Familyparenting

familyparenting

be a better sports parent

While you may be your child's number-one fan, make sure your behavior on the sidelines doesn't border on fana tic. Here, the rules every mom and dad should follow.

BY HANNAH STORM

20 Family Circle 10/18/ 05

It's that time of year again--homework, car poolsan d, of course, sports. If your family is like mine, you're pr obably headed back to the field to ch eer on your kid 's games and practices. As a mom of th ree active girls, I've seen how gr eat organized sports can be, h elping kids lear n cooperation, d iscipline an d respect while also encou raging lifelong exer cis e habits. But I've als o seen how even the most well-mean ing parents can u ndermine the many ben efits th at spor ts have to offer.



WINNING REALLY ISN'T EVERYTHING. MOST KIDS WOULD RATHER PLAY ON A LOSING TEAM THAN HAVE TO SIT ON THE BENCH OF ONE THAT WINS ALL THE TIME.

Yelling advice from the stands, cha llenging coaches or referees, or putting too m uch em phasis on winning isn't the supp or t you r ch ild n e eds. Th e sim ple golden rule in youth athletics: M ake it fun . As I le ar n ed while r esearc hing m y b ook Go Gir l! Ra ising Healthy, Confident a nd Successful Girls thr ou gh S port s (Sourc e bo ok s) , a s ma ny as 70 per cent of kids quit organize d spor ts by th e age of 15. And one of the top reasons why is they weren't having fun, according to a nationwide sur vey by the Youth Sports Institute at Michigan State University.

And after two de cade s as a sports cas ter c over ing t he be st athle tes in the world, and more recently as an anchor on CB S's The Early S how, I c an a ttes t to the fact tha t eve n the m ost elite s por ts stars play for the love of the gam e--a nd so should your c hild. F ollow these tips to nur ture th at passion without putting on pressure.

Redefine winning and losing.

A few ye ar s ba ck I e nth us ias tica lly too k m y fou r -year-old to he r fir st team socc er ga me. We we re both so exc ite d-- after all, I love d soc cer as a kid. Wh en we g ot to the field, t h e c oa c h a s k ed the preschoolers t o "tak e a k nee" and huddle right up. The n he told t hem the y wer e there to beat the other team and win! Th es e litt le k ids d idn 't e ve n k no w wh a t a g oa l wa s , m uch les s which one was the ir s! Wh ile it's natur al for kids to be com e m or e competitive as they get older, when they're littl e , it's m or e im po r ta n t t h a t th ey simply be par ticipa ting than winning. In deed , s evera l stud ie s have s hown that kids would rather play on a losing team than sit on the bench of one that wins all the time.

What's m or e, your child lea rns lessons when his team loses a ga me--like how to give a strong ef fort, show grace in defe at and overc om e setbacks--that are jus t as valuab le to h is gr owth a s winning. Kids seem to have an inherent understanding that there are other pr iorities in pla ying spor ts: One national study found that am ong girls age s 10 to 18, winning wasn't eve n me ntioned as one of the top 10 reasons th ey played spor t s, an d for boys it ra n ke d on ly numbe r seve n. Also, wh en the se sam e k ids wer e a s k ed wha t t h e y wou ld change about yout h spor ts, th ey over whelming ly sta ted th e y wanted to s e e less em p h asi s o n w in n i n g .

Help your child set realistic goals.

Your child has a lot less control over the final outcome of a game than sh e doe s over m axim izing her ind ividua l potential. To help he r ke ep a he althy pe r sp e ctive , e nco ura g e h er to s et goals th a t ha ve s om e wig gle r oom. For instance, instead of, "I'm going to m ake ever y fr ee throw I take ," h ave h e r a im at s h oo tin g 70 p e rc en t in pr act ic es a nd 65 perc e nt in g am e s . M ake su re goa ls ma tch your child' s age and sk ill le vel. T he y m ig ht in clude reaching base at least twice in a

base ball gam e or ge tting in th r ee out of four first ser ves in a tennis m a tc h. W it h m y d a u g h t e r s , ra t he r th a n a sk in g, "D id y ou win?" or "How m an y po in ts did

you sco r e?," I'll ask "Did yo u tr y

Cheer, Last summer I was a t the tennis courts with a few other parents watc hing our

don't c o a c h

kids take le ssons and do drills. I had to chuckle a s my friend's husba nd kep t yelling out inst ruc tions to his kids and then, afte r observing my s ile nce, pro-

ceede d to ye ll out tips to my daughter. "Ellery, hold your

racket bac k!" She tur ned a round a nd shot him a look

that said, "W ho are you?"

Indeed, while you may think you know something about

yo ur ch ild 's sp ort, save th e instru ctio ns fo r so me o n e-on -o n e

time in the backyard, if you must impart your wisdom at all.

Le ave the coaching to the coaches, e ve n if you think you

know more tha n they do. D rilling la st-minute pointers on your

way to the game or yelling out advice from the sidelines not

only confuses kids, but it's also futile. Once on the field, play-

er s are too busy t o process and integrate the many tip s fly-

ing at t hem . Often t hey don't even hea r you, so lim it your

shouts to a few heartfelt hoorays.

22 Family Circle 10/18/05

familycir cle .com

your ha r des t?" or "Did you do som eth ing better today than yesterday?" That way, even when the scoreboard is n' t in their favor, they can still walk off the field fe eling accomplished.

Show up for practice.

Ever y parent is time-crunched, but tr y to make room in your sc hedule to atten d at le as t a fe w of your child' s team practices as well as the big games. This sends the m ess age tha t you value his har d work a nd a ppreciate the proces s of playin g spor ts, n ot jus t the outc om es . This also gives you a chance to see if the sports pr ogram is run properly, such as whether the coach lets everyone play, how he interacts with the team, and whether everyone is having a good time.

KIDS MODEL SPORTSMANSHIP FROM YOU. HOW CAN YOU EXPECT THEM TO SHOW RESPECT FOR PLAYERS AND OFFICIALS IF YOU DON'T?

Get your head in the game.

Learn th e r ule s, since youth guidelines often va ry from the way pros play. And when you show up, pay attention, avoiding the tem ptation to ch at it up with other par ents on th e sideline s. That way, when your kid says, "Mom , did you see the pass I made?" you'll be able to offer spe cific praise and feed back. You m ight sa y, for insta nce, "Wea ving the ball be twee n those two d efende rs really helped set up your team to score."

Keep it positive.

As part of a special featur e for The Early Show, I recently attended a soccer camp with my 8-year-old. She r outinely be ats m e bad ly wh e n we pla y in our ba ckyard, so I hoped to pic k up a few poin ters fr om th e wom an r unning th e c am p, Olym pic gold medalis t Kristine Lilly. It happ ene d t hat the bes t fe m a le soc c er player in th e world, M ia Ha mm , wa s also ther e tha t d ay as a guest coac h. I've inter viewed h er several tim es , but took th e ch anc e to a sk her wh at was the m ost im porta nt thing her par ents did to help h er su cc ee d in spor ts . Hamm said it was giving her hugs! Kristine Lilly also chimed in with th is advice : Wh at really m atters to kids is a pa t on the back and the words "Nice job, I'm pr oud of you."

Mind your manners.

Spor ts create so m uch em otion, and we've a ll hea rd of inc id ents in wh ich pa re nts go t o th e e xtr em e--lik e the New Jerse y socc er m om who alleg edly attacke d a 17-year-old player on the te am oppos ing h er da ugh ter's, or the Ma ssac huse tts fa th er convicte d of bea ting

24 Family Circle 10/18/ 05

a no the r d a d to dea t h in a fis tfig h t over r oug h play du rin g th eir s ons ' h ock ey prac tice . Than kfully, su ch vio le nc e is r ar e, b ut pa re nts on th e sideline s s till indulge in plenty of appalling be havior.

No matter how heated a game gets, never yell at your child, other pla ye rs, th e c oa ch or r eferees. Re m ember, your kids model their sportsmanship from you. How can you expe c t th em to sh ow re spe ct for opposing players and of ficials if you don't? If you disagree with the coach's decision, speak to him after the game once you've calmed down and can talk without your child pr esent. Also, never approach a game of ficial: Leave it up to the coach to sor t out any problem s with the officiating with the refer ees. And it goes with ou t sa ying, but never use pr ofanity in a youth spor ts setting.

Applaud good play-- no matter who makes it.

F ocus ing sole ly on your c hild sen ds th e m e ssage that you're m ore intere sted in gr oom ing the next sports ph enom th an e ncouraging team effor t. Com plim ent othe r players as they get substituted in and out of the game. A grea t m ove by the opposing te am deser ve s a che er, not boos or tau nts. And sh ow r espect for th e oth e r te am 's player s, par ents an d coac hes by welcom ing the m onto your field and congratulating them after a good game.

Mix things up.

During my 20 years of covering both college and profes sional spor ts and hosting four Olympic Games, I learned one ir refutable fact: My children and yours have a minuscule chance at a college sports sch olar ship, m uch less a pr o ca reer. Elite a thle te s ar e few and fa r b etwe en, and wh ile your c hild may be talente d, he'll m ost likely go on to do s om ething else wonde rful with h is life. Nurtur e a well-rounded child by supporting his interests in sever al extracur ricular activitie s. I 've inter viewe d the greatest athletes in the wor ld , a nd even t he y played m ultiple spor ts in high school. For example, my friend and former Ne w York Giants qu ar ter back P hil S imm s was a m uch better baseball player than football player in high school, eve n th ough he went on to becom e a Su pe r B owl M VP.

Unfor tunately, the se days par ents tend to be ove rzealous and a bit unrealistic , pushing th eir kids to win m edals or trophies a t one spor t in par ticular, hoping the y' ll become the next Michael Jordan or Mic helle Kwa n. Spec ializing in one or two spor ts all year can cause bur nout a nd injur y, puttin g too mu ch s tr es s on cer tain body par ts. What's m ore, by not par ticipating in a m ix of ac tivities, these kids miss out on learning a variety of physic al skills a nd m e eting differe nt g roup s of pe ople. Your child's cha nce of going pr o m ay be tiny, but he does have a 100 per cent chance of growing up to love sports and physical activity with your winning support a long th e way. FC

*For more helpful tips on kids and s ports, catc h "In the Family Circle" on CBS TV's The Early Show the week of September 26.

10/18/05 Family Circle 25

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