SEPARATION ANXIETY - CBS News

[Pages:4]Christina Vercelletto, senior editor of Parenting magazine () visited The Early Show with tips for parents and children alike to help with back-to-school anxiety:

SEPARATION ANXIETY

? Take him to meet his teacher. Many schools hold get-acquainted sessions. Spending hours with this new adult won't be so scary if he's already hung out with her -- with you around. If he's going to a new school, walk around the building so it's familiar on the first day.

? Get the phone numbers of a few families of future classmates so you can arrange playdates before school even starts.

? Explain what to expect. Give him as many details as you can about what happens during a typical day: Kids paint, play outside, sing, and look at books.

? Plan a goodbye. Even if you aren't able to take your child to school most mornings, make it a point to drop him off yourself on the first day.

Problem: You try to drop off your child at school and she shrieks as though you're never coming back.

The solution: Say your goodbyes and leave. She'll be fine. Really! Every time you leave your child at school and come back at the end of the day as you promised, you're helping to build her security and confidence.

Whatever you do, don't sneak out when she's not looking; that will only make her cling harder next time. Instead, tell her you're going now and that you'll be back that afternoon. You might create a goodbye ritual, such as a kiss on each cheek and then a hug. And let her bring a special bear or blanket along (if the school allows it).

To reduce your child's anxiety:

? Explain what's new...Faced with the unknown, an inventive kid's imagination goes into overdrive. So explore the new school as much as you can: Show him where he'll enter, and check out the playground.

? ...and what's the same. Reassure him that plenty of things will be just as he's used to: You'll still make him lunch, read him stories, and take care of him.

? Have fun getting set. Shopping for school supplies is an almost guaranteed mood booster, and a playdate with a future classmate can make the first few days more comforting.

? Tell him he's ready. Point out what he already knows -- like how to listen and how to hang up his coat and sit in a circle. Or use everyday situations to note how well prepared he is: When he shares a toy, you can say, "Your new teacher is going to love seeing sharing like that."

? Remind him he doesn't have to know everything. Little kids sometimes forget that the other kids in their class will be new to school, too. He's still nervous? Enlist an upbeat first-grader to fill your child in on what to expect.

A child may be too timid to ask where to put his coat or lunch box. Remember how nervous you were the first day of your new job? Magnify that times a zillion, and you've got the jitters of a kindergartner.

What to do: Sometime in the spring or right before school starts, take a tour of the building with your child. Ease his anxieties by focusing on all the areas where he may spend time and by

asking questions: Where's the bathroom? Will he have to get permission to go or can he simply excuse himself? Where's the cafeteria? What time will he be eating? How does he get a tray of food? Does he have to stand in line even if he brings his own lunch? Will the teacher sit at the table with him or will other lunchroom monitors be there? How will he find the classroom? Where does the bus let children off? Give your child the chance to hear all the details. At home, let him practice opening his lunch box, thermos, milk cartons, and zipper-lock bags. He'll be a pro by the time his first day rolls around.

FITTING IN

Few words are as difficult for a mom to hear when their child comes home from the first day of kindergarten: "How do I make friends?"

It may never occur to moms that their kids might not know what to do when placed in their first new social situation. Basic social skills -- like how to start a conversation and ask people questions -- are sometimes things that really worry young kids.

The Problem: Social ostracism. You notice that your child is sitting by himself whenever you pick him up at the end of the day. He complains that he has no friends.

The solution: A good teacher will keep an eye out for unpleasant social dynamics; ask her what you can do to help your child fit in. Remind your child that making friends takes time, and that you often have to share them with other classmates.

You may also want to ask yourself: Are other kids really ostracizing my child, or might he be pushing them away? A shy child may not feel comfortable reaching out to other kids. Arranging playdates with them outside of school may help.

Basic academics can give kids a head start and can help them feel equal to their peers-i.e; "fitting in." Ideally, to fit in with today's learning curve, children heading into kindergarten should already: ? Be familiar with the letters of the alphabet (uppercase) and the sounds they make. ? Be able to hold a pencil and safety scissors. ? Know how to print their first name or even just the first letter of their name. ? Be able to recognize basic shapes. ? Be able to count from one to ten and identify those numbers. ? Count out objects correctly (blocks, crayons, and so on) and be familiar with the idea that numbers are used to measure things (four feet tall, one cup of sugar, for example). ? Know most colors. ? Understand and recognize similarities and differences (for instance, in comparing letters or objects). ? Realize that stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end.

If they don't know these things but are eager to learn and have social skills, they should be able to pick up the academics fairly well. But having a leg up can make a difference in the long run.

PEER PRESSURE

Each academic year/grade comes with it's own set of social challenges and milestones. Here are a few of the biggies:

Kindergarten

? Parents should be on the lookout for ongoing social and physical maturity. As the year moves along, your kindergartner should demonstrate an increased understanding of rules and cooperation, a longer attention span, and better coordination.

? Not getting along? A persistent inability to share or a lack of playmates may indicate a problem that deserves attention.

Third Grade

? In third grade, school becomes not just a place of learning, but also a place of socializing; children look forward to seeing their friends there day after day after day.

? What to Expect: Gender rivalry. In third grade, boys and girls dissociate, flagrantly. Same-sex clusters rule the day. This is not anything to worry about -- just funny.

Fourth Grade

? In fourth grade, for perhaps the first time, school can get tougher academically. But what's more, fourth-graders must navigate an increasingly complex social environment, with new sensitivity to who the "smart" ones or "popular" ones are.

? Physical differences begin to play a role. Fourth grade is marked by potentially large physical differences in children. While some still look young, others look nearly ready for middle school. This may be especially tough for boys still on the small side.

? Watch Out for: Sensitive feelings. In cliques and rivalries brews much opportunity for hurt feelings. Friendships can also bring tension and conflict. On top of this, fourth-graders are more sensitive than younger children to what other people think of them.

Fifth Grade

? Watch Out for: Peer pressure. Fifth-graders can become very sensitive to having the "right" clothes, hairstyles, and musical tastes. Be aware of this, but be sure, too, not to approach conversations with your child judgmentally. Keeping the lines of communication open will be one of your greatest challenges.

Sixth Grade

? Watch Out for: Social flux and uncertainty. Peer pressure kicks in big time, along with cliques and other difficult new social realities, including dating.

FRIENDS CHANGING AS SCHOOL CHANGES

Parents should expect Transition-related challenges throughout their child's academic career. It's a part of being a student, and a part of life.

Older kids-figure 4th grade through 6th and even on up through Jr. High-are going through major preteen confusion-laced excitement. Depending on the set-up in your school district, around 56th grades kids may now be the youngest in the building. They're watching older kids-Jr. High and in some cases High School-socialize, couple-up, drive...it's a whole new world.

This could result in the evolution of previously indestructible cliques. Let's say your child's lifelong best buddy is a budding tennis-phenom, and in 7th or 8th grade is bumped up from playing on his/her Jr. High/middle school level team to Junior Varsity (JV) along with High School kids. He

or she may be seduced by the power and excitement of hanging out with the older kids on the team, and decide to leave your little one behind (socially).

In some school districts, grades are sometimes split up based on geographic location. Kids who have grown up together thru elementary school may suddenly be without their closest friends b/c of school zoning laws. Helping a child cope with losing their best friend, or even just the basic familiar faces they've grown up with, can be a major event in their lives. They'll need their parents to help comfort their loss and new environment, but...

This age can also come with general communication breakdowns. Because of what kids this age are going through emotionally, they may become far less interested in discussing things with their parents. Don't stop trying, however. Children still want and need parental guidance.

What to do: Use new approaches. Just when your child may begin to act as if he deserves less respect is exactly when you need to treat him with more.

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