Enneagram Love Relationships - withtank

[Pages:26]Enneagram Love Relationships

Contents

Type 1:........................................................................................................................................................... 2 Type 2............................................................................................................................................................ 5 TYPE 3............................................................................................................................................................ 7 TYPE 4.......................................................................................................................................................... 10 Type 5 .....................................................................................................................................................................13 Type 6.......................................................................................................................................................... 16 Type 7.......................................................................................................................................................... 19 Type 8 ...................................................................................................................................................................... 22 Type 9.......................................................................................................................................................... 24

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Type 1: The Reformer/Perfectionist

Double Ones:

This couple can strive for a perfect lifestyle with successful careers, good health, and perfect parenting. They can build a family which prides itself on taking care of responsibilities and succeeding in the world. Projects keep this couple strong, but working well together can become more important than feelings. Love is expressed through hard work rather than through tender sentiments. Together, they understand criticism, and believe that it's meant to improve the person or the relationship. Ones want people who matter to them to be as close to perfection as possible. It's a sign of trust when Ones feel safe enough to express their critical comments and a sign of distrust when they allow their resentments to build. If they can express anger about safe topics such as political or work matters, then, it can lead to more personal discussions. A safe fight enlivens this couple. Deeper intimacy can develop when strong emotions are aired between these two Ones, allowing this couple to see that expressing anger can lead to a deeper trust.

Type One with a Type Two

As their relationship moves forward, the Ones' normal work habits can leave the Twos feeling neglected. Twos need a lot of attention. From the view of the Two, Ones can be all work and no play which sounds dull to them. The trick for this couple is to blend a well-ordered life with enough social and emotional outlets to keep both partners happy. Over time, shoulds can rule the life of a One. Shoulds produce a stable life, but they also deaden spontaneity. If the romance disappears, the Giver can wonder: "Why am I in this relationship?" "Don't I come first?" Needing positive reinforcement, a Two can fight for attention. A Two feels supported when they get a response from their partner. At an all-time low, the Giver looks unstable while the One looks rigid. Then Ones impose structure to keep chaos at bay while Twos bend the rules as a way of getting back. This couple can reach a stalemate where each has to take time to understand the other's position. Twos could take the time to see why work matters so much to the One; and Ones could consider showing some more affection to their partner. With some compromise and communication, this couple could learn to thrive together.

Type One with Type Three:

Threes want to look good to people while Ones want to look right. Putting on a fa?ade doesn't feel right to the One, and they can then become suspicious of their Three mate, wondering what others areas in the relationship are they being dishonest about. Ones want absolute honesty while Threes can be quite comfortable wearing a deceptive public persona. Meanwhile, the Performer, convinced that image is everything, may continue to look for the right way to impress their Perfectionist partner. Threes can retreat when their image is attacked, and Ones pursue when their anger has been aroused. Conflicts are best resolved when Ones can stay focused on a single topic. An argument doesn't need to lead to all the other resentments. Threes dislike "negative" emotions, and would rather not spend time on self-reflection unless they can see the point of it all. Couples counseling could help both partners to appreciate each other's viewpoint, and to find healthier ways of dealing with their differences.

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Type One with Type Four:

These two types can learn a lot from each other about emotions ? the control, and the expression of them. Fours can be overly expressive which can help the One to loosen up some of their shoulds. Fours can be true companions to Ones during times of emotional pain. The Romantic can become riveted when any issue becomes alive with emotional energy. The Four can also be attracted to the emotional steadiness and practicality of the One. They can depend on a partner like a One who can deal with the day-to-day challenges of job and family regardless of their own emotional state. The disadvantage of the One-Four connection can be a shared dissatisfaction with life. Romantics can suffer because something is missing while Perfectionists tend to see all the flaws in life. The relationship can be re-animated by focusing on the positives in the present moment, and by taking pleasure in the here and now.

Type One with Type Five:

Some of the challenges of this relationship revolve around the expression of anger. Neither type wants to get angry so important topics can often be neglected. The tension can ease when Fives can speak instead of retreating into silence, and even better, if they are willing to express anger. To Ones, the anger shows that the Five is invested in the relationship. Fives see an intensity of emotion in Ones that is attractive. Ones can find a steady presence in the Five with the lack of judgment that detachment often brings. Long-term couples with these types explain that moving into their anger and sexuality has really helped them to have a deeper intimacy instead of following their natural tendencies to suppress feelings or detach from negativity.

Type One with Type Six:

Both types can be perceived as negative thinkers. Ones are preoccupied with error, and Sixes are focused on doubt. But because they anticipate difficulties, they can also see the beauty of the human dilemma and the gifts that spring from pain. They know the importance of asking hard questions and have the courage to dare to try. Both partners can stick it out through challenging times. Their commitment to stay together through thick and thin can build their trust in a relationship that can weather many storms.

Type One with Type Seven:

As the relationship progresses, Ones push for results, and Sevens want fun. A successful relationship has to unite both of those agendas. If Ones try to pin Sevens down to dealing with the practical, they will fight back. The Seven doesn't want to follow limits and rules. Unfortunately, Ones value boundaries and self-control, and in their black or white thinking, Sevens can look selfish, and flakey. In a fight, Ones can get rigid, and Sevens evade. Sevens diminish the problem while Ones move in to control the problem. It helps if both partners can meet in the middle, and face the anger, and try to deal with the problem. Ones just naturally focus on precision and follow-through while Sevens express joy and spontaneity in life. Ones on vacation can look like Sevens. The trick is for the One to bring some vacation back home to their family life.

Type One with Type Eight:

As the relationship matures, anger will surface. Eights insist on direct expression of anger while Ones, once goaded into a fight, will retaliate in force. Direct expression can be positive for a One. At last, they're with a partner who won't judge anger as wrong. The challenge is if the One begins to look supervisory, then the Eight can become lawless and out of control. The clash of wills can be healing for both types. Ones teach Eights about limits and boundaries while Eights teach Ones to go

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for what they want. Anger can bond this couple. Sometimes, they just need to express their deeper emotions, and this relationship can successfully do that. In the long run, it depends if they are able to focus this power in a positive way, or if they get stuck in a cycle of conflict that drives them apart.

Type One with Type Nine:

The differences between these types are evident when it's time for action. Ones go into fast forward when they're committed to a project while Nines can sit on the fence even when they agree. Ones can jump-start the couple into action, but if the Nine feels that it's all the One's idea, then they can pull back and retreat. The Nine in retreat can look scattered and stubborn. The Perfectionist can push hard for the should while the Mediator is still waiting for a priority to become clear. Any show of anger at this point is healthy for the couple; with anger a center point comes forth. People tend to know exactly what they don't want when they become angry. This can help them make a final decision. It helps when Mediators can see the good intentions in their partner's anger while anger isn't always the best course of action when it comes to a Mediator. You can't push them into making a commitment, but they can choose to merge and join with a loved one's needs

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Type 2: The Helper / Giver

Type Two with a Type One:

This is a relationship based on differences. Ones deal with the practical world, and Twos are all about feelings and style. Perfectionists are often flattered by the attention of the dramatic, expressive Givers. Twos move towards who they like. They initiate which relieves some of the social anxiety of the One. Givers tune into the needs of their partners. Ones feel guilty about having needs while Twos don't feel guilty about meeting them. Twos are often attracted to Ones who can be steady and dependable partners who express love by taking care of responsibilities. This fits well with the One's strong need to do what's right in any given situation. In the coming article on the One, I'll go more into the challenges of this couple.

Double Two:

Double Givers are rare in the Enneagram couples. After all, if you're into helping others, then you're looking for someone who needs your help. With two Givers, there is no one to receive, and neither one wants to be the center of attention. Having their dependency on others exposed also makes the Twos angry. A stalemate can happen where each wants the other to make something happen. Each Giver prefers to be the helpmate in the relationship. Tempers can heat up when repressed needs finally surface. This couple can unify around a common venture such as a family business, or raising a family as long as they can focus their attention on something else than one another. Actually, they need to bring the attention back to themselves, and redefine their idea of relating in order for this relationship to survive. Double Twos are often friends rather than lovers. As friends, they can learn to encourage each other to receive.

Type Two with a Type Three:

The most common complaint by the Two in this relationship is the Three's work status. Even a Two with a satisfying profession in their own right often feels like they are waiting for the Three to show up. At times, the Two feels like they are not really needed in the relationship. It helps if the Performer can make time for some romance while it helps if the Giver can express their needs. If Givers need time and attention, then the Performer can step up to the plate. The Three isn't deliberately neglectful. They can just get wrapped up in their work. Givers bring feelings to the relationship while Performers are often focused on the task at hand. If Twos can be reassured of their importance, then they can be less demanding of time spent together. With good communication, this relationship can thrive.

Type Two with a Type Four:

I am very familiar with this dynamic in friendship, having a girlfriend who is a Two. We have a lot of emotional sharing, and a feeling of support from one another. In the beginning, I felt at times embarrassed by all the gifts my Two friend gave me, but as I began to give her gifts, then I observed how unfamiliar she was with receiving. Over time, she has learned to receive, and appreciate even more. I would imagine in a couple relationship between a Two and a Four that this would be a very, close and supportive relationship with the one drawback being that there might be too much drama at times since both types have a dramatic flair. In my article on the Type Four, I share more of the insights of this couple that can act like a mirror for one another.

Type Two with a Type Five:

Twos and Fives can look like they are from different species. The Two likes to socialize, and to experience new activities. The Twos seem to enjoy small talk, and utilizing their feelings as a guide to understanding others. This couple operates from very, different perspectives. While the Two goes toward people to interact, the Five will often move away from others to analyze and think. This dynamic can either create a balanced couple relationship, or create a struggle in which the Two

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reaches out for emotional contact while the Five withdraws and disappears. If the couple can meet in the middle making room for space and emotional expression, then they can learn to work together. It can be a big stretch for both types, but it can also be worthwhile since they can learn a lot from each another.

Type Two with a Type Six:

. Sixes can often see the Twos' need for over-giving as self-serving. The skeptical Six may wonder if the Two stands to benefit in some way. The Six can even feel set up by the Two to be the vehicle for their personal ambition. Already stressed by exposure and success, the Six may then sabotage the effort by letting the Two down. When the Giver shows care and concern, then the Loyalist can feel like they're expected to produce the goods, and will rebel even more. It's important for Twos to really look at their giving to see if it is self-serving. It does help if the Two can have their own profession and activities separate from the Six. Sixes enjoy being loyal supporters for the family.

Type Two with a Type Seven:

The two types are naturally seductive people who like to consider the potential availability of other partners. It helps if they can commit to one another, and determine how much outside attention each person needs. Both types have challenges with prolonged contact. The Seven can feel limited by it, and the Two can feel like they may be exposed. At times, the Two may want more attention than the Seven can easily give. An attention crisis can then develop where the Two sees a superficial lightweight, and the Seven sees an emotional drag. Both partners can thrive when they focus on real feelings, and move from infatuation to emotional depth in their relationship.

Type Two with a Type Eight:

This couple can align around the seduction of the Two and the power of the Eight. The Giver moves towards others by trying to please while the Protector moves against them to uncover the truth. The more secure the Eight feels in the relationship, then they can be extremely generous. They can show affection by trying to make things happen for their partner. This puts the Giver in the position as the receiver which is often an unfamiliar place for them. This can lead to emotional outbursts, but it can also bring the couple closer together. Eights feel more secure when all the cards are on the table, and Twos are finally pressured into knowing what their needs are. This can be the outcome when both partners are conscious, but if they are acting unconsciously, the outbursts can escalate into a full-scale conflict. That is when the couple is best served by having an objective third party like a counselor mediate their conflict. There are strengths to this relationship, but there are also challenges that may be too much for one or both of the partners.

Type Two with Type Nine:

In the article on the Type Nine, I wrote about this combination, and now I will continue with some of the challenges of the relationship. A crisis can emerge in this couple dynamic if the Two becomes indispensable and the Nine feels controlled. The Nine will begin to suspect that they are satisfying the Two's unrealized needs and can refuse to cooperate anymore. Nines can hold back their own potential, and spread their attention to other matters. The Twos may then get bored with the Nines' failure to achieve their potential, and angry that the attention has been withdrawn. Feeling abandoned by the Nine's lack of initiative, the Two can become complaining. A painful cycle of withdrawal by the Nine, and pursuing by the Two can begin. The cycle can only be broken when both partners take responsibility for their actions. This can also be another couple that could benefit from some counseling when the two become polarized in their struggle.

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TYPE 3: The Achiever/Performer

Type Three with Type One:

This couple is well-matched. The like to both be active, and focus on status and social image, and both find their identity through work. Valuing being productive, they can each take pride in the other's accomplishments in the world. This couple needs romantic times together because relating through achievements only distances them from intimacy and true feelings. Both types are concerned with what other people think, but can act it out differently. Ones compare themselves with others, but are not fooled by a carefully-crafted image, preferring real achievement instead. Ones are usually humble about their worldly accomplishments while Threes like to project an exciting and successful public fa?ade. Threes want to look good to people while Ones want to look right. I'll write more on the conflicts of this couple in the article on the Perfectionist.

Type Three with Type Two:

Twos love to give attention, and Threes expect it, so this couple often unites to support the Performer's needs. Even Twos with their own worldly accomplishments will adapt to the needs of their Three partners. Twos like to receive the approval of loved ones, while Threes are driven to their own personal success. At times, these types can appear similar, but their motives are quite different. Givers work to be loved, and Performers love to work. Each supports the other professionally while the Giver becomes the emotional center for the family. Reassured of their importance, Twos are less demanding of the Three's time. This couple does have a lot in common: a high-profile image and a desire for success. The relationship can work well for both if the Three can focus on feelings, and the Two doesn't have to compete all the time with a job for their partner's attention.

Double Three:

This couple combination is a rare, but when they do get together they can have a sense that everything and anything seems achievable. They usually have several projects going on at the same time. They do tend to compete with one another when they're involved in domestic projects. The couple's social life often revolves around people who share similar work interests, or those who are raising children, and like to share in family activities. This is a couple who does activities together as a family rather than just hanging out and "being" with family and friends. The trick is to be able to support one another in their professional lives without ending up leading separate, busy lives. At some point, there can be a need for them to turn inward, and to deepen emotionally especially after they grow weary of the exterior life. If this couple is able to mature and deepen their relationship especially at mid-life, they can continue to be together for the long-term.

Type Three with Type Four:

The couple's major difficulty will center on the Four's moods, and the Three's suppressed feelings. It's a recurrent theme in the relationship. Three's unavailability can be attractive at first because the couple never has enough time together for the relationship to become ordinary. Over time as the Four is deprived of intimacy, then they can become overly dramatic, and even depressed, which is the kind of emotional demand that the Three can't handle. Fours overvalue the emotional life while the Threes undervalue it. Unless, they can take the time to understand and appreciate each other's worldview, this couple may not thrive in the long-term.

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Type Three with Type Five:

The most typical arrangement is of the Three becoming the social organizer for the couple. The Performer sifts through the messages and invitations, and then consults with the Observer in private, before conveying their decisions to others. Home life can develop into a place where they follow their separate interests, but then come together for meals and family time. This couple can get into a cyclical pattern where the Five finally speaks up when the Three has become over-involved in work and interests outside the home, leaving the Five alone too much. Then the Three reduces their workload to keep the peace for a time, and then begins to slip back into working overtime again. The Five can then sulk and withhold comfort, presence and even sex to get the attention of the Three. The Three can then respond by working more to numb their feelings, hoping that the problem will resolve on its own. This couple can benefit the most by sitting down, and negotiating mutual commitments so that they can feel more understood by the other. In time, the Five can learn to enjoy the pleasures of a social life, and Threes can welcome the chance to spend quiet times together.

Type Three with the Type Six:

As I wrote under the Type Six, these two types are not found together very often in a romantic relationship. Their success seems to depend on resolving the issue of performance and performance anxiety. The Threes are overly focused on success in the world, and the Six doesn't trust image, and often doubts success even their own. Sixes are stressed by the Three's desire to be in the public eye. For them, public image feels like a set-up where you can be ridiculed and attacked for being too visible. Again, it's a trust issue for the Six, and they often don't see their own worldly success, and need a partner to point it out to them. If they can appreciate the Three's success in the world, then maybe, they can learn how to acknowledge their own, and their self-esteem can grow in the process. They could certainly learn a lot from each other if they are both willing to acknowledge their different views.

Type Three with the Type Seven:

One of their challenges is that they can often collude in keeping busy without addressing on-going problems. Threes can often deceive themselves that everything's fine, and work harder to avoid failure. Sevens can avoid pain and rationalize any failures by visualizing the future. One day, they both have to wake up, and face the external problems which can be quite serious by then including financial crises, or a child who's acting out for attention. Both types also tend to disappear when their public image is questioned: Threes by changing their image, and telling partial truths while Sevens switch options, and rationalize the change. They can conspire to let each other do what they want rather than working with each other as allies in personal growth. A mature couple can learn to face their anxieties rather than burying them in activities, and when they do, Threes can step up to the plate, and take on the challenge of improving the relationship. From their side, Sevens can bring pleasure to the relationship which can be liberating for a Three who can be overly focused on work and achievement in the world.

Type Three with Type Eight:

The biggest challenge for this couple is when they are faced with a failure, but this can also lead to their biggest breakthrough. Three-Eight couples mention that adversity helped them to lean on one another. Performers find that the Protectors are loyal to them as people even when scandal occurs, and their public image is shattered. The Eight is often surprised by the Three who can save the day in an out-of-control emergency. In a healthy relationship, they can both be confidants for one

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