacrifice others without blushing.

Selfishness is a vice we see it only in others.

Semiconductor: A part-time orchestra leader.

Semper Fidelis

Senility means never having to drink just to forget.

Seniors are years ahead.

Serfs up -- Spartacus.

Seriousness is the very next step to being dull.

Sex and death, two things that occur once in a lifetime.

Sex in a Volkswagen = Farfergnookie.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't, you won't.

Sex is like an industrial film covered in fur..

Sex is not a answer. Sex is a question. Yes is the answer

Sex isn't the best nor the worst thing in the world.

Shake, a man of note, wrote so many things to quote.

Shake off your heavy trance! And leap into a dance.

Shake well before and after use.

Shame is an ornament to the young, a disgrace to the old.

Shamed be he who thinks evil of it.

Share your happiness with others today.

Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased.

Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven.

Shareware, crippleware, annoyware, underwear.

Shareware it only works if you pay.

Shareware? Reminds me of a girl in my high school.

Sharp wits, like sharp knives, often cut their owner.

Sharper than an asp's tooth to have a thankless child.

She can't take much more of this Captain.

She devotes her spare time to neglecting duties.

She got pregnant simply because she hated rabbits.

She has been under more drunken sailors than a naval head

She is descended from a line that her mother listened to.

She kept saying I didn't listen to her -- or something.

She said "You get three wishes, what are the other two ?"

She's been on more laps than a napkin.

She's looking at menopause in a rear-view mirror.

Sherman, set the Way-Back Machine for 1492.

SHHHH! Be vewy quiet -- I'm hunting FOREBEARS.

Shhhhhh.....the topic cops are coming.

Shill: Guy who loses $2000 at a table, & leaves smiling.

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Shoplifters with the runs always take Clepto Bismol.

Should old acquaintance be forgot - Count of Monte Cristo

Shouldn't you be doing something useful?

Shouldn't you go back to lurking now?

Show & Tell: Lecture by Gypsy Rose Lee.

Show affection, it may result in a pleasant response.

Show me a good tagline... And I'll steal it.

Show me a sane man. I'll cure him for you.

Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.

Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Si jeunesse savoit, si vieillesse pouvoit.

Sick pay is a form of ill-gotten gains.

Sick Pay: Ill-gotten gains.

Silence is evidence of a superb command of the language.

Silence is more eloquent at times than words.

Silent gratitude isn't of much value to anyone.

Silly rabbit, tricks are for hookers.

Silver and gold make even pigs seem clean.

Simple rule: If you don't treat me right, shame on you.

Sin has many tools, a lie is only handle for them all.

SIN OF OMISSION: Any sin that you forgot to commit.

SIN OF OMISSION: Any sin that you forgot to commit.

Since GOD spelled backwards is DOG, is my poodle Satan?

Since life goes on - you might as well get on with it.

Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned

Since she won't live forever, why give her a diamond?

Since vegetarians eat vegetables, beware of humanitarians

Since we all move so slow, why is it called rush hour?

Sinner: A stupid person who gets found out.

Sir Lancelot, you have chain mail in Knight's Conference.

Sit down, you're rocking the boat.

Skeptics are seldom deceived.

Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.

Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.

Sleep warm, love well and carry a big stick.

SLEEP? NEVER! I'm a consultant.

Small problems seem insurmountable to small minds.

Smile and everyone wonders what you've been up to.

Smile, but sharpen your knives.

Smile if you are wearing sexy underwear.

Smile you may meet a person who will play with your life.

Smog makes haze while the sun shines.

Smoke a doobie while driving - leave no turn unstoned.

Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

Smokey the Bear says: Strip mining prevents forest fires.

Smoking cures weight problems... eventually.

Smoking is one of leading causes of statistics.

Snails' pace: .00758 mph.

Snozzelberry? Who ever heard of a snozzelberry?

So crowded in here, I must go outside to change my mind.

So dumb: Chewing the stick, not sucking the lollipop.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

So many messages ... So little time left.

So much for No New TAXES, I'm giving up lip-reading.

So where did we all come from? Stop acting like a monkey.

Society like air, is necessary but not complete for life.

Society prepares the crime; the criminal commits it.

Software, hardware, -- is that you talking Sigmund?

Software independent: Won't work with ANY software.

Solution Series: Works for Windows, Publisher and Money

Solve the problems of the world: Vote anarchist.

Some are wise; others are otherwise....

Some assembly required.

Some assembly required: the whole damned thing.

Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written.

Some believe their life sentence is take up room and die.

Some bosses call passing the buck delegating authority.

Some climb the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

Some cures are worse than the disease.

Some days, I'd kill Flipper for a good tuna sandwich.

Some days it take effort to just keep up with the losers.

Some days, rocking a boat is the way to get things done.

Some days the only good thing on TV is the vase.

Some days you're a bug, other days a windshield.

Some farewells are easier than others.

Some lives are as a lamp that flickers but cannot flare.

Some lose their tempers from seeing you keep yours.

Some men are discovered, others are found out.

Some men without a god are like fish without bicycles.

Some nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

Some of us just die, others of us live on.

Some people are like a Don Quayle without the intellect.

Some people are born stupid, others work to acquire it.

Some people aren't equipped to attend a meeting of minds

Some people can't succeed at anything, even suicide.

Some people grasp stupidity as though it were a virtue.

Some people push for a tofu-free work environment.

Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.

Some settling may have occurred in shipping.

Some stock market investors go stock-raving mad.

Some things have to be believed to be seen.

Some thoughts are best guillotined before actions result.

Some TV shows are so dull they should have yawn tracks.

Some winners rely upon miracles without believing in them

Some women get excited about nothing, then marry him.

Some would change a bad shirt instead of a bad mind.

Some zoophilic dreams are really wild.

Someone is speaking well of you.

Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.

Someone superglued all my bytes onto my hard drive.

Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.

someonelemmeoutaherethisplaceisfullanuts!!

Something will have to be done, something irresponsible.

Sometimes even fools make good suggestions.

Sometimes I sit and think, sometimes I sit and stink.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy...other times I let her sleep.

Sometimes it takes a fool to rush in to get the job done.

Sometimes the fax lie.

Sometimes the fool who rushes in gets the job done best.

Sometimes, the only solution is to find a new problem.

Sometimes the truth is the worst horror.

Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you.

Sorry, a fatal error has occurred. You're dead.

Sorry, can't think of an insult stupid enough for you.

Sound really has almost nothing to do with true music.

Spaghetti code = job security.

Sparky's Law: You must say something cute here!

Speak kind words, and you will hear wonderful echoes.

Speak of braggarts: talking of those lacking something.

Specifications subject to change without notice.

Speculation is the return lane of the road to knowledge.

Speed kills! Switch to Windows...

Speed things up, make pre-aged wine from old raisins.

Split hairs any finer and you'll end up with split ends.

Spongecake: Dessert made of borrowed ingredients.

Spooks are a breed apart.

Spring makes everything young again except humans.

Spring: When anglers get that faraway lake in their eyes.

Standards are wonderful. So very many to choose from.

Standing on head makes smile of frown for mouth only.

Start a family only if your parents are able to baby sit.

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.

Start slow and taper off.

Starve a feeding bureaucrat...vote Libertarian.

State Dept. of Unnecessary Double Redundancies Section.

State Dept. of Unnecessary Double Redundancies Dept.

Statistics are human beings with the tears wiped off.

Status Quo--Latin for the mess we are in.

Stay away from flying saucers today.

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

Stay with me, I want to be alone.

Stealth means never having to say you're sorry.

Steers don't grow up to be cow boys.

Stick \'stik\ n. 1: A boomerang that doesn't work

Stick to your talent and the cows will be well tended.

STILL HERE? The message is over.... Go Home. Go On!

Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.

Stop spelling misteaks: use error correcting modems.

Straight trees have crooked roots.

Strange but not a stranger...

Strength of mind: Person who can eat one salted peanut.

Stretch pants: What Lassie does when the show runs under.

Strings, Percussion, and Celesta - Bartok WAS Country!

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

Strive for the impossible or you shall wither.

Study as if life is eternal, knowing tomorrow you may die

Stulti timent fortunam sapientes ferunit.

Stupid: Being unable to find your own butt in the dark.

Stupidity has no limits, genius does.

Stupidity is no excuse for not thinking.

Stupidity is not considered a handicap, park elsewhere.

Stupidity is not a handicap. You have to park elsewhere.

Sub omni lapide scorpio dormit.

Subliminal: Send me $1000 in small, unmarked bills.

Submitted for your approval.

Subway: A place so crowded even all men can't get seats.

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Success of those we dislike proves that luck exists.

Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.

Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake.

Superior firepower is invaluable when negotiations start.

Support FREE software. Write it yourself.

Support Pacifism: Get out & fight for what you believe in

Suppress that thought.

Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.

Sure I can help you out, which way did you come in?

Sure, when OINK FLAP OINK FLAP ... I'll be damned.

Surly to bed, and surly to rise.

Surprise due today. Also the rent.

Surprise the world. Get to work on time today.

Swap read error. You lose your mind.

Swell-head: Nature's frantic effort to fill a vacuum.

Synonym: A word you use when you can't spell the other.

Syntax Error in KITCHEN.H : COFFEE not found.

SYSOP: The guy that is laughing at your typing.

Sysoping, not just an adventure, sometimes it's emesis.

Sysoping: More fun than being beaten with a sledgehammer.

System Failure. Push (B)ullshit (W)hine (S)urrender.

SYSTEM ERROR: press F13 to continue.

-----T-A+G-L-I+N-E--+M-E-A+S-U-R+I-N-G+--G-A+U-G-E-------

Tablet: A small table.

Tabloid: A newspaper with a permanent crime wave.

Tabloid: A newspaper with a permanent crime wave.

Tact is knowing how far to go in going too far.

Tact is the intelligence of the heart.

Tact: Describing others as they see themselves.

Tact: Recalling a lady's birthday but forgetting her age.

Tag line thievery..Coming up next on Geraldo.

Tag lines are irrelevant if you don't understand them.

Tagito ergo sum (I Tag, therefore I am).

Tagless messages just look naked somehow...

Tagline Lotto: ���������� "x" "Deport all of the above" in `92.

Vote anarchist.

Vote for abolishment of public display of butt-cracks.

Vulgarity: The conduct of others.

W)here Y)our S)tupid I)nterface W)eathers Y)our G)enius.

Wait. That's the FORBIDDEN dance.

Waiter, I'll have what the guy writhing on the floor had.

Waiting to overcome all objections, results in nothing.

Walk through doors, don't crawl through Windows.

Wanna Be a Psychopath? Read Dianetics, or ZMODEM.DOC.

Want to see a quieter way of life? Visit Forest Lawn.

War on Puberty: New program to eliminate teenage crime.

Ware-o-ware has my OS/2 gone?

Warning, do not download SAFESEX.ZIP it is a trojan.

Warning - This message may be harmful to your ego.

WARNING... drinking tap water may kill your thirst.

Warning: All prosecutors will be violated.

Warning! Incomprehensible action is about to occur.

Warning! Incomprehensible source follows.

Was General George Custer an aficionado of arrow shirts?

Was Jimi Hendrix's Modem A Purple Hayes?

Waste is a terrible thing to mind.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

Watch it Buster - You're trying my infinite patience.

Watch out..the paranoids are after you.

Water, in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

Water in the West runs uphill toward money.

Water taken in moderation, cannot do very much harm.

We all live in a yellow subroutine.

We are all travelers, from our birth until our death.

We are all related...relatively speaking.

We are as made by God, and often a great deal worse.

We are going to have peace even at the price of war.

We are immortal, but only for a very limited time.

We are in bondage to the law so that we may be free.

We are sorry, the number you reached is not in service.

We are the most intelligent planet on earth" - Dan Quayle

We are the people our parents warned us about.

We are what we pretend to be.

We ask advice but we mean approbation.

We don't care, we don't have to, we're the phone

We have met the enemy, and he's all yours.

We have resumed control...we have resumed control...

We have standards and expect you not to exceed them.

We have two ears and one tongue, use them likewise.

We hired you to baby sit. You cooked and ate them both?

We make our own fortunes and call them our fate.

We may be lost, but we're sure making good time.

We most firmly believe what we least know.

We must believe in free will. We have no choice.

We must laugh at man, to avoid crying for him.

We need more unemployed politicians.

We NEVER grow up, we just get older, and older.

We now return to our regularly scheduled flame-throwing.

We read to say that we have read.

We tend to forget that our birthplace was never an Eden.

We walk on like an elephant and back off like a giraffe.

We will find no ancestor before his time.

We're all different, but then again we're all the same.

We're all in this alone.

We're beating the bushes in search of a president.

We're born free and taxed to death.

We're looking for a few good men.

We're lost, but we're making good time.

We're off to see the wizard, he's sure to have an answer.

We've replaced the Dilithium with new Folger's Crystals.

Wear old clothes when you fight for truth and liberty.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Wedding: A funeral where you smell your own flowers.

Welcome to California. Now please go home.

Well begun is half done.

Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 instead of a V-8.

Whales are a lot like humans. Only they mate for life.

What a day may bring, a day may take away.

What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it.

What can you compare the universe with?

What CAN you get a nudist for Christmas?

What comes around goes around.

What do you mean that I need a license to do that?

What do you mean that my urine sample is too small?

What doesn't destroy me makes me stronger.

What fools these morals be!

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.

What good does it do an ass to be called a lion?

What grammar is to speech, logic is to reason.

What hallucinations?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

What if they gave a war and only one side came?

What if we put bandaid on the Panama Canal and it healed?

What is a lie but the truth in drag?

What is learned in youth is understood in age.

What is the world to a man when his wife is a widow?

What is this thing anyway? The Discordian Society?

What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.

What kind of cars do Proctologists drive? Ford Probes.

What light speed? I can even surpass dark speed.

What, me ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

What orators lack in depth, they give in length.

What results from using spot remover on your dog Spot?

What Saddam Hussein's mom said: Abort, Retry, Fail?

What should you give a nudist for Christmas?

What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals.

What the !@#$ were you expecting for me to put here?

What the heck just happened here?

What the hell, go and put all your eggs in one basket.

What the text giveth, the footnote taketh away.

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

What time is it at the North Pole?

What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

What we need are 0-wait-state shopping lines....

What would *YOU* do for a Klondike Bar?

What you want, must, and need to do are seldom congruent.

What youth deemed crystal, age finds was dew.

What's all this fuss about endangered feces?

What's in a name, anyway? Everything and nothing.

What's the matter Colonel Sanders.......CHICKEN?

What's the point-spread on World War III?

What's the world coming to when your monitor stares back.

What's up doc?

Whatever advice you give, be brief.

Whatever is well conceived can be well expressed.

Whatever it is, whenever it occurs, I'm against it.

Whatever you delete today, you desperately need tomorrow.

Whatever you have, spend less.

Whatsa matter Colonel Sanders.......CHICKEN?

When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?

When a subject becomes obsolete, it becomes required.

When agnostics die, do they go to the Great Perhaps?

When all else fails, read the instructions.

When all else fails, consult Jack Daniels.

When all else is lost, the future still remains.

When all else fails, I STILL refuse to read the docs.

When all else fails, dig out the dusty user's manual.

When all else is lost, the future still remains.

When all think alike, then no one is thinking.

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

When choosing between two evils, select the newer one.

When CPR fails, does the doctor order "Barium?"

When dangling, watch your participles.

When down in the mouth, think of Jonah, he came out OK.

When everyone thinks alike, then everyone is stupid.

When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When facts meet the legend, go with the legend.

When God made man, She was joking.

When I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.

When in charge, ponder.

When in Chicago you must vote early and vote often.

When in doubt stop thinking and all doubt will go away.

When in doubt, mumble..

When in doubt, make it sound convincing.

When in doubt, make a backup.

When in doubt, use brute force.

When in doubt; Cheat.

When in trouble, delegate.

When is the last time the Haggis Fairy visited you?

When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.

When no wind blows, even the weather vane has character.

When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns

When seeking love give nothing. Finding love give all.

When someone turns things around, don't get run over.

When the bad combine, the good must associate.

When the eagles are silent the parrots begin to jabber.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.

When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.

When things go wrong, don't go with them.

When things go wrong, just don't go with them.

When uncertain, or in doubt, run in circles and scream.

When we are not sure, we are alive.

When we can't dream the time for death has arrived.

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you castrate a "Q", do you get an "O?"

When you deal with the insane, always pretend you're sane

When you do nothing, can you know when you're finished?

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

When you find anything that works, it usually fails.

When you get there, there's no there there.

When you go to the market, use your eyes, not your ears.

When you gotta go, you gotta go!

When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.

When you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

When you try too hard to save face, you lose your ass.

When you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Whenever possible, put people on hold.

Where are those flashbacks they promised me?

Where are we going? Why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where can I fnid a spell chequer for taglines?

Where can I find a synonym, for "thesaurus?"

Where citizens count, subjects are slaves.

Where did we all come from in the first place?

Where do 'cannot' and 'must' meet on this graph?

Where do honey bees go potty? At a BP station naturally.

Where do these stairs go? --- "They go up."

Where do you go to catch anorexia?

Where do you find the time to not read so many books?

Where is everything? All I typed was "Format c:".

Where is the STUN setting on a Laser Printer?

Where law ends, there tyranny begins.

Where men are outlawed, only outlaws are men.

Where no feline has gone before...

Where no man has.. where no ONE has.. to hell with it.

Where there is no shame, there is no honor.

Where there is a will, I want to be in it.

Where there is a stink feces there is the odor of being.

Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.

Where you've been means much less than where you're going

Where's there's smoke, there's toast.

Wherever you came from, you're not there now.

While eating an elephant advance one bite at a time.

Whip me, beat me, crush me, is this wrestling or what?

White belt + white shoes = a "full Cleveland."

Who has the bread makes the laws.

Who is the Grateful Dead, and why do they follow me?

Who needs comedians? Journalists are much more laughable

Who says you can't have it all?

Who to himself is law, no law doth need.

Who would understand youth must know old age.

Who's the designated driver? This mouse is loaded.

Who's the Round Table's roundest knight? Sir Cumference.

Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.

Why are there so many gnarly limbs on my family tree?

Why are there so many fools on the road?

Why attack God? He may be as sad about us as we are.

Why call them "apartments" if they're all together?

Why can't women remember to put the seat back up?

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

Why did CNN cancel that cool "Desert Storm" show?

Why did I ever start this, anyway?

Why do I always shrug my shoulders? I have no idea.

Why do kamakazi pilots where helmets?

Why do Kennedy's cry after sex? ..... Mace!

Why do they call them briefings when they take so long?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway?

Why do we seem to operate best at a 90^ angle to reality?

Why do we get so old before we learn how to be young?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Why don't cats like to swim? Why don't many fish fly?

Why don't many cats swim? Why don't many fish fly?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is bread so dear and flesh and blood so cheap?

Why is it that there are never enough days in a weekend?

Why is it that if you leave the room, you're elected?

Why is nothing is quite so unexpected as the truth?

Why is the alphabet in that order, because of the song?

Why is there a permanent press setting on an iron?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why should I have to pay a troll just to cross a bridge?

Why solve problems you can bypass with a GOTO?

Why use a big, long word when a diminutive one will do?

Why waste time learning, ignorance comes with the turf?

Why would a wood chuck want to chuck wood anyway?

Wie geht's dir heute?

Wild asses are not yet extinct.

Will people in the CIS be known as sissies?

Will Rogers never met Saddam Hussein.

Will your great-grandchildren know you existed and how?

Window-screen: An arrangement for keeping flies in.

Windows 3.0 - From the people who brought you EDLIN.

Windows 3.0 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

Windows Error: 004 -- Operator fell asleep while waiting.

Windows, icons, mouse and pointer = WIMP.

Windows is a disease - but is OS/2 v2.0 the cure?

Windows is a real pane ;{

Windows, Just Say No.

Windows would be better with curtains.

Windows: An answer to a question nobody has ever asked.

Windows? !Por Favor, No Rompa Mis Cojones! Gracias!

Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.

Winning isn't everything, but wanting to win is.

Winter in Arizona falls on a Tuesday this year.

Wisdom of many and the wit of a half.

Wise men in love act the fool.

Wise men learn much from fools. Wise guys don't.

Wit is the spice of conversation, not the food.

Witches who misbehave are sent to their broom.

With clothes the new are best, with friends the old.

With consequences, the unexpected always predominate.

With foxes we must play the fox.

With fronds like you, who needs anemones?

With our judgements as our watches, none go just alike.

With people, reach should exceed grasp. Try for heaven.

With sin, a human falls into it, a saint grieves at it.

With some foreign food the less authentic, the better.

With some it isn't the thought, it's the gift behind it.

With two ways to spell a word, the wrong one will be used

Without creation there could be no destruction.

Without death, life has no meaning.

Without fingers you cannot even thumb your nose.

Without fools there would be no wisdom.

Without love and trust all you can be in life is alone.

Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless

Without time everything would happen at once.

Witty tag line placed here. -->

Women and elephants never forget real or supposed injury.

Women do come with instructions, ask them!

Women go on diets. Men just eat less... and grow fat.

Women take to good hearted men. Also from.

Women's clothes: Go to extremes, seldom to extremities.

Words and ideas are what change our world.

Words are not food, though sometimes we must eat them.

Words are the voice of the heart.

Words DO NOT have meanings, people do.

Words must be weighed, not counted.

Words, words, words. And no place to put them all.

Work is for those who have nothing better to do.

World peace will only come when patriotism is forgotten.

World to end at 5:00pm. See it on the 11:00pm news.

World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Worry is the interest paid on trouble in advance.

Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.

would have suffered a lot more if I'd been understood.

Would she be happy with a Pet Rock instead?

wwhhaatt ddooeess ffuull dduupplleexx mmeeaann??

X minus 6 weeks and counting.

Xerox never comes up with anything original anymore.

Xpress yourself.

Yawn: The only time some men get to open their mouths.

Yea, yea..once a hobby, now an expensive addiction.

Yeah, but what's the speed of DARK?

Yeah...and some day the sun will die out.

Year: A period of 365 failures and disappointments.

Yes Dear, just a few more minutes....

Yes-men: Fellows who hang around the man nobody noes.

Yes my son, long ago mail was read 1 packet at a time.

Yesterday I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

Yield to temptation; It may not pass your way again.

you can pretend to be serious, but not witty.

You always find it in the last place you look.

You always swat where he's not, or if he is aha! a spot.

You are always entitled to your own stupid opinion.

You are an example of why some animals eat their young.

You are magnetic in your bearing.

You are only young once, but it is easy to stay immature.

You aren't born happy, you must make it for yourself.

You aren't here forever, enjoy each day as a miracle.

You can always easily find anything you don't want.

You can always make room for one more. Except a new baby.

You can choose your friends, but you only have one mother

You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.

You can fool all people, except but you can't fool Mom.

You can judge a man by how he keeps his golf score.

You can judge the success of a man by his bodyguards.

You can multi-task on C-64s... keep a multitude of them.

You can never stand still nor go backwards in time.

You can observe a lot by watching.

You can only be truly free if everyone else is truly free

You can teach an old dog new tricks, under protest.

You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

You can write until sated, but no one must read it.

You can't do that. It's been digitally cursed.

You can't eat your friends and have them too.

You can't fall off the floor.

You can't fool me, that's DIRTY DANCING, I see.

You can't get there from here.

You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.

You can't judge Egypt by Aida.

You can't jump a canyon in two leaps.

You can't step twice into the same river.

You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit.

You cannot be too careful in the choice of your enemies.

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

You disagree? May I plea guilty by reason of sanity?

You don't have to think too hard when talking to teachers

You got to stop screwing around, daddy.

You got to start somewhere if you're going end elsewhere.

You have been selected for a secret mission.

You have to be an antique to appreciate them.

You Klingon son, you killed my bastard! Got that wrong.

You know you're really old when stop buying green bananas

You learn as much by writing as you do by reading.

You live and you learn - or you don't live long.

You make it we take it.

You may be a loser for a long time before you realize it.

You may be recognized soon. Perhaps you should hide?

You may be Southern -- but you're no Comfort.

You may use this tagline 30 days before registering.

You might say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not asleep.

You might want to get a band-aid for that.

You must know your limits to break through them.

You must know much before you know how little you know.

You must realize: Sweatwork is the only road to fitness.

You never have to explain things you never said.

You never know unless you ask, answer not guaranteed.

You obviously mistook me for someone who knows.

You realize how short a month when you pay alimony.

You spotted snakes with double tongue... be not seen.

You tell 'em Hard-Boiled Egg, you're hard to beat.

You tell 'em Bank, you're safe.

You tell 'em Hunter, I'm game.

You tell 'em Mountain, I'm only a bluff.

You tell 'em Calendar, you've got lots of dates.

You tell 'em June, And don't July.

You tell 'em Piano, you're upright and square.

You tell 'em Cemetery, you are so grave.

You tell 'em Dentist, you've got the pull.

You tell 'em Simon, I'll Legree.

You tell 'em Moon, you're out all night.

You tell 'em Cashier, I'm a poor teller.

You tell 'em Bean, He's stringing you.

You tell 'em Gambler, you've got winning ways.

You tell 'em Doctor, you've got the patience.

You tell 'em Operator, you've got their number.

You tell 'em Playing Cards, you know the joker.

You tell 'em Church Bell, I told you.

You tell 'em Hunter, I'm a duck.

You tell 'em Clock, you've got the time.

You tell 'em Brake, you've got the drag.

You tell 'em Custard Pie, you've got the crust.

You tell 'em Electricity, you can shock 'em.

You tell 'em Railroad, It's not along my line.

You tell 'em Chloroform, you can put them to sleep.

You tell 'em Bald Head, you're smooth.

You tell 'em Submarine, I can't seaplane.

You tell 'em Teacher, you've got the class.

You tell 'em Cigarette, you're lit up.

You tell 'em Goldfish, you've been around the globe.

You tell 'em Skyscraper, you have more than one story.

You tell 'em Horse, you carry a tale.

You tell 'em Manicurist, I've been trimmed.

You tell 'em September Morn, no one has anything on you.

You tell 'em Cucumber, I've been pickled.

You tell 'em Shoemaker, you know awl.

You tell 'em Dough, you're well bred.

You tell 'em Cat, That's what you're fur.

You tell 'em Dictionary, you're full of information.

You tell 'em Cabbage, you've got the head.

You tell 'em Butcher, you've got a lot of tongue.

You tell 'em Envelope, you're well posted.

You tell 'em Printer, I'm not your type.

You tell 'em Banana, you've been skinned.

You think you have troubles? Even my sundial is slow.

You will be a winner today. Fight with a four-year-old.

You win some and you lose some. But think qualitatively.

You'll always overlook one of those pins in a new shirt.

You'll never find it, in all that loose clothing.

You'll never know until you ask the right source.

You're being followed, cut out hanky-panky for a few days

You're really hard up if you steal *this* tagline.

You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.

Young gorillas are friendly, but they soon learn.

Youngsters remember anything if it happened or not.

Your best response: Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.

Your call will be answered in the order it was ignored.

Your code is theoretically beautiful, but it won't work.

Your future, with the Maker or the Baker is up to you.

Your karma just ran over my dogma.

Your lucky color is fading.

Your mileage may vary.

Your sin, was it of omission, commission, or emission?

Your solution stinks. The problem is very interesting.

Your sweet words suck a morning dew off the honeysuckle.

Your trouble is that your absence makes good company.

Your Yin and Yang are no longer on speaking terms.

Youth + confidence + myopia = naivete.

Youth, a habit of hers so long she couldn't part with it.

Youth isn't a time of life, but a state of mind.

Youthful figure: What you get when asking a woman's age.

Zippy the pinhead is a twit.

ZMODEM has bigger bits, softer blocks, and tighter ASCII.

[... text deleted for brevity ...]

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REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)

A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago

... Bad command or filename. Go stand in the corner

... Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

... RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory

Only XT users know that January 1, 1980 was a Tuesday

OS/2 - where's the other half?

A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far

... He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

What's this red button fo|+>#++NO CARRIER

Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.

Hardware: The part you kick.

Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!!

Who IS General Failure... And why is he reading my harddrive?

... I'm MAD! This 386 doesn't spel any better than the XT!

Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

Armadillo: Nature's failed attempt to traffic-proof the possum.

Can't find COLDBEER.CAN, SysOp not loaded.

Can't find , Operator halted!

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy

1 good turn gets all the blankets

Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue.

Data Compressed, but he didn't like it.

McBorg: Over 50 million assimilated!

IRS: Income Reduction Service

A Social Life? Where can I download THAT From?

To a cat, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking"...

Floppy not responding, format Sysop instead?

The Apathy Anonymous meeting was cancelled due to lack of interest.

is OS/2 only half an operating system?

Vodka + milk of magnesia: Phillips screwdriver...

To err is human, to really screw up you need a computer!

Help... I've callen and I can't hang up!

Quoth the Raven: File Access DENIED, forevermore.

Double your hard drive space! DELETE WINDOWS!

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Love is Grand. Divorce is Fifty Grand!

The only time I open my mouth is to change feet.

DO NOT DISTURB... already disturbed.

Afraid of heights? Not me, I'm afraid of widths!

Whoever decided to limit taglines to a single line can just kiss my

When you write an original tagline, it's good to be sure and plan ahea

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.

I'm on the phon $%5@@%$@@)9y NO CARRIER

I threw caution to the wind. It threw it back. I ducked.

Friends don't let friends use Macintosh!

Frogs are smart... they EAT what bugs them.

Stupidity is not a handicap. You have to park elsewhere.

Computer Malfunction...Nut Loose In Operator's Chair...

Fatal Error 3.14: I'm bored. Computing PI to last digit.

Fatal Error 999: Dyslexic computer possessed by devil.

I once thought I was dead, but I was just off-line.

If it walks out of the refrigerator, let it go!

Flying saucers are real; the Air Force doesn't exist.

Healthcare Virus: Tests system, finds nothing wrong, bills you $4,500.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence???

I will fight for your right to your wrong opinion.

...and then this novice asked me where the "any" key was!

Despite the cost of living, it remains popular!

A job is nice but it interferes with my BBS'ing...

Man is the only animal that blushes ... or needs to

Tomato paste: what you use to fix broken tomatoes.

What do you mean my Birth Certificate expired?

Filthy stinking rich - two out of three ain't bad

Beethoven composed for 43 years...then he decomposed.

Please hassle me, I thrive on stress

Clinton/Gore: Error - division by zero.

It doesn't HAVE to make sense... It's the law!

Life is what's happening to you while you're making plans...

If you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast!

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall ...

Beeeep! This is a test of the emergency tagline system.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, & those who can't.

Bungee Jumping, makes WWF Wrestling look intelligent!

I'll have one brain on drugs with bacon and toast.

Hey, Worf. I hooked Data up to a Modem. Wanna see?

I am always exact and precise (more or less).

And then God said, "No, I meant a BUD light!"

Computing is a terminal disease.....

Pets are fun. My cat likes to play Hide-and-go-puke.

I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.

If you choose not to decide you have still made a choice.

Better an incorrect optimist than a correct pessimist.

HD Recovery: see online documentation....

All 'isms' are really 'wasms'.

For a REAL sponge cake. BORROW all the ingredients.

Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.

Psycho ceramics: The study of crackpots.

Old folks give good advice,because they can no longer set bad examples

CONGRESS - transforming energy into solid waste.

Tact: Recalling a lady's birthday but forgetting her age.

True terror: A female Klingon with PMS.

If I made myself clear. Let me know and I'll start over.

A penny saved is a congressional oversight.

Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error-correcting!

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

A mind is a waste of a terrible thing.

A clear conscience is usually the result of bad memory.

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

You know you're dieting when postage stamps taste good.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Money isn't everything...usually it isn't even enough...

Bacteria: Rear entrance to a cafeteria.

Junk: Something you need the day after you throw it away

Rule 4: There will be NO RULE FOUR!!

Error reading FAT Table. Try Skinny one? (Y/N

.. I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

"If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos

Even a broken clock is right twice a day

For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord!

Virgin: a tagline that has not been stolen.

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

German word for constipation, Farfrompoopin!

9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women.

Madness takes its toll. Have exact change ready

The secret of the universe is~~*#~** FF * NO CARRIER

The sex was so good, even the neighbors lit cigarettes.

If this were an actual tagline, it would be funny.

It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.

If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille

As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419.

Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?

Preserve wildlife... pickle a rat.

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

74% of all statistics are made up on the spot

... Five words every college grad knows..."You want fries with that?"

... Bad statisticians get Disfigured

... I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

... ALWAYS tell the truth - Unless something better is handy

... A coward is a hero with a family and mortgage.

The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist.

You either surf or you fight.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning... Smells like victory.

When I was here, all I could think of was being there. When I was there, all I could think of was getting back.

First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me.Good... Bad... I'm the guy with the gun.

It's so small, they recently had the whole country carpeted.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

The chip. The British contribution to world cuisine.

You don't wanna get laid, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you gotta talk to 'em.

Linda Emery: A philosophy major? Now, what can you do with a philosophy major? Bruce Lee: You can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.

"Shakespeare once said: Life is pretty stupid, with lot's of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much...I'm paraphrasing of course." --L.A. Story

Sally:"So a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?" Harry:"No, you pretty much want to nail them, too"

Women, you can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em.

"An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition! It's not just saying 'no, it isn't'!" - "Yes it is!" - "No it isn't!!"

Men should be like Kleenex- soft, strong and disposable.

Sometimes I even amaze myself.- Han Solo, Empire Strikes Back

Jamie Lee Curtis -"You think your an intellectual, don't you ape?" Kevin Kline -"Apes don't read philosophy." Jamie Lee Curtis -"Yes they do Otto, they just don't understand it!"

"I wasn't kidding. I do have a test today. It's on European Socialism. What's the big deal? I'm not European. I don't plan on becoming European. So why should I care if they're socialists? They could be facist, anarchist pigs. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car." --Ferris Bueller (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want

Evil Robot Ted: Aim for the cat, dude! Aim for a cat!

Bill S. Preston: You totally killed us, you evil metal dickweeds!

Epstein: Why do you think I'm a homosexual? Eugene: I guess it's because you never talk about girls. Epstein: I never talk about dogs either. Does that make me a cocker spaniel?

Sgt. Toomey: You would need three promotions to be an asshole.

Deckard: I have had people walk out on me before, but not when I was being so charming.

Leon: Nothing is worse than having an itch you can never scratch!

Leon: Wake up! Time to die

Roy Batty: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

Frank Booth: Nobody fucks with me! Jeffrey Beaumont: Oh - maybe if you find the right girl...

Elwood Blues: Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Elwood Blues: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God

Elwood Blues: It's a 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Jake Blues: Hit it!

Matty Walker: You're not very bright, are you? I like that in a man.

John Bender: But face it. You're a neo maxi zoom dweebie, what would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?

Molly: ...you have no respect for women. Joe: I guess dinner and a blow job's out of the question. Molly: I guess. Joe: We'll forget dinner..

Ugarte: You despise me, don't you? Rick Blaine: If I gave you any thought I probably would.

Yvonne: Will I see you tonight? Rick Blaine: I never make plans that far ahead.

Rick Blaine: And remember, this gun is pointed right at your heart. Captain Louis Renault: That is my least vulnerable spot.

Wife: Didn't your mother teach you to wash your hands after you went to the bathroom? Bobby Grady: No, she taught me not to piss on my fingers

Juliette Forrest: What does "Foc" mean? Rigby Reardon: It's a slang word. When a man and a woman are in love, the man puts his--- Juliette Forrest: No, no. Here: "F. O. C."

Rigby Reardon: My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.

Big Boy Caprice: Wait a minute! Wait. Wait. I'm having a thought. Oh yes. Oh yes. I'm going to have a thought. It's coming. It's coming. ...It's gone.

Elliot: How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

Han Solo: That's a good story. I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight. Princess Leia Organa: I don't know where you get you delusions, laser brain!

C-3PO: R2 says that the chances of survival are 725 to 1. Actually R2 has been known to make mistakes - from time to time... Oh dear...

Princess Leia Organa: I love you. Han Solo: I know.

Demon: I'll swallow your soul!! I'll swallow your soul!! [Ash points his shotgun at the Demon's head] Ash: Swallow this

William "D-FENS" Foster: I'm the bad guy??? How did that happen?

George Banks: And don't forget to fasten your condoms! ...Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.

Ferris Bueller: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you would have a diamond.

Ed Rooney: I don't trust this kid any farther than I can throw him. Grace: With your bad knee Ed, you shouldn't throw anybody.

Ming the Merciless: Pathetic earthlings. Who can save you now?

Kees Flodder: He Sjonny, geile wijfe!

Forrest's Mother: Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get

Brian Kelly: Can I ask you something personal? Tina Trac: Sure... Brian Kelly: Where's the bathroom?

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk? Auric Goldfinger: No Mr. Bond! I expect you to die!

Manolo: You must be Sasha. Jonathan: You must be going.

Phil Connors: Can I talk to you about a matter that is not work-related? Rita: You never talk about work.

Felix's Wife: Dr. Connors. I want to thank you for fixing Felix's back. He can even help around the house again. Phil Connors: I'm sorry to hear that, Felix

David Greenhill: ..see people like us Miriam, we're ... we're warm; but she's a ... she's an attorney.

Kurgan: Nuns. No sense of humor

Kurgan: It's better to burn out, than to fade away!

Myerson: Now I know what the FBI stands for. `Fucking, Ball-busting Imbeciles'!

Ed Okin: Are we under arrest or what? FBI Agent: I think you fall into the 'or what' category.

Mr. Miyagi: No such thing, bad student. Only bad teacher.

George Kuffs: I got women to do, places to see!

Baldrick, you wouldn't recognize a cunning plan if it painted itself purple, danced on a harpsycord and sang: 'Cunning plans are here again'.

The certain proof that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that no one has bothered to make contact with us

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to the garage makes you a car

It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

If my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.

Flattery is all right, if you don't inhale.

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

That's a great outfit you're wearing . . . I have just the perfect hanger for it.

In this life all that I have is my word and my balls and I do not break them for nobody - Al Capone

"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. "For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'"

"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea...

There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."

This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that I should have been more specific.

Life is wasted on the living.- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV

In the beginning I was made. I didn't ask to be made. No one consulted me or considered my feelings in this matter. But if it brought some passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way through life's mournful jungle then so be it.- Marvin the Paranoid Android

To be, or what?- Sylvester Stallone

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. - Joseph Fischer

"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again." -- Marvin The Paranoid Android

"Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone. " Anthony Burgess

"Space...is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space. " Douglas Adams

In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea. - Douglas Adam

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

Sorry, no quote today.

There are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't.

Gravity doesn't excist, the earth sucks.

Blind men don't bungi jump, it scares the dog too much.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing - Mark Twain

Humor is the shortest distance between two people - Henry Youngman

The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bed. - Geoffrey Gorer

"It is a good thing to follow the first law of holes; if you are in one stop digging. " Denis Healey

In his novel ''Dog Years,'' Gunter Grass parodies Heideggerese in the character of a German Air Force auxiliary named Stortebeker, who ''created a philosophical schoolboy language that was soon prattled by many, with varying success.'' Every commonplace incident or object can be rechristened in Stortebeker/Heidegger's hilarious language. Underdone potatoes in the mess kitchen, for example, are ''spuds forgetful of Being.'' Stortebeker relaxes by catching rats, so they are the object of some of his best ruminations: ''The rat withdraws itself by unconcealing itself into the ratty. So the rat errates the ratty, illuminating it with errancy. For the ratty has come-to-be in the errancy where the rat errs and so fosters error.''

Does anyone REALLY read these stupid quotes?

ebius tagline. This is a moebius tagline. This is a mo

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Life is sexually transmitted.

A good laugh is sunshine in a house. (William Makepeace Thackeray)

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

I have great faith in fools--self-confidence my friends call it. (Edgar Allan Poe)

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong. (Anonymous)

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better. (Karl Marx's mother)

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. (Ambrose Bierce)

I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress. (Jane Siberry)

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: My Reality Check bounced.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

He who laughs, lasts.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

Ford Prefect: We're safe. Arthur Dent: Ah. Good. Ford Prefect: We're in a cabin of one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet. Arthur Dent: Ah. This is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I hadn't previously been aware of.

Announcer: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy lies a small, unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly 92 million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a really neat idea.

Arthur Dent: You know, it's at times like this, when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young. Ford Prefect: Why? What did she tell you? Arthur Dent: I don't know. I didn't listen.

Announcer: Men were real men. Women were real women. And small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were *real* small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.

Marvin: It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Computer, if you don't open that exit hatch pretty damn pronto, I shall go straight to your major data banks with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming you will never forget, capisco? [Pause] Okay. Get the axe.

Marvin: Life. Loathe it or ignore it. You can't like it.

Slartibartfast: Is that your robot? Marvin: No. I'm mine.

Dish of the Day: Good evening, madame and gentlemen. I am the main dish of the day. May I interest you in parts of my body?

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, Ford! How many escape capsules are there? Ford Prefect: None. Zaphod Beeblebrox: You counted them? Ford Prefect: Twice.

"Life without you would be like a broken pencil." "How's that?" "Completely pointless." (Blackadder, Series II)

98% of all statistics are made up. (Anonymous)

Blind people don't bungee jump. It scares the dog too much.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

When it's fall in New York, the air smells like as if someone's been frying goats in it, and if you are keen to breath the best plan is to open a window and stick your head in a building. -- Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

...and the aptly named 'Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film'. -- Monty Python

10 out of 5 doctors think it's OK to be schizofrenic.

2 + 2 = 5, for sufficiently large values of 2.

Roses are red Violets are blue Some poems rhyme But not this

Quotations are for people who aren't saying things worth quoting.

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyways?

I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

There are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't.

Better three hours too soon than one minute too late. - Shakespeare

Boss or Leader? A Boss creates fear; A Leader creates confidence. Bossism creates resentment; Leadership breeds enthusiasm. A Boss says:I; A Leader says:We. A Boss fixes blame; A Leader fixes mistakes. A Boss knows how; A Leader shows how. Bossism makes work drudgery; Leadership makes work interesting. A Boss relies on authority; A Leader relies on co-operation. A Boss drives; A Leader leads. - Anonymous

Effective managers manage themselves and the people they work with so that both the organization and the people profit from their presence. - Dan Kelly and all his friends Illinois

Buying cheap to save money is like stopping the clock to save time neither works. - Quote from Think and Grow Rich

Excellent firms don't believe in excellence Only in constant improvement and constant change. - Tom Peters

Feel the power of team work; If you know that a drop of water easily gets dried And a pool of water hardly gets dried. - Brian Hu

Advice is like snow; The softer it falls the longer it dwells upon And the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Authority does not make you a leader It gives you the opportunity to be one. - Anonymous

Be thankful for problems or idiots would have your job. - Author unknown

Criticize and complain diplomatically: Praise something else first. - Contributed by Amit Shah

If you don't care, your customers never will. - Marlene Blaszczyk

Lead by example not by force. - Contributed by Dan Kelly and all his friends Illinois

Motivate them train them care about them and make winners out of them we know that if we treat our employees correctly they'll treat the customers right and if customers are treated right they'll come back. - J Marriot, Jr.

Motivation is what gets you started habit is what keeps you going. - Jim Ryun

Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. - Contributed by Jeff Pappas

Obstacles are the those frightful things you see When you take your mind off your goals. - Contributed by Sophie & Charlotte Burtt

Partnerships are the basis for success. - Neal Prescot Washington

People who feel good about themselves, produce good results. - Submitted by Dan Kelly and all his friends Illinois

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go. - William Feather

The bitterness of poor quality remains long after low pricing is forgotten!!! - Leon M CautilloIf

The desire to have things done quickly Invariably prevents them from being done thoroughly. - Sent by Jody C Burnett California

The most important thing in communication is hearing What isn't being said. - Anonymous

The only safe ship in a storm is leadership. - Contributed by Nadine Bent Pennsylvania

The sale begins when the customer says yes. - Harvey Mackay

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

To lead a symphony You must occasionally turn your back on the crowd. - Anonymous

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Ask five economists and you'll get five different answers (six if one went to Harvard).. - Edgar R. Fiedler

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.. - John Kenneth Galbraith

Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. - Keynes

Money couldnt buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan

An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides. - John H. Patterson

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex: you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it, and thought of other things if you did.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

When its a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. - Voltaire

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. - Anonymous

Use soft words in hard arguments. - H. G. Bohn, 1855

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. - Caskie Stinnett

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value. - Albert Einstein

There are two rules for success... 1) Never tell everything you know. - Roger H. Lincoln

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. - Jean Gieraudoux

If you wish to be a sucess in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing. - Napoleon Bonaparte

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes theother 90% of the time.

Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!

I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Price. Quality. Service: Pick two.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties.

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

"Granted, Mr Wheeler's ideas are stupid and unreasonable, but he does own the company and I think we should go along with him..."

"Illegitmitatum Non Carborundum Est" - Never let the bastards grind you down!

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. - Harry Emerson Fosdick

Consider the past and you shall know the future. - Chinese Proverb

You can't get where you want to go if you don't know where you are.

To many time we confuse motion with progress. - Cyclops

If I wished to punish a province, I would have it governed by philosophers. - Frederick II, the Great

The best way to predict your future is to create it.

If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

The goal of the works of a genius' existance lies only in itself.

Pleasure and joy are deceptive

Analytic and romantic understanding should be united at a basic level. Reassimilate the passions from which the rational mind fled. - R.M.Pirsig

Fear is the mind killer. - Paul Muad'Ib

To have and to want more that is life. - F. Nietzsche

All our wanting comes from needs, thus we continiously suffer. The intellect teaches free will, free from suffering. - Arthur Schopenhauer

Knowing others is Wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment. - LaoTzu

The Truth is realized in an instant; the Act is practiced step by step. - Zen saying

If you work on your mind with your mind, how can you avoid immense confusion? - Seng-Ts'an

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; Seek what they sought. - Basho

Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself. - Chinese Proverb

Knock on the sky and listen to the sound! - Zen saying

Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others. - Edward Abbey

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. - African Proverb

The man who has no imagination has no wings. - Muhammad Ali

The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. - Muhammad Ali

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. - Poul Anderson

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but rather, 'hmm.... that's funny...'. - Isaac Asimov

History does not repeat itself. Historians repeat each other. - Arthur Balfour

Behind every great fortune there is a crime. - Honore de Balzac

...the myth of socialism is far stronger than the reality of capitalism. That is because capitalism is not really an ism at all. It is what people do if you leave them alone. - Arnold Beichmen, Hoover Institute Fellow

Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)

There's nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know. - Ambrose Bierce

Never express yourself more clearly than you think. - N. Bohr

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - Niels Bohr

You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. - Neils Bohr to Albert Einstein

Ability is nothing without opportunity. - Napoleon Bonaparte

In politics an absurdity is not a handicap. - Napoleon Bonaparte

If you are not an idealist by the time you are twenty you have no heart, but if you are still an idealist by the time you are thirty, you don't have a head. - Randolph Bourne

There's no government like no government. - Bumper sticker, seen in Berkeley, CA

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great. - Comte de Bussy-Rabutin

Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse. - James Carswell

How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone. - Coco Chanel

One sees great things from the valley, only small things from the peak. - G. K. Chesterton

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. - Chinese Proverb

Behind an able man there are always other able men. - Chinese Proverb

In shallow waters, shrimps make fools of dragons. - Chinese Proverb

Judge not the horse by his saddle. - Chinese Proverb

The palest ink is better than the best memory. - Chinese Proverb

The wise man learns more from his enemies than a fool does from his friends. - Chinese Proverb

When you want to test the depths of a stream, don't use both feet. - Chinese Proverb

I like a man who grins when he fights. - Winston Churchill

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Winston Churchill

The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter. - Winston Churchill

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. - Arthur C Clarke

Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. - Confucius

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail. - Confucius

The superior man is distressed by the limitation of his ability; he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability he has. - Confucius

Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile. - Sean Connery

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. - Joan Crawford

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. - Marie Curie

A man who dares to waste an hour of time has not discovered the value of life. - Charles Darwin

There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear. - Daniel Dennett

If there are no stupid questions, then what sort of questions do stupid people ask? - Dogbert

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. - Dykstra

I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice. - - Clint Eastwood

Results! Why man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work. - Thomas Alva Edison

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. - Albert Einstein

Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber. - Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

The only way to have a friend is to be one. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Scitum est inter caecos luscum regnare posse. (It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.) - Gerard Didier Erasmus

It is never too late to be what you might have been. - Farmer's Almanac, 1995

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right. - Jim Fiebig

If you understand, things are as they are. If you do not understand, things are as they are. - Gensha, Zen Master

The dogmatist within is always worse than the enemy without. - S.J. Gould

The market is not an invention of capitalism. It has existed for centuries. It is an invention of civilization. - Mikhail Gorbachev

When a man's knowledge is deep, he speaks well of an enemy. Instead of seeking revenge, he extends unexpected generosity. He turns insult into humor, ... and astonishes his adversary who finds no reason not to trust him. - Baltasar Gracian

Knowledge is power. - Thomas Hobbes

A person's maturity consists in having found again the seriousness one had as a child, at play. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book. - Friedrich Nietzsche

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. - P.J. O'Rourke

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. - P.J. O'Rourke

Most people get a fair amount of fun out of their lives, but on balance life is suffering, and only the very young or very foolish imagine otherwise. - George Orwell

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell

All great truths begin as blasphemies. - George Bernard Shaw

A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. - George Bernard Shaw

There is no love sincerer than the love of food. - George Bernard Shaw

Logic is a tweeting bird in a green meadow. - Mr. Spock

The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. - Cornelius Tacitus

For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and big words Bother me. - Winnie the Pooh

You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. - Boris Yeltsin

Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.

Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of panty hose. - James Finke, President, Commodore International Ltd. (1982)

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. - Dick Brandon

A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1

A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.

A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.

A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

A computer's attention span is only as long as its extension cord.

A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.

A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. - Laura Creighton

A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth

A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant.

A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.

A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. - Johnson

A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?

A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?

A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.

AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.

ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.

Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - Brook

Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it.

After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.

All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.

All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

All you need to know is the user interface. - J. Redford

An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - D. E. Knuth

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.

Another megabytes the dust.

Any given program will expand to fill available memory.

Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Kulawiec

Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert

As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.

Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.

Avoid temporary variables and strange women.

Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).

Avoid unnecessary branches.

BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour Papert

halted... cereal port not responding!

Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?

Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?

Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.

Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program.

Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer

Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein

Brain fried; core dumped.

Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.

Breakthrough: It nearly booted on the first try.

C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.

C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!

CCCP:> format CCCP: /u

CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..

Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!

Choose variable names that will not be confused.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Computer Science: Solving today's problems tomorrow.

Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS

Computer programmers do it byte by byte.

Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.

Computers are only human.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso

Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.

Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. - Thomas

Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.

Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan

Customer: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain.

DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.

Debugger: A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought.

Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget.

Design: The activity of preparing for a design review.

Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.

Disc space, the final frontier!

Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Do you like me for my brain or my baud?

Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?"

Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.

Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.

Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.

Don't document the program; program the document.

Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.

Don't let the computer bugs bite!

Don't stop at one bug.

Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.

EBCDIC: Erase, Back up, Chew Disk, Ignite Card

E Pluribus UNIX.

Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.

Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen

Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.

Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...

Every bug you find is the last one.

Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.

Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.

Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.

Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!

Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation.

Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. - Kulawiec

Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.

Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India.

Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.

Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.

From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*

Futuristic: It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.

Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.

Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.

Hackers have kernel knowledge.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!

Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...

Honey, I Formatted the Kid!

Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N)

How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...

How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.

I am the computer your mother warned you about.

I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - - Isaac Asimov

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

I just found the last bug.

I modem, but they grew back.

I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.

I smell a wumpus.

I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. - Turing

I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!

I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.

I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes.

If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan

If a program is useful, it must be changed.

If a program is useless, it must be documented.

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.

If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer

If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.

Implementation is the sincerest form of flattery.

In /dev/null no one can hear you scream

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid

In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - Alan Perlis

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.

It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?

It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!

It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. - Wilkes, 1949

It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your child processes are?

It's here at last: We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.

It's redundant! It's redundant! - R. E. Dundant

Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.

Kiss your keyboard goodbye!

Know Thy User.

LISP: To call a spade a thpade.

Last one out, turn off the computer!

Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style

Life would be much easier if I had the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.

Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge.

Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...

Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.

MC Hammer, n. Device used to ensure firm seating of MicroChannel boards

MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.

Machine independent code isn't.

Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.

Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix.

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

Make input easy to proofread.

Make it right before you make it faster.

Make sure all variables are initialized before use.

Make sure comments and code agree.

"Make sure your code ""does nothing"" gracefully."

Managing programmers is like herding cats.

Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...

Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.

May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.

Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton

Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson.

Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.

Meets quality standards: It compiles without errors.

Memory dump: Amnesia...

Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...

Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...

Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...

My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel.

My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.

My computer NEVER cras

My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI.

My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.

My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.

Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.

Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach

Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor

Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - Jackson

Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\

Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.

Never write software that patronizes the user.

New: It comes in different colors from the previous version.

Nice computers don't go down.

No extensible language will be universal. - T. Cheatham

No line available at 300 baud.

No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.

No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.

Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.

Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...

Objects are closer than they appear.

Old mail has arrived.

Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.

On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Computerworld Button

On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning

On a clear disk you can seek forever...

One if by LAN, two if by C. - Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski

One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis

One person's error is another person's data.

One picture is worth 128K words.

Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.

People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley

Performance is easier to add than clarity.

Performance proven: It works through beta test.

Portable: Survives system reboot.

Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.

Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor.

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer.

Programmers do it bit by bit.

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

Programming is an unnatural act.

Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.

Programs: What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it.

Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat.

Quality assurance: A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally.

RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!

REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe......

REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?

Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.

Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE

Real programs don't eat cache.

Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?

Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.

Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.

Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)

Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.

Revolutionary: The disk drives go round and round.

SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson

SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson

found... Out Of Memory.

Satisfaction Guaranteed: We'll send you another copy if it fails.

Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Software engineer: One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her.

Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. - Ted Nelson

Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential.

Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw

Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.

Spellchecker not found. Press -- to continue ...

Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!

Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...

Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...

Stack manipulation: The use of inflatable falsies. - -Datamazing, 4/1/78

State-of-the-art: What we could do with enough money.

State-of-the-practice: What we can do with the money you have.

Steinbach's Rule: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle

Stock item: We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.

Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.

Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. - Ken Batcher

Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing.

Swap read error. You lose your mind.

System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.

System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.

Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - R. S. Barton

Terminal glare: A look that kills...

That does not compute.

The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.

The best packed information most resembles random noise.

The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2l.

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

The computer is the Proteus of machines. - Seymour Papert

The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - Alan Perlis

The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The less time planning, the more time programming.

The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.

The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.

The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. - June, 1972

The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.

The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. - Weinberg, p.152

The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Hamming

The steady state of disks is full. - Ken Thompson

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

The whole is the sum of its parts, plus one or more bugs

The wise person writes bomb-proof code.

The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!

The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.

The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.

There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.

There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.

There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated.

There must be more to life than compile-and-go.

This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene.

This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.

This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88.

This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.

This screen intentionally left blank.

This system will self-destruct in five minutes.

This time it will surely run.

Those who can't write, write help files.

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!

Thrashing is just virtual crashing.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.

To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller

To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.

Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator

Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...

Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.

UNIX is a computer virus with a user interface.

UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody.

USER ERROR: Replace user and press any key to continue.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.

Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.

Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.

Use free-form input where possible.

User: A harmless drudge.

Variables won't; constants aren't. - Osborn

Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?

Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!

WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...

WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...

Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?

Watch out for off-by-one errors.

What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.

What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.

When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes.

When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read the manual.

When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.

Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

Years of development: We finally got one to work.

You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.

You can't make a program without broken egos.

You depend too much on computers for information.

You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.

You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you will need that version.

You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.

You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!

You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.

You have junk mail.

You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.

You might have mail.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.

Your fault, core dumped.

Your password is pitifully obvious.

ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII...

[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]

[Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. - Peter Norton

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

fortune: No such file or directory

grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat)

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. - Nathaniel Borenstein

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - Jeremy S. Anderson

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. - Edgar W. Dijkstra

The only ""intuitive"" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.

Never trust a program unless you have the source.

How should I know if it works? That's what Beta testers are for, I only coded it.

If it aint broke, don't fix it!

Our programs never have bugs, they just develop random features.

ID10T ERROR!

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