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Boy Friendship Dynamics96808508000Beef jerky good. Painful injuries bad. Wait, unless they happen to someone else. And then they are hilarious. Yes, the dynamics of middle school male friendships can be weird. One common act between male friends is to call each other by mean nicknames. Your best friend or a casual friend might greet you by saying “hey, loser!” This is, weirdly, an affectionate greeting. This means that the other male is doing it to bond with you. If the person is not your friend at all or you have had negative interactions in the past, it is not an affectionate greeting. While the words might be the same, they mean different things between friends than they do with people who don’t like each other very much. Boys also often enjoy inflicting pain on their friends. This can be in the form of hitting each other in the arm, having wrestling contests, or throwing things at each other. This can be dangerous because it can lead to real injuries or to getting in trouble—you aren’t allowed to do these things at school. If you are hanging out after school, do not be surprised if a male teenage friend wants to rough-house. It is good and healthy to talk about feelings and express affection verbally, but often teenage boys show that they are your friend through name-calling and aggressive acts.350456586187Boys often like to tease each other, but here’s a pro-tip—base the friendly teasing off of silly things the person has done, not things they can’t control like their physical features, name, etc. Guys are just more sensitive about that stuff. If you aren’t sure if nicknames or rough-housing is a way to bond or a way for someone to be mean, you can ask an adult in private to help you figure it out. They can help you recognize the difference between being mean, being rude, and bullying. Being rude means breaking social norms and hurting someone’s feelings without meaning to. It’s an accident and an opportunity to learn. Being mean is when people hurt others on purpose (emotionally or physically). You might recognize that as a way boys bond, too. That’s why it’s tricky. Bullying is being mean over and over, especially when one person has more power (social status, strength, etc.) than the other. If we can recognize that someone maybe was just rude it is easier to not take it personally. We are talking about this so that you understand why your friends might act that way. It might feel like bullying, but it might not be. This is not how you have to be treated and it’s not how you have to treat others. If you don’t like the physical contact or the nicknames, you can ask your friends to stop. If a friend asks you to stop doing something, stop. Respect their boundaries just like you want them to respect yours.Girl Friendship DynamicsThere are some awesome things about girls and their friendships. They can support each other in hard times. They can stay up late laughing at nothing. They tend to be more affectionate—they give hugs and tell each other “love ya!” It is tricky to be in middle school, though. Relationships with friends that were once simple become incredibly complicated and confusing. While this is a normal part of everyone growing up, it doesn’t feel normal. It feels scary and hopeless and stressful and lonely. One way that girls sometimes interact with each other, especially in middle school, is tearing each other down. This means that they make fun of someone either to their face or behind their back (this is an idiom that means talking about them to other people). This can be done because they are jealous of the other girl or because they see flaws in the other girl and don’t want people to think they have the same flaws. Even good people can do this, especially in middle school. -277495106160500Another way that girls sometimes interact with each other is by creating groups or cliques. A clique is a friendship group that has exclusive membership. This means that only some people are allowed, based on certain traits that they have. They might only want to hang out with girls who have the same fashion sense as them, who they feel like are as smart as them, as athletic as them, as creative as them, etc. This leads to exclusion. Refusing to include others can be hurtful to both people—it can hurt the feelings of the one being excluded and make them feel lonely and not worthy of friends. It can hurt the ones who exclude others because they miss out on awesome opportunities to get to know new, awesome people.What can we do about it? First, understand that this is normal. While it’s not good, it’s something that everyone experiences at one time or another. You are not alone. Second, recognize the difference between being mean, being rude, and bullying. Being rude means breaking social norms and hurting someone’s feelings without meaning to. It’s an accident and an opportunity to learn. Being mean is when people hurt others on purpose (emotionally or physically). Bullying is being mean over and over, especially when one person has more power (social status, strength, etc.) than the other. If we can recognize that someone maybe was just rude it is easier to not take it personally. right231000Third, be the change you wish to see in the world. While exclusion and cliques can be normal, they don’t have to be present in every school or church or sports team or other groups of teens. Model positive behavior and be the example for others to follow. Include others, even if they are different than you. Use good social skills to avoid being rude. Make a choice to not be mean. If you mess up, sincerely apologize. You have the power to change the friendship dynamics around you! Have courage and do good. ................
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